this post was submitted on 06 Aug 2023
182 points (97.9% liked)

Asklemmy

43913 readers
339 users here now

A loosely moderated place to ask open-ended questions

Search asklemmy 🔍

If your post meets the following criteria, it's welcome here!

  1. Open-ended question
  2. Not offensive: at this point, we do not have the bandwidth to moderate overtly political discussions. Assume best intent and be excellent to each other.
  3. Not regarding using or support for Lemmy: context, see the list of support communities and tools for finding communities below
  4. Not ad nauseam inducing: please make sure it is a question that would be new to most members
  5. An actual topic of discussion

Looking for support?

Looking for a community?

~Icon~ ~by~ ~@Double_[email protected]~

founded 5 years ago
MODERATORS
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]
182
How do I take care of a kid that's not mine/unofficially foster a kid? (sh.itjust.works)
submitted 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
22 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

Hey, so.. I may be in this situation soon, and I may just be in over my head here, but I'm a sucker who really couldn't say no to this.

This kid took care of his grandmother as she deteriorated and finally died. He was there when it happened. She had a degenerative disease and the kid's mom left him with her so she could "babysit" him, when in reality, this kid was the only one looking after her. His parent is a working single mom, so it's really not her fault, but, like.. damn.

The kid is 8 years old.

Kid's dad is just gone. Disappeared. Has been since he was tiny.

He sometimes is watched over by his aunt, but she & the nieces just literally ignore him. He says that he just sat quietly on the couch for days. They fed him and whatever, but that family has their own batshit fuckery going on. Not mentally stable, tbh. The aunt is very hostile and I think he is scared of her.

He's one of my in-law's kids (whom I don't even know well), but, like.. holy shit. He and his mom now live in the deceased grandmother's house, but she now has no one to watch over him. He has been going to work with her and being told to sit quietly and do not much else. They're now almost an hour away from his school, so he may lose that part of his stability, too.

Again.. he's 8. And holy shit, kid barely talks. He's so well-behaved and meek, it actually alarms me greatly. He used to hang out with my brother's kids, but my brother moved out of state. He came back this week and was asked to watch over the kid while he and his kids were in town. This is when I've most recently reconnected with the kid, but I've met him before when my brother was still in town.

I have room in my home. I'm a single parent, too, but I'm fortunate to work from home and have a kid who's 12 who could hang out, play video games with him, take him to the park, and whatever. I'm close to his school. I don't have much right now, but, like.. fuck, I want to give this kid a good, loving space, stability, and get him into therapy, for fucks sake.

I don't give a shit about what your opinion of the mom is. I met her like twice. I also don't plan to adopt this kid or anything (unless it really comes to that but that's not a thing right now since he obviously has a parent), but I just need advice on how I should navigate this.

Medical needs? Can I get him into therapy without trouble? Will I need the parent's permission? What should I ask her for? I'm not sure she'd be okay giving me his documents if this is temporary, but FUCK there's a lot to do. I want to do something right for this kid.

Help? Please?

all 24 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] yumcake 83 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I'd say the first option is to simply talk to the mother and offer your help and paint it as a means of helping her out. Keeping the focus on the benefit to the mother and the benefit to the kid as secondary to keep her focused on how it would help her. Sympathize with her situation, she'll be more amenable and that's definitely the easiest way to get a constructive dialog going.

If that fails, involving CPS is still available as a fallback option but.0

[–] [email protected] 30 points 1 year ago (1 children)

This is excellent advice, damn. Thank you! Helps to get a good, level-headed perspective when my brain feels like jelly over all this.

Solid. Thank you!

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

Yeah, I agree that the above is excellent advice. Engaging in a way that comes off as "you're a shit parent so I'm going to do it for you" isn't likely to build conflict. It's possible how the mother reacts regardless of what you say (due to insecurity about her parenting), but it's going to be much better if everyone is working together rather than against each other, so that's the best place to start.

[–] [email protected] 31 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

As others have said, simply providing a stable place to be around another child and adult will do leaps and bounds. But if possible I would work on helping him get into activities he can do on his own when he is dragged to mom’s work and told to sit quietly in a corner or sent to the disinterested aunt—because that’s bound to happen again.

Maybe try discovering if he likes reading and what sort of material? Children’s paperbacks can be found inexpensively; library cards are free either for a physical library or digitally. If you find he’s into reading, an on-sale Kindle could be an option that you regularly load up with Libby ebooks.

How about a small sketchbook and a few pencils if he’s artistically minded? He doesn’t need a whole kit, just a few pieces for him to pass the time. If he’s into games, perhaps teach him solitaire or get him a travel chess set. Maybe sports are more his things, then fantasy football or some such.

I think teaching and helping him develop some low-cost, unobtrusive coping mechanisms could really save his mental health in the long-term. It’s a bit grim having to suggest all these solitary activities for a child, but the reality is that he will find himself in these isolating situations again. Giving him the tools to develop interests and hobbies without his mother/aunt’s intervention will put him in a better psychological place as he ages and will provide naturally-occurring encounters with potential friends who share his interests.

[–] [email protected] 13 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Damn, that hurts to read that, but you're right.

I have a bazillion books at my place (for every age group.. do 8-year olds still like "Magic Tree House"..?), art supply, board games, cards, and those kinda things.

I'm sure he'll be happy to do literally anything, tbh. Poor kid seems to feel guilty for simply existing. Fuckin' hate to see it.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

I loved Magic Tree House at his age! That’s exactly what I was thinking—MTH is wonderful for escapism. If you can get him onto something that exercises his mind, that’s the ideal, hence my drawing, reading, and chess suggestions—anything he can sustain in isolation and when low on funds or access to shops.

Edit: magic tricks if he’s dexterous!

Unfortunately his mother is still his guardian, so she may very well one day pick up and leave with him. In that situation, at least he’ll have the skills to keep growing his interest(s) and entertain himself.

[–] [email protected] 28 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

I am a lawyer. I am not your lawyer, and nothing contained within this comment can be used to create an attorney client relationship between us.

That being said, investigating getting a Guardianship through your county probate court. Should take care of all your needs.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago

Appreciate it. Thank you.

[–] BobbyBandwidth 18 points 1 year ago

I just want to say thank you for caring. You’re a good person.

[–] Bluetreefrog 15 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Why don't you offer to start by 'baby sitting' the child while the mother is at work. That might eventually extend to sleep overs.

I agree with the comment about medical care and therapy. Like it or not, she's still his mother and would probably see any offer in this direction as meddling or judgemental and close the door completely.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 1 year ago (1 children)

She's basically desperate to get someone to watch this kid. We're just a few blocks away from his aunt's house, too, so maybe that will help.

To be clear: I'm not asking her to hand over her kid– she's willingly offering him up to people (she knows) who will take him. Since my brother vouched for me + he & his kids spent the most time watching the kid in the past, his recommendation of me might make me the best candidate here.

I'll do my best not to meddle, that's good to keep in mind! But I do want to at least push for therapy. I'll pay for it myself, if it comes down to that, as long as she approves.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

As Bobert said elsewhere in these comments, there is a massive mental health benefit to having any adult at all who provides the child with presence and emotional support.

To add to that, I have received treatment from numerous therapists. And I have seen siblings and friends receive treatment as well. From my experience -- and I might get some flak for this advice -- even though a good therapist is better than no therapist, a bad therapist can actually be harmful. Your little pal will easily get more out of a well-intentioned friend than he would get if he wound up placed with a mediocre therapist. It's the unfortunate state of mental healthcare in this country.

Ten years from now, if he's eighteen and still in your life and starts asking for monetary assistance to pay for therapy? Great. Pay for his therapy. (Also make absolutely sure he keeps shopping around until he finds a therapist who really clicks with him. For the above reason, you know? The odds of him getting a great one on the first spin aren't high.)

But until then: there's a good chance he's missing very little. And a very good chance there's nothing to feel bad about if you can't get this little guy into therapy. There are more surefire ways of improving his outcome.

So, like the other commenters said: offer the mom help. You noted that she's guaranteed to dump him on you for long stretches of time.

Also, offer to pay for his phone plan. (Like another commenter said, phrase all offers as a benefit to her.) If she agrees, put yourself in his contacts, let him know he can always call you, and try to make sure he knows the number "988" and never feels too shy to reach out to that number.

[–] [email protected] 12 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Contacting the equivilent of Child Protective Services in your country is a safe bet, but you should check your country's laws regarding foster care if you're planning to adopt the kid. I would reccommend you to consult a lawyer if that's your plan.

[–] jocanib 8 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Do you live close enough to his school to offer (effectively) childcare during the week plus any time she is working at the weekends?

If so, you don't need to take him off her or present it as that kind of threat. Just give her some space to get her shit together without forcing the kid along for the ride.

If you don't live close enough to his school, it gets a lot more complicated.

(Apologies if I've missed this detail somewhere.)

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago (1 children)

She's currently not even in town right now, which may force this kid to switch schools. I really don't want that, as this kid has already gone through enough changes and trauma in these past few months. I live only a short way from his school.

To be clear: I'm not asking her to hand over her kid– she's willingly offering him up to people (she knows) who will take him. Since my brother vouched for me + he & his kids spent the most time watching the kid in the past, his recommendation of me might make me the best candidate here.

[–] jocanib 6 points 1 year ago

Then you're in a perfect position to help him out.

Make sure he gets a say in it. Invite him into your life, don't just make sure you're the next dumping ground for him, if that makes sense. Kid needs a sense of agency, I'm sure. And he needs to know that someone wants him around.

And make sure he has trusted adults outside your household he can talk to if things get difficult at any point. Your brother sounds perfect for that. Weekly phone calls or something to check in with him. It's important that he knows he can tell someone if he's being treated badly. Not that you will, but he needs to know that f anything goes wrong, he has someone he can tell about it.

This will not be easy. But if you're in a position to do it, it'd be a great thing to do.

Good luck.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 year ago

Just. Be. There.

You're a parent, so you know how this is going to work. By the seat of your pants. Medical and Psychiatric needs are beyond your control. I know you say that it's a need but it's simply not one you can provide other than it coming from you directly. It's just not something you can unilaterally do. You can try and get in contact with counselors at their school, but that's about it. So focus on what you can do and that is be there. Harvard released a study about 8 years ago that had the statement that every successful child had ONE invested, stable adult person in their life. Not parent, aunt, uncle, brother, sister, grandparent. Person.

It sounds to me like you're pretty dedicated to being that person. So I'd say the best thing you can do now is to just be you, and don't stress about the things beyond your control. If you can continue to just be willing to invest this much effort you've shown already then you'll be the best thing going for this child.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 year ago (1 children)

The best thing you can actually do is be there for him right now. Be like a big brother or an uncle to him. I so admire you for caring. Take that capacity for empathy and caring and apply it to this child. Ask him what his interests are and help nurture them. I would be careful with getting involved in medical needs, therapy, etc. Those are dangerous and dicey waters to wade into and the only reason to get involved that deeply is if you believe this child's welfare is in immediate and imminent danger. If this is does become the case, please contact the proper responsible state agency. A situation like I just mentioned would open the door for you to become a foster parent. You are a good human being and to be commended!

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Thanks, I may need to step back, but I'm just concerned about the amount of unintended neglect this kid may have gone through.

Unfortunately, I think therapy is a "must" here, as the kid literally watched his closest and beloved caretaker slowly wither away and die right in front of him at 8 goddamn years old.. while ultimately taking care of her on her deathbed.

I want to be sure his mental and emotional well-being is taken care of. That's legit trauma he wemt through. I had a traumatic experience as a young child and my parents never had it addressed it– I'm still kinda fucked up over it to this day. It's a struggle if you are unable to talk about that shit and be able to process it in a healthy way. I want to be able to at least give this kid a chance to be helped by a professional. I'll see if a state agency might be able to help out, too, but I'm unsure due to him being not really my kid.. couldn't hurt to inquire, I guess.

But, yeah, bet your ass I'll also be paying attention to & supporting the hell out of this kid's interests, in addition to therapy.

I appreciate the praise, but I'm just someone trying to do some good where I have the means. Thank you for your advice!

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

That is a lot for any person, let alone a child, to weather and I agree with your conclusion that the child most likely would benefit from therapy to lessen the potential trauma developing later in life. The praise for you is roundly deserved because the world we live in as a dog eat dog one. The only thing I cannot emphasize enough is that if you suspect physical, mental, or emotional abuse, absolutely get child protective services involved. I am a survivor of mental, psychological, and emotional abuse. My father was never prosecuted for it when he should have been. The scars were real and lasting. Only you know the situation of this child. Go with your instinct. If you have an instinctual feeling that this child is being abused in the aforementioned ways, it's time to get child protective services involved.

[–] Sudo 3 points 1 year ago

Best to talk to someone from a local children society or a charity/organization that is familiar in this territory.