this post was submitted on 06 Nov 2024
552 points (96.9% liked)
Comic Strips
12757 readers
3999 users here now
Comic Strips is a community for those who love comic stories.
The rules are simple:
- The post can be a single image, an image gallery, or a link to a specific comic hosted on another site (the author's website, for instance).
- The comic must be a complete story.
- If it is an external link, it must be to a specific story, not to the root of the site.
- You may post comics from others or your own.
- If you are posting a comic of your own, a maximum of one per week is allowed (I know, your comics are great, but this rule helps avoid spam).
- The comic can be in any language, but if it's not in English, OP must include an English translation in the post's 'body' field (note: you don't need to select a specific language when posting a comic).
- Politeness.
- Adult content is not allowed. This community aims to be fun for people of all ages.
Web of links
- [email protected]: "I use Arch btw"
- [email protected]: memes (you don't say!)
founded 1 year ago
MODERATORS
you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
view the rest of the comments
So you're saying I should make friends with people who also intensely dislike people?
I would challenge that's not your authentic self. That's learned behavior.
If you have been constantly othered or made to feel out of place you will grow resentment towards certain people, and eventually people as a whole.
When everyone is authentic and kind, community happens. Consider people who LARP.. they likely would get mocked alone if a single one went to the mall, but in a community with shared expectations and values they have a lot of fun!
Learning one's authentic self is a journey. Learning boundaries (which allow you to stick to that authentic self) is also a journey. But I do recommend.
I was just making a joke, but you're right- it's a learned coping mechanism from iteration after iteration of excruciating relationships.
I find most people are deeply selfish and lacking in awareness, and generally unobservant to the physical and metaphorical world around us. Eventually, it's simply easier to withdraw and try to be content with online human interaction, and real life experiences with my family and my dog. Community comes with too many strings and demands that I present as someone not myself- at least in all such attempts to-date. When I was younger and it felt more necessary to participate, I dulled society with booze and weed. Now I prefer to see clearly, though perhaps still missing the clarity that others innately possess, in social scenarios.
So sort of my point is that community only feels like work when you're in the wrong community. An ant doesn't wake up and so "shit I need to act like an ant today". It just does ant stuff.
When you're in the right crowd, it won't feel like work.
Step 1 is figuring out who you are. A lot of people don't even begin to get there until they're 30yo or more--our world simply does not foster being yourself. Many others learn either much later or sadly sometimes never. Psychologically speaking, "target fixation" is a functional concept. Simply wanting something will attract you to it. Spending a lot of time dreaming of something will draw you to it. Be careful though, the same effect can happen with being jaded as well. You can of course spend your time thinking about who you are or that other people suck. I recommend the former, of course.
Step 2 is actually wild. Once you get closer and closer to being authentic and let go of the resentment, people will attract to you. Humans have an uncanny ability to sniff out fakeness, and they will avoid or ostracize you for it. When you're in tune with yourself, it's actually super attractive. A good example of weird being charismatic is Jack Black or Aubrey Plaza. They are not afraid to be different and people love them for it. But different isn't the magic sauce, it's being real.
Step 3 is now that you know who you are and people are coming to you, is to remember your boundaries. Maybe you don't like going to the mall. So say no. You may get anxiety doing this in the beginning but it gets easier. If your friends only to be friends because you would give them a ride to the mall, they're not your real friends. This is a nice tool to keep being certain that the people around you like you for you, not for your utility (maybe you give transportation, they emotional dump on you, maybe you always buy, etc).
Hope this helps. I'm no professional but I will do my best. I love this shit so much--it changed my life and if it can help even one person I'm all about it. I wish someone told me 20 years before I knew!
P.s. I replied to the other person that replied with a comment you may find useful as well.
You seem like a good person and I wish Lemmy had a way to follow people. Need more positivity in the feed. Keep it up, friend.
Thanks for the kind words, I'm trying my best! Remember just saying something kind about something you like is also a rare art, and I hope you keep that up!
BTW, you can "follow" people on lemmy by shooting a message (even if it's just says "Follow" in the message) and then just visit your sent messages and look for the ones that say "Follow" and click the user you sent them to. Not perfect but it's something.
If not, I'm sure I'll see you around. Cheers!
how to even start
Compulsory disclaimer before I begin. I am not a mental health professional but I'm autistic and it's my special interest. I have read dozens of psychology books, watched interviews, and have thousands of hours of research into this stuff. I love it and it's changed my life. HOWEVER.. that doesn't mean I'm a pro, and these are topics that require a pro past a certain surface level. If that's on the table, I can't recommend it enough. If you get a therapist and don't click with them in the first hour or so, I recommend moving on to another one. It's super common in that world and not seen as offensive. If you cannot or are not ready, I don't mind chatting with you a bit and I'll tell you the beginning.
So you can answer a couple questions for this. Don't feel obligated to share your answers with me, but you're welcome to if you feel like you want to.
Question 1: Do you know you're masking?
Yes: If you do, that is voluntary masking and you can "catch" it and try to correct. Practice makes perfect. A good example of this would be if the Boss is in town and you decide to dress a little nicer and use the big business words when you talk to them. It's a deliberate act and it can have a purpose.
No: If you feel drained after dealing with people and you know you're not really "one of them" even though on the surface level that would be hard to prove, that would be subconscious masking. There are many kinds but the most common category would be trauma-based. A trauma mask can be visualized like this (this is fiction, domestic abuse trigger warning): [a wife comes home to her husband already drunk and about to get physical with the kids. She's calm in the moment, handles the husband and pacifies him. Gets him in the recliner, gets him fed and with his remote and another beer (against her wishes), and he eventually passes out in the chair. Everyone is safe. That night when all the kids are in bed, she breaks down shaking from the stress of the whole ordeal.] << That would be a description of a trauma mask. Trauma masks kick in automatically and you may not even know it's happening in the moment but afterwards you have anxiety, feel sick, or just plain exhausted.
Question 2: Are you autistic (also sometimes wrongly called Asperger’s Syndrome)?
No: Disregard. Just for giggles, read the "yes" as well. Autism is massively under-diagnosed.
Yes: So if you're autistic (I very briefly looked through your posts. You seem to program and have a strong sense of justice... I'm just saying I would look into it.) If you want to know more let me know, I can show you some tests that can get you a pretty good idea. Anyway, if you're autistic, the whole thing about trauma masking could apply to your entire existence and you may not even know it. It sounds insane but it's true and a super common shared experience among especially late-diagnosed autistics, like if you're an adult and don't know you're autistic yet.
Conclusion:
If you answered "yes/no" or "yes/yes", you have already begun your progress by being curious! Don't forget you can have voluntary and subconscious masking at the same time so as you figure out your voluntary stuff, some subconscious stuff may still be there.
If you answered "no/no" or "no/yes" I would recommend a book by Devon Price, PhD called Unmasking Autism. Even if you're not autistic or in some other way neurodivergent the tools to find one's authentic self are the same (both are trauma masks, remember?). The book can be a little heavy but it's well worth it. It has a unique way to call out stuff that we'd never even think to complain about but is super valid.
I know this was a long ass reply. I'm happy to write more. If you have questions or want those autism questionnaires, just let me know. I'm not affiliate or anything, and they're free and anonymous as far as I'm aware.
do get me those questionnaries. i suspect adhd but afaik they do masking too?
also id probably trust an autistic special interest over most professionals here these days tbh.
Hey there, sorry this took so long to answer. I usually only have time to get on and type real answers at night.
A good way to find out is a combination of a couple tests. The RAADS-R is the most accurate known autism test. It is known to be over 80% accurate by itself. Here is a free one that doesn’t require registration: https://embrace-autism.com/raads-r/
I would combine that with this one, especially if you're high-masking (this would feel like doubting you're autistic too, but the doubt itself is not a diagnostic criteria): the CAT-Q is a good test to identify camouflaged autistic traits that you’ve learned to hide. This one is also free from the same place: https://embrace-autism.com/cat-q/
BTW/FWIW if you’re 18+ there is less reason to get formally diagnosed. University of Washington did a study some time ago which found self diagnosis is rarely wrong. The paper states, "We believe that if you have carefully researched the topic and strongly resonate with the experience of the autistic community, you are probably autistic." Link to that PDF here: https://depts.washington.edu/uwautism/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/Self-Diagnosed-Adult-Autism-Resources-handout-9-22-22.pdf
As always, feel free to ask if you have questions even if it's not autism stuff. No promises but I'll try my best. :) It’s a big world to navigate if you're new to it.
i usually score barely autistic if at all in these tests and these werent different.
Sorry for the long replies. I'm interested in trying to help if you are too. But I'm not trying to over extend here either. Let me know if you want to stop. I know it probably doesn't seem like it but I'm putting probably 20 min in on each of these just trying to cut them down to a "normal" size.. I could literally write a book on this!
A couple things: Idk what your scores are but basically the higher you get on the CAT-Q (2nd test) the higher the score should be on the RAADS-R (1st test). IIRC, the highest score ever formally recorded by someone allistic (not autistic) on the RAADS-R was 64. The other thing is, a lot of people don't know how either that what they're doing is "different" from allistic people, or they don't know they're doing it. For example, I wondered I was autistic for years and did test probably 5-6 times before I met someone autistic that was just like me and it all "clicked". For this reason I would recommend doing the test with someone that was around you when you were very young if you can. I will also give some examples below of some of those things that don't stand out right away if that's not possible.
That said, we have a couple possibilities.
You simply may not be autistic. There are conditions that could look similar to autism enough to make you wonder if you are or "show up" on the test but maybe not be very high on it. cPTSD is a common one if you lived in a long-term environment when you were not physically or emotionally safe. This is a strong possibility because given that you have ADHD, there's an extremely high chance you either grew up poor or had some sort of scarcity issues (one or more of love, food, shelter, etc)--this is believed to be the leading cause of ADHD. Remember that an estimated 80% of autistic people have ADHD, but that can be from the fact that life is pretty shit when you're autistic and don't know it! Less likely but possible could also be OCD or even dyslexia, both of which are SO MUCH bigger than people think.
(This one happened to me, so I'll bring it up): You may have learned the "right" answers to these so long ago you think it's the real you's opinions. Here's a couple of late diagnosed things a lot of us go through:
yes! i had some ocd symptoms as a kid that are barely perceviable now. i scored in the 50s in the test.
i'm trying to figure this out because i relate to the experience, but i also understand there are common symptoms shared by these conditions, and they are sometimes comorbid. i feel closer to adhd but who knows.
I hate eye contact, and yes authenticity ranks pretty high up to me.i crave deeper relationships beyond the stupid thank you and good morning pleasantries.
my special interests come and go. i have bouts when i have no interest and it will feel like life is empty, only for me to suddently find something im obssessed with and it will be the only thing i want to do for a long while. it does bother me when i'm confronted with doing it "wrong".
i feel like i cant look through people that easily unless they are hiding behind common courtesy and norms? i dunno if i made myself clear on this one.
oh and i have no sensory issues although i'm more practical in the sense of prioritizing comfort over looks? like i notice utensils but it doesnt bother me.
i appreciate the writeup, even if it isnt helping me make sense of it that much.
is there stuff that can be done if i turn out to be autistic? there is no cure afaik right?
First off, so sorry I missed your message.. no idea what happened. I was like "I wonder what happened to that person on lemmy" and came looking and your reply was marked as "seen". The good news is, I have read up on OCD and dyslexia in case one of them resonated with you, so I'm feeling fresh lol.
Secondly, what sorts of OCD behaviors did you do as a child? That seems to be the next path to explore.
Thirdly, when I say "look through people", here's an example: my boss will come up with the intention to have me hop on a project. I will often know he wants this just based on how he opens the conversation (occasionally not). Then, I will know exactly what he expects and he will think about it and be like "oh we should do this" when I knew full well he was going to say this (this is more frequent). I don't know if this is more clear but hopefully that's clearer. I don't mean social cues, which seems to be more like what you're describing. I'm autistic, so I'm bad at them. If they're properly described, I can do them fine but they're typically not intuitive.
Forth, I match nearly all your answers for what it's worth. Do with that what you will. I'm specifically AuDHD (pronounced ow-D-H-D, which means ADHD and Autistic too, so that could be some reasons like switching special interests. Also for psychology, my longest special interest, I did not discover I liked it until I was in my late 20s. Before that I would switch. I still switch on others (cars, computers, gaming, LEGO and some others) and have moved on from others (Barney as a kid, art, BMX) but for some reason psychology "stuck". Maybe it's getting older, idk.
Fifth, I have a couple more questions I thought of after.
Lastly, to answer your question, autism is a neurological condition that is decided genetically from conception. There is no cure, but you could argue that there is nothing to cure (and this is key) in the right environment. There's a good argument to be made that it's a disability when we're forced to be who we're not and the world is not build for us. And obviously, there are high support needs people that would probably always be considered disabled, but that's a LONG chat for another time. THAT SAID: There is stuff to that can be done. That is also a long chat, but if you are autistic (or whatever, this applies to other stuff too) and you don't know, then you by definition have a LOT to learn about yourself. Truth is you will probably figure it out in time (think the old man that hates change always tinkers in the shed... probably autistic AF and never knew, but he's in his zone and happy) but getting a name for things can fast track you decades and help you find people that "get it" and can turn out to be amazing friends for it. Most people in this boat find the experience transformative and hugely beneficial. I'll be honest. It's hard, but it's worth it.
Hope this helps and that you had a good week. Look forward to hearing back from you!
i did the if you dont do this tic the world is gonna explode, and the mind tics. and i liked psychology at some point but life sadly threw me off this path.
i can "look through people" if im paying attention, or if im closer to that person
by idioms do you mean languages? english is not my first language, i dont get what you mean.
i think both creativity and collaboration play a role.
yes
i can tell quite easily but i cant do it as well
i dont remember, but id say probably not.
change is good a 2/3 of the time though? but hey, strangely me.
ive been getting some well deserved rest. hope you are well too.
Hey there, so the first example does seem fairly OCD--like the real kind. A lot of people reference it wrongly so I wanted to double check.
Idioms are phrases that don't make literal sense. For example in the USA, saying that someone is "all that and a bag of chips" means they are exceptional or really cool. Or that a task was a "piece of cake" means that task was easy.
So to be frank I have dug into each nugget of what you said (I cataloged it, because of course I did lol). And you have every sign of being autistic. I made a list of highlights:
I have a friend that identifies with these symptoms. What could the root cause be, if any? - Masking in social situations
Not knowing one's self (original post about masking)
Has ADHD (you mentioned)
Hates eye contact (I asked)
Authenticity is a highly rated trait in relationships (I asked)
Does not like small talk like thank you/good morning (You mentioned)
Deep-dives interests for a long time (You mentioned): "for a long time" is important here. ASD/AuDHD typically does them for a long time. "Pure" ADHD does them usually less than a week, often to the point where they forget to eat or sleep.
No sensory issues but does prefer comfortable clothes over appearance (asked/told): I would argue that's sensory-driven (comfort is your sense of touch), but may be nothing to be fair.
Notices traits of utensils but does not bother them (asked): Even noticing them is not typical of allistic people. Could be nothing too, but this is potential sensory thing #2.
Feels different from others (asked): Super common for ADHD and ASD
OCD symptoms as a child: Common for ASD kids too. As many as 38% of ASD people have OCD as well, compared to 7% of the general population.
Seeing through people's intentions when trying (asked): Fairly common, especially of the PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidant) profile of ASD. I will write about this a bit at the bottom.
Can see flirting but does not know how to flirt (asked): Not knowing how to flirt is super common for ASD
Resonates with the example of "old man that hates change always tinkers in the shed"(you mentioned): This is something that resonates frequently with ASD people because of the predictability and being ok with solo activity.
Before I go on: The PDA profile of ASD is basically that being met with demands will trigger anxiety/fight-or-flight (demands could be anything like: questions, plans, decisions, instructions, time constraints and more). The difference is, all those are fine if you consent. Example, We have had this chat and you consented to the parts you answered. But what if your significant other needed you to run to the store while they were making dinner with no notice. Would it be a little annoying or would you total dread it/it would give you anxiety? PDA people also have higher than average social skills when they need to. Example, can you almost magically tell when someone is trying to sell you something or wants something from you? You may be PDA. PDA is huge and has literal books on it, but I credit it with the reason I often considered being autistic (sounds like you considered this before, yes?), but when I would look into it I "wasn't".
Ok all that said: if it's not ASD or some alternate profile (what used to be called Asperger's Syndrome, or the PDA profile), I am totally stumped. You show so many markers it's wild. I have no idea how you scored so low on the test. The test is only 80% accurate, so 1 in 5 can't be diagnosed by it so maybe that's why. But you have had OCD symptoms as a kid (OCD has 38% comorbidity with ASD) and currently identify as ADHD (up to 80% comorbidity with ASD). Not liking change and being ADHD simply don't fit together as well. And you survived all these long ass write-ups haha, but that could be the novelty-seeking to be fair! I'm not trying to tell you what you are but IMHO you 110% are autistic and other stuff is helping to hide it. Side note, if me telling you I think you're autistic is repulsive (this includes earlier in the conversation, like when you said the tests were no different than past tests), PLEASE look into the PDA profile. That is exactly how it would feel. I had a buddy I knew was autistic and it took me 4 months of patience to get him to believe me.
I would love to hear your thoughts.
P.s. I'm glad you've caught up on some rest. Diagnosis aside, rest is healthy for everyone and self care is so so important!
i get those, but i cannot tell if its because im already acquainted with them or if its because i understand them innately? idioms in my native language sound much more intuitive to me (and honestly much cooler) now that i think of it.
well id be annoyed, like i usually am, but not the end of the world. ill take a small break to get some fresh air.
ok maybe, but i cant do it for 15 minutes before getting exhausted. social interaction IS mostly intuitive for me (after some introspection), but thats only if im engaged enough to be able to pay attention to other people without that being a drag for me. i kind of dont want to bother with normies because they wont ever reciprocate that effort, but at the same time i like some of them and do because loneliness is also exhausting.
to be clear, i do like change most of the time. i have some routines and things i want to keep stable that help me stay calm and functional, but i actively seek shakeups in my life when im on a slump and get frustrated if i cant get it. i'm currently feeling like this for a long while now. i kind of want to throw it all away and do completely different things from scratch.
i think most of these things are also done by allistics? i feel that i cant relate to autism even if many signs point in that direction and i am constantly asking myself if this is truly the answer. its confusing if a little frustrating.
but at any rate i'm here to understand things, and you seem both knowledgeable and willing to share it. my only real resistance to autism is the fact its a game over kind of thing where there is no real solution. how can i effectively learn to act normal consistently if my brain isnt made for it? how do i unlearn it when i want to relax from pretending to be normal? "just being myself 🌼" is stupid and impractical on a capitalistic society that wants me to conform to standards that are impossible to me so i can be exploited? how can i even find peace?
are there fixes i can try immediatly to try and see if it fits with PDA and if it helps?