I'm starting to think that my life is over and I don't want to live anymore. As of writing this I am a 23 year old woman with no qualifications or education. I have learning disabilities and my IQ is just 76. I struggle with things like talking, maths and spelling and I can't find a job.
When I was a kid I knew I was different. Things that were easy for the other kids to do took me ages to learn. Kids used to make fun of me because of the way I talked and in general I could fit in. As I got older my learning disabilities become more noticeable. I was diagnosed with ADHD and low intelligence and therefore struggled academically but my dad refused to put me in a special education program because he thought it would be an embarrassment. School was very hard for me. I would work my ass off just to get C's and B's and my father was very abusive. He would expect me to do well in school and if I didn't he would beat and punish me. I had to repeat the 7th and 9th grade but I eventually graduated but very poor grades and no qualifications. When I was around 15-18 started to do drugs like weed and alcohol just to cope.
I left my parents house when I was 19 and went to live with a friend. I have very little money as I'm addicted to drugs and my lack of education makes getting a job practically impossible. I don't see my life going anywhere and when I'm not on drugs I'm miserable. My brothers and sisters have done so much better then me and it makes me so jealous, angry and ashamed. I know this may sound cringe but I honestly can't do this anymore.
EDIT: I now have a job at Burger King as a cook. It's not glamorous but it's some money.
I think part of your problem is you're comparing yourself to others that are different to you. It's like thinking you're lesser because you're not a tall basketball player, when you're not meant to be a basketball player. IMO if you can hold a steady job to pay yhe bills that's probably the first thing. Then a good way to get off the drugs is to focus on exercise and eating healthy. If you can keep that up for a year theoretically you should feel a lot better about yourself. Maybe get into reading books as well. Even the most trashy of books.
How can I control my own thoughts? I can't choose what I think. The truth is that my brothers and sisters are just more accomplished then me. There all in university or graduated. They've all got there $hit together. Why me? Why can't I be like that? I hate to think what they think of me. Don't get me wrong I love my brothers and sisters but I don't like talking or seeing them because it fills me with such shame. They all look down on me and makes me so mad and sad at the same time. I just don't understand why I didn't turn out like them.
I'm not good at reading books. I've tried in the past but I can't. They always take forever to read. The words go everywhere and they get so boring.
Sounds like you might have ADHD. Anyway, don't give up. I found mindfulness practice 15 mins a day helped me a lot.