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147

Is it wrong for 25M to date 19F? (self.asklemmy)

submitted 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) by MTK to c/[email protected]

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So I met this girl by chance and we really hit it off, once I learned of her age I decided to just be friends as I think that 19 to 25 is an age were we mature a lot and I remember myself as a 19yo and I was not mature enough to be a good partner and to be good to myself.

I talked to a female friend of mine and she said that I'm over thinking it and that I should ask her out and be open minded, and so I did and we are going on a date soon.

The thing is, she seems really mature but I can't put aside the age gap.

Am I over thinking it? Should I really just take it slow and just be vigilant about the situation and notice if this isn't healthy for me or her?

Or should I let her down easy and continue as friends?

Update: We went on a date and it was great, I read all of the comments and there were some really good advices that I took to heart. I will take things slow and try to be as aware of the situation as possible. I hope it will go well :)

Thank you everyone!

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[–] [email protected] 119 points 1 year ago (3 children)

Check to see if there is a power differential here.

Are you an established adult with a Real Job and a nice apartment while she is struggling to figure out how to get out from under the thumb of her controlling family? Or is she happily making her own way in the world as a small farmer or boat salesperson or something while you have been futzing around painting skateboards and playing in a minor punk band?

Older people dating younger people can be wrong because it is easy for the older person to have too much power in the relationship. If you have something she really wants or needs that you can provide or withdraw at will or as a condition of the relationship, you should not date.

[–] [email protected] 16 points 1 year ago (2 children)

Wtfh why do you pretend like people can't be nice if there is a power differential? A couple with a moderate power differential like you describe is only a problem if the powerful one decides to be a dick about it; it's literally fine as long as they are a nice person and can commit to not taking advantage.

[–] [email protected] 36 points 1 year ago

Yeah, probably more of a 'proceed with caution' rather than a flat no.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

Plus in any relationship there are wants and needs being met by the relationship that would be withdrawn if the relationship were to end. Mutual benefit is why you get into a long term relationship in the first place.

[–] TheWoozy 9 points 1 year ago

If you have something she really wants or needs that you can provide or withdraw at will or as a condition of the relationship, you should not date.

There's a sex joke in there, but the conversation it to mature for me to make it.

[–] MTK 5 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I guess there is some of that but I think that if I take it slow and let her be her own person outside the relationship (as we all should) it should be less of an issue

[–] mrcleanup 5 points 1 year ago

The fact that you are talking about "letting"her be her own person outside the relationship sort of implies that she might not have already figured out how to do that on her own.

People are right to wave red flags here, but are also right that it isn't necessarily the age that is the potential problem.

Make sure she knows how to be an independent adult with her own career, hobbies, and motivations, or you get into unpredictable territory.