Asklemmy

My dad died a couple of weeks ago. I hadn't met him for years because of my disability, I'm not sure what the correct translation is for it but "action paralysis" is a direct translation. My anxiety completely shuts me down, both physically and mentally, I've been on long-term sick leave for 15 years due to it (along with general anxiety, depression etc.) My family has been alright in helping me, mostly my mother but she always takes the easy route to just sending me some money or leaving some cooked food, washing my clothes, cleaning my apartment for me etc. Instead of actually helping me get better. Whenever I get on my feet a bit and I manage to get doctor appointments, psychologist, etc. she kinda stops helping, so it always ends with me missing those and going back to square one of needing to contact them, get appointments again etc. It feels like she doesn't actually want me to get better. Ever since this paralysis latched on to being able to meet my father, I've begged and pleaded to both my mom and the rest of my family to help to get in contact with him and meet him, because it was clear he wouldn't love for much longer. They tried like two times then just ignored it. I continued to ask for help, and made it clear I really need that help. I said clearly several times that it's the most important thing in my life now, I told them that they could stop helping with everything else and just help me get to him, but it's like they just didn't hear it. I told them it would break me completely if he died before we could meet. And that's what happened, he died, and I just told them I could never forgive them for this. And since then it's been radio silence. Not even a merry Christmas text or anything. I've lost contact with all my friends because of this disability too so I'm completely alone now. It's a bit over 3 hours till the new year and I'm just sitting home, alone, with barely any food and no clean clothes and a super dirty apartment and I don't know what to do. I'm just broken, I've never been sad in this way before and I don't know how to even start to get better from this.