this post was submitted on 18 Dec 2024
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The Onion

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Cancer
(June 21 to July 22):

Steer clear of shadowy figures who threaten you with knives, guns, or other weapons—they may intend to do you bodily harm.

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[–] [email protected] 13 points 2 weeks ago (3 children)

I'm so glad I read this post. I'm def. following this advice. I'm quitting my nighttime knife club, gun club, club club, and explosives club. That really opens up my calendar.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 2 weeks ago

Real loading screen tips here

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 weeks ago

What I would give for a good club club near me...

[–] Opisek 1 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

What about the fight club?

[–] [email protected] 7 points 2 weeks ago

We don't talk about fight club.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 2 weeks ago

Had to look up CEO birthdays to make sure it was about what I thought it was

[–] [email protected] 5 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

Sweet, I'm glad this does not hinder my own nighttime activities where I'm threatening strangers with knifes, guns or other weapons.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 weeks ago

... does not hinder ...

It does hinder, by making your activities more difficult by one-twelfth.

[–] angrystego 4 points 2 weeks ago

Read it as horrorscope and thought cancer was the illness. Now I wonder what the other horrorscope signs would be... scorpio sting, virginity lost to rape, an evil twin following you, getting the st. Sebastian treatment, piranhas...