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Ive seen a lot of opinions like this, and for me its missing the entire point of the fediverse: instances are free to make their own decisions.
If you think defederating for anything other than the most extreme reasons is bad, thats fine. There are instances like that
And if people are happy with more defederation for any reason, those instances exist
Any meta-discussion about how widely defederation should be used across ALL instances is inherently kinda dumb
And as an aside: people are really overreacting to beehaw temporarily defederating from two big instances to deal with an unprecedented rise in users and activity. Its not a big deal.
Likewise, there are instance that already have the likes of exploding-heads defederated. This is a discussion on how defederation should be used. And I for one agree with OP, only use defederation when absolutely necessary.
There's a difference between instances with some bad users, or too many users to moderate properly with existing tools, and there are instances based on premises that just need to be isolated and die. If an instance is run and moderated by genocide deniers, that's drastically different than one with some trolls swimming in a sea of normal people. I'm not quite sure how out there exploding heads is, but burggit and lemmygrad are pretty obvious cases of illegal/reprehensible servers.
Unfortunately, this is true. We'll never convince everyone in the Fediverse to see things our way, nor vice versa. And we shouldn't. So, some instances will pick and choose, while others will stay wide open to federation.
The other side of this coin, though, is when an instance gets large enough to be able to host differing views. At that point, federation or defederation can't simply be what I want, or what the loudest voice wants, but what everyone can live with.
What I see eventually happening, is there will be several large instances with large user bases. These will federate with almost everyone. Then you'll have smaller niche instances, for those looking to fine-tune their experience.