this post was submitted on 06 Dec 2023
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Lord of the memes
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This got me confused
Why didn't just Tom wear the Ring as he makes passionate love with his wife, so he can force Sauron to watch.
Sauron, who is a virgin, who never had a gf and was dismembered and reduced to a giant eye by a fucking human would realize he is nothing compared to Tom, whose girth is beyond even Eru Ilúvatar's comprehension.
Wishing to die but unable to kill himself as he doesn't even have a fucking hand to pull the trigger, he would order his orc armies to piss on him, so that the flames of his eye can be extinguished and his mind can be set free of Tom's all encompassing girth. His spirit would be released to the boundless void that ripples and contorts with Tom's mighty thrusts and he would find no solace.
When Tom thrusts his final thrust and shoots a billion Bombadillos deep into Goldberry's loins, the impact would shatter Sauron's soul into a billion Saurodillos and he would be free. When this happens, not even the wisest can tell.
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this is probably one of the strangest LOTR fics I've seen
Where is it stated he was a virgin? He used to be able to change his appearance at will. Pretty sure he got laid with every sentient species in Middle earth and probably some non-sentient as well.
He did get left on read by Galadriel, so it's certainly possible if he tried at all, but there's also nothing to say he did other than that.
But he is a demon-analogue so anything goes. Asexual being? Sure. Hypersexual being? Also sure.