Am I the Asshole?

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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/throwaway12942937492 on 2023-06-21 21:32:53+00:00.

Throwaway, as my husband knows my main account.

Today was my birthday. I know it's somewhat childish, but birthdays mean a lot to me. Always has, and my husband known this. We have been together for 16 years, of which almost 4 years married.

I have a lot of mental health issues (autism, depression, adhd, anxiety, etc). We also had a rough year with a couple of deaths in the family. I was really looking forward to have a day where I got to feel celebrated - I kind of needed it even more today than recent years.

My husband got home from work and we had to pick up our 3yo from school and have an evaluation for him. Because it was pretty late after, I decided that we could just eat mcdonalds for my birthday. It's easy, we all like it, and our son was very excited.

When we got home, my husband hadn't ordered anything for himself (I was busy with my son during the order so hadn't noticed), and he was planning on cooking for himself when our boy was in bed.

This upset me. For years we have a tradition that the birthdayperson decides what we eat, and we eat as a family. Instead, he didn't even want to sit near us until I told him to at least eat a few bites and sit down with us - he was sitting on the other side of the room until then.

It also upset me, because our free time is limited and he chose to spend the evening rather in the kitchen instead of with me on my birthday.

I also didn't get any card, and he hadn't even made something with my kid that he could give me. While fathersday was last Sunday and we got him a cute card, a few gifts and some special project me and my son had made on together.

He then told me to go upstairs (I was teary eyed) because our boy said he wanted to make me something. He always gives something on birthdays so it must have confused him too.

He made me something beautiful, but the damage of my husband was already done. I shouldn't have to ask for things on my birthday. I literally got nothing if I hadn't asked.

So when our child went to bed, I got angry. And I cried. Then he got angry, said it was a workday and he just didn't want to spend his few hours before bed with me because then he shouldn't have any free time then. I said 1 hour would have been fine, but I shouldn't have to ask.

We argued and he said I would have gotten a gift tomorrow, but as I am ungrateful I can just send it back when it arrives.

His other reasons were that he just didn't think about it, his effort was ordering a gift a week ago and it should be enough, he didn't want to eat mcdonalds, and I shouldn't be mad.

In the end he didn't cook dinner for himself and just sat in his room playing games all evening while I cried downstairs. Me being angry didn't made him want to be near me.

Am I the asshole?