So I thought I had figured myself till now. But I was clearly wrong...
So the last few days have been incredibly confusing as I reflected on my gender identity. I'm definitely a boy, that's for sure. I wouldn't want to go by any pronouns except he/him. The they/she stuff simply isn't me.
I don't want to dress up in a feminine manner (I don't think I would be comfortable in skirts and thigh highs and what not...). Like... I haven't tried that yet, but I really doubt I would be much interested in it. I like my current wardrobe.
HOWEVER, I want a feminine-ish body. Like... not boobs or anything. I find boobs quite repulsive. BUT I would definitely love to have a more feminine butt/dick. I like tucking, WHILE loving my dick.
I hate body hair/facial hair. The only place that I like hair on is my head. And while my hair is long-ish, it isn't girl-like long. Like... the intention is not to look like a girl.
I dunno, it's weird I suppose... Here's one way to put it. If estrogen didn't give me boobs, I would LOVE to take it. I would love to have a higher voice, better head-hair, and a girlier butt and dick. BUT I would still identify as a male while being in male-like clothes.
What the hell am I? I'm definitely not trans. I don't think I'm a femboy, as I would hate doing makeup/wearing skirts n stuff. I'm so confused.
Oh, and I'm gay if that's relevant.
Honestly as I read this I was thinking “this is someone who knows what they like” then I got to the end and you asked what the hell am I and I thought “wait I thought they just explained that…”
If you wanna label all that ‘femboy’ then do it! If you wanna present more fem and not call it that that’s equally fine. Honestly you sound like you’re worrying yourself over feeling like you need a term to define yourself - you don’t.
Idk, from my perspective you sound like you know exactly what you want. If someone needs you to define yourself just tell them I’m a gay guy who likes to look fem. Good enough, imho.
I bet that you could exercise your way into your dream butt if you put the sweat and time into it. You can remove body hair with laser and electrolysis (though it’s expensive). And if you want a more feminine voice and you’ve been through male puberty, practice and intentionally speaking in a higher register isn’t technically the only option but it may as well be. (Currently learning this with my SO who is mtf)
Honestly do you have a therapist or the ability to see one? Might be worth talking through all this with a professional that you trust.
No, it's not like I need to define myself for anyone. It's just that a similar term would help me find people's experiences similar to mine. Cuz whenever I look up femboy stuff, it's just girly clothing, makeup and workout. I don't relate to the clothing and makeup in any way whatsoever.
I have an okay butt, but it's just muscle-ey. Like... It's a manly butt? The butt in my head is more fatty, which is a result of fat distribution controlled by estrogen.
The point is, while I may not perfectly fit in any category (assuming that there are strict definitions, which isn't true), it would be better if I could see what people similar to me are like. Rn, I can't see people similar to me in this context.
Oh n for the therapist, the answer is nope, cuz no money.
Ahh I get ya. Yeah I’m just a boring token cis guy so I’m not gonna be much help in terms of community - I’d say maybe hang in these circles and engage with what you want to engage with? If you’re not into the girly stuff just respect that others do and they’ll probably respect that you don’t
Seriously though, if you’re able to see a therapist I’d highly recommend it - even if it’s not for lgbtq stuff, talking through your worries with a person who’s trained to guide people through such conversations is super valuable imho.
I know it’s expense as frig but if you ever get the opportunity jump at it.