Am I the Asshole?

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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/GarySixNoine on 2023-06-25 22:33:10+00:00.

My niece (on my wife’s side) had her third baby’s first birthday party at her boyfriend’s house. I had never been there before but was excited to go. When we (wife of 15 years, me, and our 4 year old son) arrived, the house was extremely unclean. The air conditioning was not running - on a 95* Georgia summer day. There were three dogs and a cat in cages relentlessly barking. Dog shit was all over the place inside and out. The house smelled foul. I couldn’t stand to be in the house. I hung out with my brother in law outside most of the time. Dinner was served but I couldn’t eat. My son was oblivious, playing with the other kids, but I couldn’t stop watching him, afraid he would get into something gross.

After an hour, I texted my wife “can we please go? I’m uncomfortable.” She said no. We argued over text for a bit and told me to go home if I wanted to and she would catch a ride later. Of course I didn’t do that. I sucked it up and stayed the entire time. When we left she said I was being disrespectful to her family for wanting to go home. She said she would never act that way at my family’s parties. She said essentially that I was being a snob and that this is just how it is at people of lower incomes houses.

Context: my wife is an immigrant and person of color who was raised in poverty. I’m a middle class white guy, so there’s that.

We have plenty of friends and family at lower income levels who we visit frequently. That sort of thing doesn’t matter to me. Even the heat at the party, which was uncomfortable, was not that big of a deal. It was the unhygienic, (IMO dangerous) conditions of the house that made me want to leave. I just thought it was gross and didn’t want to be there, or my son to be there. I don’t care about the socioeconomic status of my friends or family, but I do expect a basic level of hygiene when I’m invited for a visit.

It doesn’t take any extra money to clean your house or keep after a pet. But my wife is acting as I was some disrespectful, stuck up, white privileged asshole for wanting to leave.

So, am I the asshole here? Thanks!