Hydro homies

I’ve heard good things about Miami, but Florida is cursed for me. I’ve lived there a few times and it always goes poorly for me. Like really bad.

The first time I lived in Florida my mom died. I was 7. The last time I lived in Florida my first wife made me go to a going away party for one of her coworkers at a bar. When we got there the coworker was too drunk, and as luck would have it underage. She was passed out in the women’s bathroom. I went in and scooped her up put her in my car. Drove her home and tucked her in, and got back in my car.

That’s when I realized that something smelled bad in my car. See that chick was wearing a miniskirt. My wife told me that when she had passed out she was taking a shit and forgot to pull her panties down. I turned on the dome light to see poop in my backseat and a spot on my knee where I had boosted her up into my arms. The chick did detail my car and make fresh chocolate chip cookies for us. I didn’t eat them.

That was just one of the many heinous things that happened while I was there last time. Like, I love adventure, and have tons of stories. But, Florida gets exhausting, even for me.