this post was submitted on 12 Sep 2023
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Relationship Advice

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I'm 8 months out of a 15 year marriage... and I still care. (lemmy.one)
submitted 1 year ago by [email protected] to c/relationship_advice
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I care for her well-being. I mean, I spent 15 years with someone, and I feel like I'm following a guidebook on divorce.

My marriage ended in a mutual tone. She obviously didn't love me in the same ways she used to, same for me as I used to for her, but she's still a person, and we still spent 15 years together. Formative parts of our teenage lives were experienced together. It's not even as-if there's a void, it's a gaping hole through to the other side.

I don't know if she's dead. I don't know if she's ok. I don't know anything, and I'm afraid to ask. I cut off all contact, as was pretty much universally suggested and even I had a lot of ideas that I'd never really come away from it entirely unless I literally separated my life from her. It's a divorce. It's what you do, isn't it?

I just want her to know it wasn't so much by choice as it was a commonplace necessity, but... why would she care? I also get the sense that the second my name is seen on any note, it would just the thrown away, and am I even right to send one, and for what long-term purpose?

It's just a waste of time, isn't it? We should just move on, but... can I? 15 years. I'm 35 now. I should be spending my last five decent dating years finding someone new, but I'm stuck on her being ok. I don't even have to be the one to find out, just someone tell me she's ok.

She probably just hates me and never wants to hear from me anyway, and what good would it do? I'd know how she is, I guess, but she'd have another thread into my life and things could end up more complicated overall.

Every time this comes up in my head, I decide against it, but it keeps coming up, almost daily, like a self-induced torture. "Just don't think about it!" Easy talk...

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[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I don't want other people tied up in my feelings for her. I've had two dates in the six months, and yeah, plenty of flirting but it's mostly talk and I don't go much further. There's still shit keeping me from accepting someone else.

I told my cousin I'd hold off on dating until I had more to offer another person other than misery.

[–] Lifecoach5000 4 points 1 year ago

Sounds like you’re being very self aware and smart about it. No need to plunge back into the dating pool too quick - especially when you know you’ve still got this baggage.