this post was submitted on 04 Nov 2023
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Do you really love this person? I mean really, like truly. Cuz you have to realize that this will most probably be like the rest of your life.
I did a similar mistake, married the wrong person out of pitty for her (I wanted to help her). Do understand, people don't change, at least not at the age of 25 and above (I assume you're both not in your teens). Damaged goods is not something I'd be willing to accept again as my life partner. Now I'm stuck with her for the next 15 years or so, till the kid grows up.
Think about having children with this person long and hard and whether you could endure that with a person like that. Marriages come and go, you 2 could get divorced, no harm no faul, but children are for life.
Neither of us want children and yes I really true love her. I'm not planning on leaving her I just want to help her through this. I know she can do this and I believe in her and I'm not going to give up on her until she gives up on herself. I'd take a bullet for her no second thought.
I understand your feelings of empathy and loyalty. I respect that as one of the most beautiful things that can be between two people but be aware that loyalty can also be a trap and that is when it keeps you in a toxic relationship that is slowly destroying you. I´m not saying it has to turn out like that but don´t be naive as I was, be smart. Be there for her, make her feel loved and try everything to help her but at the same time you have to be absolutely aware of a few things.
Alcoholism creates behaviours that are extremely hard to break. There is a possibility that she might never stop drinking at all and that it even gets worse over time, no matter what you do to help her or how much love and care you give her. It is beyond of what you can control, only she could and she might not be able to.
Never forget to keep one eye on yourself and to take care of yourself. Empathic people in difficult relationships often focus so much on managing the relationship and being there for their partner, that they start to neglect the duty of taking care of their own well being. This can take a heavy toll and go on until total mental burnout occurs and can lead to serious psychological trauma, depression, frustration, aggression, emotional instability and so on, leaving you as an injured party at the end.
If time shows that she can´t change, no matter what, get out and safe yourself, don´t hesitate.
I wish you two all the best and that everything will work out. Take good care of yourself.
Thank you, I did need to hear that. When I called up my brother he said a lot of the same stuff. I know there's a possibility she's going to choose alcohol over our relationship and I'm ready to recognize when that happens. But I don't think it's there yet. If she doesn't go to this counseling meeting she scheduled then I'll have to rethink things, unfortunately. I know from experience how bad it can be and how little you care about other people when you're in that hole but sometimes you just need someone to throw you a rope down to help you climb up and I'm hoping that's the case here. And that she chooses to take it and make the effort to climb up herself.
Realizing all these things beforehand will help you a lot in managing whatever you will be going trough. Giving her and the relationship a chance, while being ready to safe yourself if necessary, is the best you can do imo. You should communicate these things with her openly, it might be a motivation for her too.
Again, all the best for the two of you!