this post was submitted on 22 Jul 2023
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Anything but talking to other people
Fr though, "where?"
I'm seriously looking for ideas, I never got into social media, I will not sign up for them nor dating social medias, and as I age I've become disenfranchised with alcohol in general and the alcoholics I used meet in bars which was the last vestige of a local meeting place once school ended. My hobbies are all sort of loner hobbies as well like books and old bad movies, probably a consequence of being an only child in a single parent household, which tbh, I like that I can be mostly self sufficient and don't seek to find my happiness in others, but I'd like to meet someone if the option is available. But where do I meet people now? It is rather uncouth to ask people out for coffee while they're working somewhere I am a customer even if I do it super politely, but that is likely the only place I will interact with other humans all day outside of work and lemmy, unless I have to go to two stores. Afaik, the 80s are over and you can't ask other customers in the grocery store either anymore lest you come off as a creep for just saying "hey I think you look super cool and I was wondering if you weren't seeing anyone maybe you'd like to get some coffee sometime?" (To be fair, I haven't tested this theory, I just feel creepy every time I think "I should just fucking ask" and psych myself out, so, maybe? Maybe if I just lead with "hey it's hard af to meet people these days right? Well anyway I'm ArcaneSlime, what's your name, wanna get coffee?") Maybe use Alovoa since it respects privcy, but idk if that is viable just yet, and then I have to put pictures of me on an online acct? I haven't done that in 10yr because it is antithetical to the concept of privacy in and of itself! Work I can make friends at all day, even on the go it can be done though it is certainly more rare, but I can't date people from work because if it doesn't work out it might get weird for one of the two parties, I don't like that dynamic.
Sometimes I think I should just become an alcoholic again just so that I can fucking meet people. Any ideas on where to meet people other than bars or online are welcome. We need weed bars like cigar bars and hooka lounges, I can still smoke weed without feeling physically ill.
/rant lol.
Oh and to preempt cries of "incel," I'm not complaining about women, I'm complaining about the lack of meeting places that aren't "the local bar or tinder," and looking for ideas on ones I may have missed. If I didn't like women I wouldn't be looking for more ways to meet them! Lol
I feel that. It feels all the socials "wells or waterholes" have dried up, and everything's migrated to apps. I know some young people complain about the same regarding dating: you have to be on a dating app as trying to approach people outside them seem suspect... Meanwhile the culture on this apps can be atrocious, and favour the lowest common denominator...
/rant
On the more constructive side: I play the numbers game, I guess. I socialize with everyone and participate in anything I feel remotely interesting, when moving to a new place or similar. Visiting cafes, art sites, local clubs for this and that, sport events. And yeah, I used to hit the pubs. Then I just interact - not /to make friends/ explisitely, but just as part of me being normal. In the end, after talking with everyone, everywhere I go, you probably have interacted with hundreds of people, and you can of end with a handful that you hang out with from there. It just kind of happens.
Just to be clear, I'm not trying to do this in a (very) forced or creepy way, just in a way I feel is natural and "totally normal", at least to me. E.g. at a gallery looking at a picture, if I really like the picture, and I see someone else studying it - and they don't look aloof or like they would mind - I carefully try to strike up a chat. If they signal they don't want, I disengage.
But, yeah, I find the lack of non-drinking meeting places a drag...
Thanks, I may try to talk to passers-by more often and see where it goes, even just to excersize social skills my demographic seems to have missed. Honestly it feels these days like people in my age group (I'm 30) feel imposed upon by conversation but I too have seen others complaining about the same issue, so maybe I should "be the change I want to see in the world" lol.
Honestly as for the "creepy," this may sound batshit insane but I'm not sure how much of it is really just in my own head. It's not like I'm overtly sexual in my approach or anything (well again I haven't really tried "my approach" yet either since I quit bars just before the pandemic, that is still so far theoretical), I'm looking for something long term if I can find the right person, I just feel creepy even trying to ask someone if they'd like to get to know eachother over coffee, and have no clue how I would get my proverbial foot in the door (something like your art gallery suggestion which I will likely use, I haven't been to my city's art museum in too long.) Once I get to talking to someone I think I can hold my own, I'm no [current male sex symbol] but I have jokes, a job, a house, and I look human enough, the hard part is really "hey." It isn't even the rejection that stops me, it's straight up fear that I'll be labeled creepy (and have to see this person ever again) or that I'm imposing and I don't want to be an asshole and ruin some poor woman's day by asking her out for coffee (which you see women complaining about all the time, but idk those dude's sales pitch, maybe they're really creepy about it and my pitch isn't, or maybe they don't try to lead with something like the art gallery, idfk, maybe all of that is just me overthinking because of crippling ADHD lol). Maybe you're right, lead with talking about something in the surroundings, if she seems cool and receptive ask for a number/coffee date.
I know I rambled quite a bit, but tl;dr:
Thank you for the advice, I'm gonna try this for a while and see how it goes!
Go travelling. South East Asia is cheap and full of friendly locals and fellow travellers who are keen to meet new people all the time. The trick with this stuff is to get out of your comfort zone
Lol I have heard the "go to the Phillipines" one before but that unfortunately isn't an option for me. 90 day fiance is a fun show though.
Borrow a dog and go to dog parks.
Imma get home and my cats are gonna accuse me of cheating!
This isn't a bad idea though in all seriousness lol, I may give it a whirl.
Figure out what you can do to help people in your community or neighborhood and you'll end up meeting some nice people
I haven't been to the local food bank in a while, but last time I did it was mostly populated with kids that had community service and retired people that are still spry enough to sort cans and had the time to spend a saturday doing it. There were a few people employed by the state that were about 15yr older than me (now, prob 20-25y older back then), and I'd prefer someone a little closer in age if possible. The local womens shelter would be helpful, but something tells me that's not a great place to meet women (is joke, is ok), and addiction services would be helpful but you're not supposed to date people you meet in AA so while I'm not addicted to alcohol and could theoretically sponsor someone, that's a weird power dynamic and again not supposed to date.
Maybe I'll take a shift at the food bank and see what's up, I guess if some woman there my age has community service I can bet she's probably fun at least and see where it goes. If not at least I sorted some potatoes for 8hr in the deadly heat on my only day off and got to talk to some cool 75yos and make a new weed connect who is 16.
I use my third monitor explicitly for talking to other people, specifically email, teams, and sms.
If anyone is running multi-monitor on Windows, I highly recommend trying Actual Window Manager.