Image text: @agnieszkasshoes: "Part of what makes small talk so utterly debilitating for many of us who are neurodivergent is that having to smile and lie in answer to questions like, "how are you?" is exhausting to do even once, and society makes us do it countless times a day."
@LuckyHarmsGG: "It's not just the lie, it's the energy it takes to suppress the impulse to answer honestly, analyze whether the other person wants the truth, realize they almost certainly don't, and then have to make the DECISION to lie, every single time. Over and over. Decision fatigue is real"
@agnieszkasshoes: "Yes! The constant calculations are utterly exhausting - and all under the pressure of knowing that if you get it "wrong" you will be judged for it!"
My addition: For me, in addition to this, more specifically it's the energy to pull up that info and analyze how I am. Like I don't know the answer to that question and that's why it's so annoying. Now I need to analyze my day, decide what parts mean what to me and weigh the average basically, and then decide if that's appropriate to share/if the person really wants to hear the truth of that, then pull up my files of pre-prepared phrases for the question that fits most closely with the truth since not answering truthfully is close to impossible for me.
https://www.instagram.com/p/CvPSP-2xU4h/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA==
That’s how it should be. Unfortunately, there’s a fair amount of people who take your honesty as a direct affront to them. After all, how do I dare to say I’m not doing so well? At that point, the socially acceptable thing to do is to display some empathy for me, and they don’t like me enough to put that effort! I shouldn’t have strayed away from the script!
I’ve never had that happen to me. I’ll cheerfully say ‘feeling a bit rough, how are you? And I’ve never really had people take affront. … that I’ve noticed 🙂
For me, my problem with this approach is first of all I can't cheerfully say feelings a bit rough. That does not compute. But also, in my experience, if I say anything remotely negative that creates social pressure for them to ask for more details. "Aw I'm sorry, what's going on? 🥺"
But while I don't like lying about how I am, I also am not comfortable talking about my personal problems with people I'm not close to. So I would really prefer to not be put in this position in the first place.
Maybe we should consider if it is appropriate for us to know about someone's personal problems before we ask "how are you?"
If the answer is, ehh probably not appropriate, we should refrain from asking that because by doing so we are creating social pressure for the answer to only be positive, whether or not that's true.
I have decided to try and practice saying "hi hope you're having a nice day" instead of how are you to people I'm not close to. I think that reflects what we're really trying to say with the "how are you" in reality - we are wishing the person well.
It's like the Russian formal greeting Здравствуйте (zdrast-vyui'tye) literally translates to "Have health!
I’ve never felt so understood. I’ve contemplated telling people, “sorry that’s too personal of a question“ when asked. It’s painful.