Musical Theatre

Last week, whilst I was overseas doing important journalism in London, I bought tickets to see “Les Misérables” in the West End, because I’m a woman from Utah and that’s just what we do when we go to London at Christmastime. I don’t make the rules; I just enthusiastically keep them.

I’ve seen “Les Misérables” in some form or another probably 20 times. I have the entire score and script memorized. I’ve had “Do You Hear the People Sing?” stuck in my head since my parents first bought the soundtrack after seeing the production on tour at Capitol Theater in Salt Lake City 30 years ago. I later saw it for myself the next time the tour came around. I watch the Tom Hooper movie — a film I don’t even like but which makes me cry every time I watch it — at least once a year when I get the itch to watch Anne Hathaway sniffle onscreen. I have “One Day More” on my workout playlist. When my children used to request “Sesame Street,” I always played the episode that features Cookie Monster doing “Les Mousserables.”

There’s no “Les Misérables” content I have not consumed. I even followed one TikToker’s journey as she played the score on her otamatone, one part at a time.

So you would think I’d find the entire production repetitive when I saw it Friday night at the Sondheim Theatre on Shaftesbury Avenue.

AND YET. Four minutes in, when the bishop not only tells the French police that he gifted Jean Valjean the silver he actually stole but that also Valjean forgot the candlesticks, I was sobbing.

By the time Fantine perished in her hospital bed (spoiler, sorry, but also the novel was published in 1862 so that one might be on you), I was convulsing. At the conclusion of the epilogue, tears were streaming faster than I could wipe them away.

Since then, I’ve been singing lines like “10 francs may save my poor Cosette,” with the passion of a scorned woman living on the streets from my very comfortable suburban home.

I’ve had the soundtrack on repeat singing every song loudly to my children, because at this point there’s no hope of ever getting any of it out of my head. It’s like a musical hair of the dog.

Revisiting the soundtrack with such frequency has given me a chance to reflect on the choices made by many of the story’s central characters. Obviously, Victor Hugo wrote the characters the way he did for the sake of a very compelling read. And this is in no way a criticism of his literary masterpiece.

I just feel like if most of these characters had one close friend, their stories may not have ended quite so tragically. I’ve decided to make that friend me, and tell you what I wish for the following characters:

Éponine

Look. There’s a reason the book “He’s Just Not That Into You” was such a runaway hit. It was a revolutionary message for many women. Sometimes your love is unrequited, and it’s best to just accept that and move on with your life instead of endlessly pining (though honestly, doing some of the best singing in the whole show). As much as I would hate to lose “On My Own,” I want what’s best for Éponine. And what’s best for her is a friend looking her in the eyes and telling her “It’s time to let go” and keeping her from following Marius to the barricade, thereby preventing her premature death.

Javert

One important thing to remember about Javert is that, really, he was just trying to do his job well. And that’s great, in theory. But there’s a fine line between meeting your deadlines and becoming a workaholic, and Javert clearly had no work-life balance and became obsessed with the pursuit of Jean Valjean, ultimately leading to his demise. What I wish for Javert is that he had a hobby. Something else to think about. Maybe bird-watching? Coin collecting? A quilting group? Might lend some perspective.

Cosette

Who among us didn’t have a thing for an activist in college? There’s something very attractive about a man with political passion who believes he can change the world. But there comes a day when those men realize they actually can’t change much and they get real bummed out, and I just don’t want Cosette to have to spend her life trying to cheer up Marius because his revolution didn’t really work. Also, this is her first relationship after a childhood and adolescence spent in near reclusion, and that’s a red flag. A good friend would tell her to wait a beat, I think, and live a little before settling down.

Jean Valjean

I get that after the encounter with the bishop Jean Valjean wanted to start life anew, but I think it might have been a good idea for him to check in with his parole officer, thereby avoiding a lifetime on the run from the law. Sure, it would require some back and forth, pretending to be two different people at once — Jean Valjean and Le Maire — but if Mrs. Doubtfire could do it, anyone can!

Monsieur Thénardier and Madame Thénardier (better known as innkeeper and wife)

Honestly, the Thénardiers might have one of the better relationships in the whole story. They’re united in purpose — making as much money as possible at every opportunity. They have the ruthlessness and drive necessary to turn a profit in the fast-paced world of hospitality. I just have a few minor critiques. For one, maybe treat the child you agreed to take in a little better. Like, bathe her every now and again. Also, it’s not great that you don’t recognize your own daughter when you go to rob Jean Valjean’s house. Also not great that you attempted to rob Jean Valjean’s house. But other than that? No notes.