this post was submitted on 04 Sep 2024
6 points (80.0% liked)

Relationship Advice

2550 readers
11 users here now

Welcome to the Relationship Advice community on Lemmy and Kbin!

The ideal place to ask for help with your relationships: romantic, friendships, we don't know what we are yet, co-workers or just human interactions in general.

Please make sure you read our rules before posting.

Rules:

Rules can be clicked on to be expanded.

1: Treat all users with respect. [!]

The goal of this community is helping OP and readers, not making fun of them. We are an inclusive community, any sort of disrespect towards ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, etc, will not be tolerated.

2: Mark sexual content as NSFW. [!]

Posts containing mentions or descriptions of sexual topics must be tagged as NSFW. This includes descriptions of sexual acts, requests for advice in the bedroom, explicit descriptions of your body and similar content.

3: All posts must be a request for advice.

All posts must be phrased as a request for advice or as a question. Sharing of stories, personal anecdotes, or past mistakes are only allowed if they're followed by a clear and relevant request for advice with the situation.

4: Provide sufficient and relevant information.

Your title and body need to contain enough information relevant to your situation, such as ages, genders, and the relationship between people mentioned. For privacy-related concerns, we recommend using fake names and broad general locations.

5: Comments must be on topic and relevant to OP.

Comments must be directly related to helping OP, asking for more information, providing relevant resources or otherwise relevant to the thread. Off-topic comments and remarks, suspicious attempts at gathering personal data from OP or other readers, or bullying will not be tolerated.

6: This is a community for requesting advice, not moral judgement.

Moral judgements, "AITA?" and other similar questions are better served by different communities.

Reddit reposts are allowed.

As a temporary measure and the result of a poll, Reddit reposts are allowed following an expanded set of rules: https://lemmy.world/post/317115

How are rules enforced and bans applied?

For the most part, this community operates under the assumption that users are acting in good faith and should be given second-chances for their mistakes. Posts and comments with very light rule violations, or otherwise undesired but mostly harmless content, can be removed by a moderator on a case by case basis without any further punitive actions.

For violations of our rules, we follow a “3 strike” system as follows:

  • 1st violation: 72 hours ban + moderator warning via PMs.

  • 2nd violation: 1 week ~ 1 month ban + final warning via PMs.

  • 3rd violation: 1 month ~ permanent ban.

The goal of this system is making sure users are made aware of their behavior before being permanently banned, but also protecting the community from any rule violations.

Exceptions:

While the “3 strike” system will be applied to the majority of situations, rules marked with a [!] in the sidebar signifies a rule that, if violated in an intentional, malicious or significant way, can warrant an immediate permanent ban regardless of the number of previous violations. This includes severe disrespect to users or groups, dangerous content, and similar.

Related communities:

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
kadu
6
repost because I was out of it - suspicious of potential cheating (discuss.online)
submitted 3 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) by [email protected] to c/relationship_advice
4 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

Editing after time to think everything through. No idea where it came from. Prolly never will know. Works well for my Xbox and TV though, less bending over when I switch rooms etc.

I've decided some things just can't be explained and trust wouldn't be worth anything if it was easy all the time. Thanks for everyone who took the time to respond to this and the other messed up posts - even the one guy who is apparently my secret psychologist and knows me better than I know myself!

Enjoy, mates!

Original

Reposting this because I was out of it this morning thanks to a muscle relaxant doc gave me that I took last night - clearly was still out of it when I typed it out originally. Thanks to those who originally commented. So the general situation is this:

  • she cheated years ago at valentines day party, was bad alcoholic at time and made out with some dude. Had to find out on my own through chance pretty much, trickle thruthd me after that.

  • has not since, that I know of, and genuinely seems to care about relationship. Also never drinks anymore at all.

  • still have somewhat toxic behaviors we are both working on. We lived together for 2 years but recently moved out and back into respective parents houses due to ongoing foot injury, with me not being able to work and thus we couldn't afford bills

  • decided to stay together and spend every other weekend at hotel for alone time, see each other about 4-5x per week and sex 1-2 times.

  • Used her car to move last of my stuff to my parents, and I never bought it at the old house.. she says she may hAve but can't find receipt and isn't the type to buy something like this regardless.

  • Yesterday found a 50-80bdollar surge strip protector in her car in box, no sticker with address, and we both asked our families - no one knew where it was from.

Am I wrong to assume she may have had someone else in there and he left it in there on accident?

If I am missing details anyone feel free to ask.

Basically what I'm struggling with here is where the hell this thing could have come from since it wasn't in her car a couple weeks ago and no one seems to know where it came from including her

you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
[–] [email protected] 13 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I'm just going to copy my response from your other thread since this is the exact same post, just with some cleaning for legibility.

It sounds like you're deeply suspicious(and possibly under the influence if I'm honest) and your partner and you have deeper issues at play. Being cheated on has a tendency to do that, although it sounds like she's put forth the effort to show she's dedicated.

If you have trust and communication issues you need to either pursue counseling, ideally individually and together, or openly and candidly determine if the relationship is still something that works for the both of you. Noone on the internet is going to be able to accurately speculate or give you the answers you seek.

On a personal note, it sounds like you're having a tough time with life in general at the moment and I wish you the best. Take care of yourself first and don't let your emotions cloud your judgement.

Since you keep pressing this issue, I'm just going to be up front and honest with you. This doesn't sound like she's cheating in any way, but the reality is that if you keep looking for an excuse to say she is for the rest of your life then you're always going to find one.

It might be time to take a hard look in the mirror to determine if her past transgression are something that you're capable of moving past because at the end of the day that's what this is truly about. I've been cheated on in a similar fashion and yes it will always hurt on some level, but if you can't grow, forgive, and move past it together then you have no hope for a future anyway and your distrust will permeate the entire relationship.

-Signed someone who is still happily in a relationship with someone 14 years later.

[–] [email protected] -1 points 3 months ago (1 children)

I agree with you on every level. And I promise, I have moved past it the best I can. It hurts to think about, obviously, when I do think about it. Of course. But I have forgiven her for what she did. She earned it.

However I am by nature a realist. I know this is just a power strip. I mean come on, right?

But perhaps if you understood where I'm coming from in regards to the fact that there is literally zero logical explanation for it being in her car when it wasn't 2 days previously.

That's what's giving me the hard time.

Over the years since her past transgressions, I've had many situations arise where doubt entered the equation and I was forced to look long and hard at both the facts and myself. I moved past/worked through each and every in such scenario.

But after racking my brains, I cannot for the life of me figure out how this could have made it into her vehicle from one day to the next.

I don't know what anyone on the internet can tell me.

Rather, I do know: nothing.

I don't know what I hoped to gain from any comments that might arise. I just needed to vent perhaps.

Thank you, for both your comments and your perspective. Have a good one!

[–] [email protected] 4 points 3 months ago (1 children)

You say that you've forgiven her, and that's fine, but it still sounds like you don't trust her in the slightest. Relationships are built on a foundation of trust and frankly I don't think you see how severe of an issue your distrust is at its core. You cannot have a functional and true relationship with a human being without trust.

There are an infinite number of possibilities for why this power strip you're harping on was there, yet you immediately go straight to cheating. Humans are fallible and memory is fickle and unreliable.

You're here because you want someone to tell you she's cheating. You've made three separate posts and nobody has given you the answer you so desperately want to hear. This behavior is not venting, this is looking for an excuse.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 3 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

You're 100% wrong here man, sorry to tell you.

I'm here if for any reason other than venting because I want to hear a reason I haven't considered that indicates she's NOT doing what I thought.

Cheating is actually the last place I went to. We called everyone who conceivably could have left it there to try and see who was missing a nice brand new surge protector.

But I'm glad you have my entire psychological being figured out down to the core based on one post lol. Also I didn't make 3 separate posts, I made the first one zonked from a muscle relaxant, edited it once, then just deleted and reposted because I made so many mistakes on the first one.

Sorry man but you're projecting your own previous experience here or something, IDK.

Even though I didn't find the logical explanation I was looking for, I still decided to accept that some things just cannot be explained and moved on.

Great guesswork though!