The love of my life died when she was 38. Our four children were 15, 13, 11 and 9 at the time. They're currently 22, 24, 26, 28. I did my best that I knew how to do. I know it is not what they deserved. I could never take her place.
I do not think that I can impart, with words, how hard it was keeping her from the things that would harm her most. Aa time goes on, the trauma hits me harder, as I let it in, little by little.
I love my late wife. I love the mother of my children. Keeping her from hurting herself was... Difficult.
The wracking sobs as I called 911, while performing CPR on her. It's been almost 15 years and it's still traumatizing.
Her mother blames me for her death. To be honest. She might be right. I didn't keep her baby safe. I could have tried harder. I could have insisted on her being committed. I could have abrogated her right to self determination. But I didn't. And that's on me.
But I can't tell her mother that. Or her sons or daughter.
Instead. I tell you. Thanks for listening.
You cannot hold yourself responsible for what your late wife did.
A friend of mine committed suicide a few years ago, and the night he did it, I was supposed to play a game with him on steam, the same game we played each week.
But I had a young baby at that time that didn't sleep well, so that night, I told him I couldn't play this week because I was really tired and we would play next week.
I wondered if that would've happen if I played with him that night. Sometimes, its all it takes to change the course, just as it takes only one moment of weakness to take your life.
But I cannot hold myself accountable for something that he did.
From your account, you've tried your best. But in the end, your wife did the act, not you.
You've done your best, and that didn't change the outcome. No one has the right to tell you its your fault.
Her mother lost her baby that day, but four children lost their mother, you lost the love of your life, and your family was forever changed.
It's easy to dwell on what wasn't done at that moment, but we easily forget all the efforts we've put until that day and after.
This is a terrible situation and I hope that you can find the support you need to help you get through this. Best of luck.
Thank you. What you just said was the support I needed.
I just want you to know how full of grace this post is. Thank you for sharing it