this post was submitted on 09 Sep 2023
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Relationship Advice

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GF and me broke up after 7 years of relationship (self.relationship_advice)
submitted 1 year ago by trodat to c/relationship_advice
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Hello, this is gonna be a long one.

My Gf and I broke up over our long term goals in our life. I grew up on a kinda farm and always told her that I see my future on the farm (not working as a farmer, but its the place I grew up on and it was always my plan to live there). I told her really early on, like 6 1/2 years ago, while she was never as exited for it as me, it never seemed to be a problem for her, she rides horse for a hobby and we had often talked about how we someday have the horse standing on the farm and maybe keep some chickens. My Gf was 19 when we got together (I was the only Partner she had in her adult live) and I was 23 when we got together, now she is 26 and I am 30.

Fast forward to like 6 months ago, we start to make plans for the house (we have to tear one down so we can build a new one). She starts to worry about how, now that it comes closer and closer, doesnt want to live on that farm.

3 Weeks ago she told me she cant imagine herself to be happy on the farm, I dont want to leave the farm behind, we couldnt find a compromise and broke up. We lived in a small apartment in a city. I decide to live at my parents on the farm and she keeps the apartment. We decide we want to try and stay friends, since theres no problem between us, only our life goals ( she dont really know what she wants in her future) I help her numerous times in the apartment, sell her my car for a very moderate price (condition was she does all the paperwork so I have time to move in with all my stuff at my parents but I do a last service on the car, because im a car mechanic, she offered to pay me but I declined). That all was 3 to 2 weeks ago. One week ago I hear rumors that she has a new guy, but you get easily paranoid about that stuff after a breakup, so I wait, but more and more details emerge.

Yesterday I confronted her, she admits everything, we both stay pretty calm but cry a lot, she says that this was a giant mistake, she swears there was nothing goin on when we were still together and I believe her on that.

Yesterday evening we wrote another, I wrote her how much she hurt me by hooking up with another guy after 2 weeks whe I tried to help her with the apartment and car and that I cannot see her again because Istill have feelings for her. She wrote me that she understands she fucked up big time and hates herself for hurting me but still loves me, how I always was her best friend and perfect partner for her and that she understands how dissapointed I am and that it was probably the bigges error she ever did.

Today in the morning she calls and asks if we can meet up and talk and I accept that. We talk and we finally talk about why we broke up in the first place, and both understand that we both misunderstood ourself in a lot of ways about living on the farm.

Now I would have easily taken her back if it was just that, but she slept with that guy only 2 weeks after we broke up and that really really hurt. I know she was hurt and desperate and confused about what she wanted, but damn, 2 weeks after 7 years relationship! You are an adult and your actions have consequences.

Some hours ago she asked if we can talk again on Monday, I said "Yes, we can, but you have to end whatever it is you have with that new guy, but even then, I dont know if I can forgive you"

What are you opinions here? I know I still have feelings for her, and I know she has feelings for me, but what she did was really shitty, especially when I helped her and behind my back she was probably already fucking her new guy.

I really dont know what to do, I mean, in my heart I want her back, but my brain remembers what she did to me.

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[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

I empathize where you likely are emotionally. You refer to her as your GF even though she is currently your ex is telling.

Would first recommend addressing the fact that your ex hooked up with another person while you guys were broken up first with yourself and then with your ex. That ongoing/underlying resentment between individuals is a relationship killer if you guys end up getting back together without addressing this in a healthy communicative way and putting it in the rear view mirror.

Then honestly address why this happened in the first place. Were you not picking up on her reservations or fears about spending the rest of her life with you and/or being on a farm? Did you guys not have an open and communicative relationship or a safe emotional environment (i.e. trust) to make sure the physical and mental needs were being met for both of you guys?

This doesn’t have to be the end a 7 year relationship and could be a start of a new chapter and deeper emotional bond for both of you together. The fact that it takes guts and vulnerability to post something like this to the internet out of all things shows you have the potential to become a better and stronger human being and dare I say wiser even if you guys choose to not to continue life’s journey together.

Best of luck to both of you.

PS, I highly recommend watching Brené Brown’s Ted Talk on vulnerability.

The power of vulnerability | Brené Brown The power of vulnerability | Brené Brown

The message is universal for many aspects of social and emotional growth IMO.