this post was submitted on 06 Aug 2023
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Asklemmy
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Thanks homie. I actually quit therapy the last time because my issues were caused by me being broke, alone, and working long hours. My therapist said that my money would be better put towards my bills than therapy. That no amount of coping skills would make me not poor and alone.
Well I got a better job, made friends, and and I'm lightyears ahead of where I used to be, but still i find myself thinking about ending it. Personally I think my past depression kinda fried my brain and I'm permanently broken and probably need meds to be halfass happy.
I don't have enough enough money to move into my own place, and even though that's my goal, that's what I'd define as success, I'm not sure that'd make me happy. I know myself and I know if i lived by myself I'd be lonely and probably overdependant on my work friends. Also I've been trying to date but only halfass sending likes on the apps and just a little bit of flirting with my coworkers. In fact there's this one coworker I have that's i am just illogically attracted to. Only problem is she's out of my league in looks, economical standing, has degrees and she's also older. She's so different from me though, in almost every way. I thought i leaned right politically but jeez she really showed me what it's like to be conservative in Asia.
Idk i think that's just the bourbon talking though. I think about her more than i should, that's for sure. I'd give her everything if she asked even though I know it'd be wrong.
Anyway I'm going to try to sign up for BetterHelp. Honestly I'll have to lie because they reject certain people but i just can't afford anything else rn.
I appreciate you friend. Hope to see you around lemmy soon on a more happy post.
One thing I learned, is that, most of the time, someone is only out of your league if you believe they are. I don't know you (beyond our little conversation here) or her (at all), but it sounds like you have a lot to offer. And, no, not giving her everything, but that part shows me that you're emotionally available, or, at the very least, willing to be. Although, I don't know if I would recommend dating or pursuing a coworker, as it can lead to some very unpleasant situations.
Another thing I've learned, happiness and success are not actually linked to one another. I know several well-off to bumtasticlly rich people who, I think, everyone would categorize as super successful, and they are some of the most unhappy people. I also know rich people who are happy, and poor people who are happy, and poor people who are unhappy. My point is that money and success won't make you happy.
Money makes life easier sometimes, but good friends (emphasis on the good), I think, add more happiness than a ton of money.
I think the BetterHelp thing is a wonderful place to start, even if you have to bend the truth a bit to get in. You deserve happiness.
Believe in yourself, and don't be afraid to be happy--that's one of the hardest things to do after a stint (no matter how long or short) of depression. Tell yourself every single day that you deserve to be happy and you are going to be happy today. Literally, write it on a stickynote on the mirror "I deserve to be happy, and I will be happy today" and read it out loud (even as a whisper) every morning. Maybe add a phone reminder to remind you of this fact throughout the day.
I feel like I just don't know how to impress her. Part of me says I shouldn't have to try so hard that I'm not acting like myself, and the other part of me says that I need to be an exceptional person to stand out among the other men she might meet.
I think you're right about money not equaling happiness. I never wanted to be a millionaire, i just want enough to entertain my hobbies occasionally.
As far as it being a bad idea to date a coworker- i know it's not great but I don't think she's going to work at my job for much longer. Still I'm aware the consequences of dating a coworker is immediate site reassignment and likely a pay cut. Love isn't free though.
Yeah, that's a hard one. On one hand, we always want to be who we think she wants us to be when we're first dating, but on the other hand, this isn't sustainable. Eventually, our true selves come out, leading to statements like "you're not the man I started dating" or whatnot and it could lead to a breakup. I'm of the belief that if someone doesn't like me for me, then she doesn't deserve to have me. That said, however, there's nothing wrong with having (safe and respectful) fun as we wait for the one.
If the job is temporary and finding another job is relatively easy, the risk is minimal. If the job isn't temporary, but it's not the career you want, the risk is higher but not high. If the job is in the field you want to career in, the risk is high. Of course, if the consequences of dating a coworker is basically termination, they (your employers) don't need to know. I think it's unethical to date your subordinate or your supervisor/manager, but I don't see anything ethically wrong with dating a coworker.
Honestly, dude. We gotta make this life count and, sometimes, that means taking calculated risks (like dating a coworker), and sometimes it means playing it safe (like not risking reassignment). You can conduct a risk analysis (be brutally honest with yourself), and decide if it's worth pursuing. I fell in love with my best friend (stupid move, I know). I sat on it as long as I could. Eventually, I was starting to see the world in unsaturated colors. I did a risk analysis on asking her out with the potential of losing my best friend. I was determined that I wouldn't allow this to completely destroy our friendship, and finally built the courage to do ask her out. She said no. And it was super awkward for a week or so. But I kept being her friend. She changed her mind to "I'll think about it". Shoot, I'll take that! A week or so later we gave it a shot. She fell in love a week after that, and we've been together since. These things can happen, but they're the exception. The thing is, even if we don't realize we're doing this, we're all looking for our One, but are all super cautious of one another, trying our best to guard our hearts. This causes rifts to grow between us, and we go from potential friends to "just coworkers". Seriously, I see this going both ways and they're both equally plausible, so I truly don't know which to recommend :( All I can say is to run the risk analysis and determine whether this is a risk you're willing to take, and I can also say that whichever you do decide, know that I support it and have got your back as best as an internet stranger can.
Most women dont want to be impressed and the ones that do arent worth it. What many that are worth the time want is just to be treated like a person, respected for what they can do and bring to the table and what their strengths are. Just be yourself, and honest (well maybe not too honest) but professional. If it happens it happens, dont force it. But personally, she likely has boundaries with with work. Dudes can often have flings with co-workers but if a woman does it, its becomes a stigma and can affect their career in a big way. Its like the saying "you fuck one goat and you are a goat fucker for life". So you gotta respect that and dont shit where you eat and if you do, never tell a goddam soul but she would need to make the first pass in my book.
From experience. Hes right. See my other comment.
Also, wast this thread about Sweet Baby Rays?
Yeah this thread was about bbq sauce in general. I don't really like sweet baby rays. When i was a kid my wicked step mom made shredded chicken and drowned it in sweet baby rays bbq sauce. I had to eat a bowl full of it. It was so disgusting that it ruined the whole brand for me even 10 years later.
Yeah. that sounds terrible. ITs like A1 on a steak. Its so sweet I gotta use it very sparingly. I was just fuckin around though!
It wont. You'd be lonely then.
That said. What keeps you centered? What keeps you from burning out?
Dont do that. Its messy. Dont shit where you eat or put off the vibes. You gotta separate it out.
I'll asl again, What keeps you centered? What keeps you from burning out?
gonna be honest. Sounds like a shit therapist anyway. Theres tons of em, high on education low on experience or worse, more fucked up and got into it trying to fix themselves. Id bet my left nut betterhelp is chock full of em too, but it wont hurt to look, id still say keep it local if you can. If you are at that point, keep looking though. A decent one that clicks can do wonders.
Personally, i find what helps me is
A good sleep routine. Not drunk passed out good sleep, but solid 8 hours. I take some meds that help that arent habit forming and can be stopped at any time.
Exercise. Even just walking and podcasts. It helps clear your mind and the heartrate.
Some un-work-related hobby that I can get frustration out with. You dont even have to be good. Musical instruments, working on shit/fixing shit, exploring/hiking etc etc. Basically anything and it can always shift around. Just something to do in downtime that engages that part of your brain.
NGL, 2 and 3 can be hard. I often have to push through the "fuck this, whats the point" or "dont wanna be up doing this shit right now" parts at the beginning, but 9/10 its worth it. Once i stopped chasing women and just focused on 3 things start coming naturally. You wont even need to "flirt" its where the "just be yourself" comes from.
And before you say "ya ya, you dont know me". I went from living in my car in college/young adult hood to making solid money with a family. Its doable. The depression never goes away, its like addiction. But you gotta learn how to deal with it and keep it in check. A good therapist can help you find that. If they are just driving you to meds or something, ditch them unless you are like full on legit bi-polar or something (then you gotta be on meds, it is what it is)
I think that's my problem. I'm kinda stuck in a loop of work,sleep,work,sleep. I try to capitalize on my weekends as much as possible but its just so difficult. I work graveyard and on my first day off i have to work that morning. I try to stay up as late as possible but usually I fall asleep around 1500 or so. When I feel like eating a bullet ill head up the mountains and go target shooting. Maybe that sounds counterintuitive but it's a hobby I've had as long as i can remember. I can't really do that rn though because my rifle is broken and I need a gunsmith to fix it. I'd have taken it in but for some reason thinking about it makes me feel really anxious. I can't really think of any reason why either besides the fact that I've just never used gunsmithing services before.
During the workweek I don't ever have more than one drink because it makes what little sleep I get to be not that restful.
You're right about flirting with coworkers. Fortunately I don't think I've done it so much that it's begun to define me. There's this one woman who works with me and she's just so great. I want to ask her out but we have different days off and the nice restaurants I'd take her don't open until mid day- when we have to sleep for work.
I'm not sure if you ever saw the r/RelationshipAdvice subreddit but one the questions asked on almost every thread is "What value do you bring to a relationship?" And I've never been able to satisfactorily answer that question. I mean I'm just an average guy. I can't offer much beyond companionship and trivia about dinosaurs. Even my hobbies aren't relatable for most women. Still I know a wife isn't going to just fall in my lap, it's one of those things you have to work towards.
Anyway I appreciate your reply friend. Lots of sound advice from you.
Yeah you gotta break that loop.
Shooting is a great way to relieve stress tbh. I'd find a smith in town you are comfortable with (i know its a weird community). Often the fixes are pretty quick too, especially if they have parts. Just be cognizant of your feelings with shit like that, dont do anything rash and maybe have a friend or someone you can trust that may be willing to hold the piece for a while if needed. But the biggest thing is breaking the cycle.
Fishing, hunting are huge weekend time sucks for me. It gets me away from technology, having to figure out patterns and Im gonna be honest theres nothing like seeing the world wake up in the morning. I also will just go hiking/exploring. Like I said though, learning guitar is one that has helped me where I dont have weekends I can disappear.
You mentioned Dinosaurs. Depending on where you are, theres plenty of places to go looking for things like arrow heads, fossills and shit like that.
SO
You can break that. One thing i did in my younger years to break habits (smoking etc) was wear a rubber band and just give myself a little pop if I felt I wanted a cig etc. But the big thing is just to stop. Friendly banter in the break room is one thing, but (and not saying you are) but just chill out on stopping by peoples workspace etc to chat for a while. DO you thing and head home.
If its one thing I have found, thats a load of shit. THere are women that like dinosaurs for sure. Tons of women like shooting and going out in nature and shit. I havent been in the dating game in a long time, but Ill say what it took for me to break from picking up women at bars and shit (which werent people I would bring home to family) was to just think of it like making a guy friend. Do shit that would interest you and see what pans out, or try new shit. As soon as I did that, and just said "im not picking someone up", women started showing interest. My wife was met at a co-workers Barbeque etc. I was younger, but still. SOOO many dudes treat women as objects, just simply talking to them and listening like you would another guy is all it takes. But even still, my wife and I dont share too many hobbies. We just tend to watch shows and shit and like to go find places to eat and whatever. In our younger years we did a bit more together in the hobby realm, but kids change you. But even then, I have to keep certain things (like fishing, hunting, shooting, etc) to stay centered. Its a lifelong endeavor there.
Just avoid relationships were bonding is based in trauma (ie: you are both depressed). Those never fuckin work.