Relationship Advice

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I need advice (lemmy.nz)

submitted 1 week ago by [email protected] to c/relationship_advice

12 comments fedilink hide all child comments

seeking advice

Me (26/F) and my husband (33/M) has been married for 3.5 years and we both work from home. he is a programmer and for the last 5 months I began to learn create some things he need for his game that he's creating (which he asked and encouraged me to do) so I've been experiencing some grate changes (I never did anything with technology I was a writer and a literature nerd before). we shared everything from the beginning and I need to mention he always made much more money than me and even now we are living on his savings which are good. and I always do the cooking and cleaning and laundry and feeding our dog and basically everything around the house.

The problem began when once several months ago when I asked him if he can make his own coffee just once, he argued that he is the one working and trying to make money (I was unemployed at that time) so I should have some responsibility and do the things in the house and I wasn't doing enough (our dog shed a lot and I didn't have the time to vacuum yet and didn't make coffee). I didn't say anything and agreed that since i'm not doing anything else i would take care of the house. but i'm not always so clean and although i prepare every meal on time but my kitchen sometimes gets messy but the mess wouldn't stay more than 1/2 days. since then we had this conversation a few other times that the house isn't always clean enough and I acknowledged I'm a little messy and I'll try better.

So since I began to learn and create the things he asked in my computer, I had less time to clean the house, also i need to mention I'm not very fast in this new area and my work goes on a little slow. two days ago he was going out for a swim in the pool and at last minute he turned back and said to me: "I wish my wife would surprise me with a cleaned vacuumed floor when I come back" and without any thought I answered: "well you never surprise me with a clean floor when i come home, and i'm doing stuffs too" . he got angry and said "you don't do anything and left. when he came back he didn't talk or answer me and angrily went vacuuming and then throw the vacuum with great anger that I thought it's definitely broken. then I went to bed and didn't eat for one day, he didn't even checked if i was alive, not until after he heard me vomiting (i have stomach problem and it happened cause i didn't eat) and then he called my mom and said: " she (me) is not feeling well can you bring us some food?!" when i asked him in the middle of my pain that tell her not to come and she'll get nervous seeing me like this he answered:" I want her to come because i didn't eat from last night at least somebody will cook for me." (he had dinner and launch and was lying to punish me for not cooking). anyway my mom came and i got better and that night passed... I gave him every meal on time yesterday and today and we are not talking at all, not a single word from that night, i just give him food and he eats and he's not even working anymore, just watching TV with frowning all the time.

I feel so invalid and I wanted to ask is it true that the one who don't have a job has to do everything in the house alone and say nothing? is he right to demand everything without any help just because we live with his money? I'm confused and I need straightforward frank answers. I feel my emotions has been disvalued in many ways in the last couple of years. I need to know what to do to make things ok, thanks for bear reading this.

PS I think my post isn't shown, let me know

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[–] PP_BOY_ 15 points 1 week ago (1 children)

I was honestly giving your husband the benefit of the doubt until the paragraph about him calling your mother.

I want her to come because i didn’t eat from last night at least somebody will cook for me.

Holy hell, the entitlement is unreal. It put a lot of the stuff above that quote that I was letting slide in a different light.

I take it from your English that your not from America? If not, I'm not sure my cultural background will let me give much relevant advice but in my opinion, your husband sounds like an asshole and he's wrong for making you think that you should be a house servant just because he's employed.

Where to take it from here? I don't know. Here, though, that kind of attitude towards one's spouse is seen as completely regressive and would need immediate addressing.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 week ago

Yes English is not my first language, I couldn't agree more. thank you so much for your answer.