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What is the most unhelpful advice you have received? (self.asklemmy)

submitted 1 year ago by axolittl to c/[email protected]

253 comments fedilink hide all child comments

I'll go first: "You have to have children when you're young," told to me when I was in my late 20s, with no desire to ever have kids, and no means to support them, by someone divorced multiple times with at least one adult child who does not speak to them.

Also: Responding to "How do I deal with this problem?" questions with "Oh, don't worry about it, it's enough that you're even thinking about it!"

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[–] axolittl 11 points 1 year ago (1 children)

That's fascinating. Do you have suggestions for any resources that talk about how to do this in a healthy way?

[–] [email protected] 11 points 1 year ago (1 children)

There's heaps of psychology research into therapeutic approaches and all that stuff out there if you're willing to essentially do a degree on the topic, but personally I like to keep things as simple as possible so anyone can start applying it straight away.

I usually start with the picture story book The Huge Bag of Worries by Virginia Ironside (there's a read along of it on youtube) to frame the conversation. It helps to set up the idea that the "worries" are real and are having an effect on the individual. Also that many people struggle to know how to deal with them and end up giving bad advice, often because they are carrying their own bag of worries. I also at this point remind them that we are unlikely to get rid off all the problems, eg I can't cure your depression or rebuild your brain to make it neuro-typical, but we can make it so they are the only things in your bag making it a lot easier to carry.

Then I'll talk about a Catastrophe Scale. This is where we take a worry and rank it on a scale out of 10 of how bad is it really. 1 is a minor problem that will go away on it's own, and 10 is an extreme issue that will have a permanent impact on your life. Like in the book, many problems stop being an issue once you realize they are only a 1 or 2 on the scale. This is the "just get over it" point. Other's need some attention but can easily be solved or passed on to someone else in your support network to handle, but once you've spent that small amount of energy, it's gone. This is the where we see the value of another piece of despised advice, "stop worrying and just do it" or "have you tried going for a walk outside today". Once again, often spouted advice by people who think of it as the only thing needed without understanding how it fits into a complete treatment plan.

Finally that just leaves the real problems, the ones that are less easy to deal with. But without having to carry the weight of the whole bag of worries, we now have a capacity to take those worries to therapy or a doctor to medicate etc, and just generally do the more difficult and complex work that's needed.

[–] axolittl 3 points 1 year ago

Thanks!