WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an announcement that many in Washington felt was overdue, Representative George Santos said that he was resigning from Congress to spend more time with his imaginary family.

“As much as I’ve loved this job, it’s taken me away from my kids,” he said. “And to them I say: Blake, Kaylee, Agnes, Skip, Molly, Charlie, Leeann, and Rex, Daddy’s coming home.”