Title and image source from this Mastodon toot by [email protected]. I even took the damn title because I couldn't think of anything more apt.
As always, respect my trans homies or I make your pronouns was/were.
this post was submitted on 15 Apr 2024
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That is about the long and the short of it yeah.
As trans people we are very keyed in to noticing people of our perceived gender. Our brains recognize you as our people... but instead of nessisarily looking at what is considered the stereotype and being like "that's a MAN" we sort of notice y'all more holistically. The flamboyant gay man, the quiet anxious man, the chubby kind quirky man, the man who likes pink.... Our brains see you all are our people and being like you could very well be somebody's transition goal and you might not even know it. When we talk to you we get that spark of recognition. You are men. The rest is all just window dressing. Man isn't a static frame that you squeeze to fit - what you are just expands the definition of man.
All that is really required is that you own it.
That's really reassuring as a cis straight male because a lot of my self-confidence issues stem from bullying during childhood for not fitting in.
About 2 years ago I decided to get some therapy for an identity crisis I was going through having recently (then) stopping smoking weed, moving from an abusive workplace to a more stable one, paying off my debts, disassociating because I didn't know what to do plan for my next goal in life, and feeling very alone despite being surrounded by nice caring people (I know, the tiniest violin should be playing compared with what many many people have / are going through).
The thing that stuck with me the most is something my therapist said which was a quote from Shakespeare's Hamlet "To thine own self be true."
i.e. be honest and open with yourself about what you feel is right and, unlike the character in the play, act accordingly.
Oh yeah Hamlet learns all his lessons too late so definitely don't be a Hamlet...
Being in queer spaces there is a lot of rejection of the program that is considered "the model for success" the whole marry - a monogamous partner, have kids, get mega earning career - those are looked at as options. There are other models that are STILL success. Straight Cis guys in particular are very susceptible to comparing themselves to their peers and using hard numbers to compare. How much do you earn, how much can you lift, how many partners you have, how many friends ... It seems quite frankly exhausting.
It's also mental sabotage.
You are not a bundle of stats. You don't have to compare any aspect of yourself to anyone else. Learning to actually like the person you are is way easier when you aren't constantly ruminating on what you aren't. You have blessings and it's good for you to count them every now and then. Queer folk tend to all have their own openly burning trashfires but sometimes success is sometimes just realizing you are - all things considered - actually doing okay.
You don't nessisarily need to "fit in". You can be you and there's people out there who are exactly your type of weird compatible. Opening your heart to people who are other types of weird than you is also great as giving what you are seeking is a great way to find what you are looking for when it comes to acceptance.