Autism

My suggestion is for her to look deeper then that.

I ll provide some examples. Of course take in mind i am an adult dad myself so my sense of responsibility and experience with autism is not the same as an 8yo child. Many of the examples have gotten me to “meltdown” though. And of course these examples are personale to me and may not apply to your daughter.

Chores: i am holding something i need to trow in the trash but the trashcan is full.

a robust structure to make sure the trashcans are emptied on a schedule goes a long way in avoiding this

I am sweeping but there are items on the floor.

first check the floor and remove any obstacles may sound so normal it feels silly now but i was already an adult when i learned this and it felt like a magic.

I find myself in need of tool x to do my choir but i cant find it.

collect all required tools and items before proceeding

I neglected to clean the house for to long, the clutter creates massive visual overstimulation. I cant find my cleaning tools between the clutter. I cant remove obstacles from the floor because there is no space left to put them. My mind tells me to just kick and trow everything I perceive as being in my way and just writing this passage in text gives me ptsd flashbacks.

STOP do something else in a sensory calm area. Then ask someone for help to create a centralized empty spot, use this spot like a food plate. Only put on the plate what you can handle. Take more if the plate is empty.

Discipline is more on you then her. Make sure to prioritize the goal, which is to learn from mistakes. Don’t fall into the hole of using the same discipline that works for others. Some people respond well to punishments. I did not, they just made me resent authority. Often i did not understand what i should have done instead or i made an honest mistake. I fared much better with a clear understanding of what exactly happend.

Which brings me to social misunderstandings. I have fought my wife over terminology. I draw a hardline between accidentally causing an accident. And being at fault for something. Simply hearing that someone is at fault when it was a non intentional mistake deeply infuriates me to this day. However mature discussing this with my wife revealed my stance really isn’t all that different from the rest of society. I still believe feeling of guilt and trying to fix damage is in order if ypu make a mistske. Its specifically the words “at fault” or “x hurt y” which my mind perceives as “with intend” I cant really know with her brother but it could be their fights are about similar misunderstanding of some words. It does strike me as an area of opportunity to learn if talking to one person causes a meltdown and another does not.

Some final general advice. Being too overstimulated is almost always a good reason to stop doing something. Pushing yourself to far this way can create dangerous situation and routinely being overstimulated will create a habit of avoidance. Always have a backup space that is low sensory to retreat to. Its much easier to proceed when your head is calm and clear and often the fresh energy will more then make up for lost time.

Good luck, both for your daughter aswell as you her parent. It will often not be easy for either of you. But over time, the gained experience and mutual understanding not only will make things easier but will create opportunities to cultivate her mind to achieve things no neurotypical ever could.