Found a decision. We talked about it and apparently I'm a narcissist who causes conflict to arise just so I can shame her. I love her, but I don't think she's the one for me.
We've been together for half a year and, mostly due to circumstances, things are moving fast. We both have PTSD from a variety of events, including abusive families, past romantic and sexual relationships, and sexual violence. I've been diagnosed with ADHD and autism. She's been staying with me to avoid her abusive family. I don't mind, because I love her. However, there has been a lot of conflict lately.
-
Inevitably, we trigger each other because we do not have a comprehensive list of all our triggers. When triggering her, my response has been attempts to make such a comprehensive list and keep these triggers in mind whatever we are doing, whether we are picking a film to watch or having conversations with others that veer into triggering territory. However, she hates this. She fears that I'm making a list of triggers just to use it against her. She also takes a while to recognise when she's triggered, meaning I often bear the brunt of her defensive behaviour. As well as this, she doesn't view my triggers as equally intense. Unless I'm shaking, crying, withdrawing, or having nightmares, my triggers are quirks to tease me about. It's hard not to resent her when she does this.
-
She is not used to self-care. Unless we fight about it, her clothes go on the ground, used dishes stay in our bedroom, bedsheets go unwashed, and she'll often only eat what's available, even when it's long gone off. I am expected to clean up and provide food and I often do, but it's becoming a common cause of burnout for me. Although we both work, she says she does more physical labour as I am an office worker, so while I work twice as many hours, I should still have more energy to do chores.
-
She doesn't recognise that I'm physically unwell. Because of my long hours and stress, my body is not doing too great and I can't make time to see a doctor. However, she still treats me like I'm physically well and when that causes me harm, acts surprised and tries to make amends, but never really acknowledges the state of my body. It's a tiring cycle and when I'm unresponsive to her attempts to make amends, she switches up and blames me for being careless enough to get hurt in the first place.
-
She is not a fan of the "zombie effect" I experience when medicated for ADHD. Neither am I, but I need the medication to be able to manage myself and my responsibilities. However, she takes this up with me as though my focus and lack of excitement is a personal offence towards her and when I'm not amused by all of the points above, she believes that my sensitivity comes from a desire to hurt her, not from a place of genuine emotion. This makes conversations about everything harder, as it often becomes a debate about whether I'm genuinely emoting or just manipulating her into a state of guolt.
She says she loves me and that she will do what it takes to be with me. We have since agreed that she needs a lot of help. However, the points above are becoming a predictable pattern and I don't know if it's reasonable for me to simply take the damage she does to me up until the point she gets help and makes a lot of progress on her journey of recovery or if I should save myself the stress and leave her.
Shit, I am sorry my dude, this does sound like an unhealthy dynamic. While not as severe, I have been in situations like yours, and while I was able to cognitively handle what was being thrown at me, I didn't realize the emotional, and subconscious trauma.
Slowly overtime your brain is adapting to this environment. All that criticism from her is going to stick with you.
I wish you the best man, I know these situations aren't easy to leave.