Hey all, I hope this post is okay
I'm currently going through a very high anxiety moment and have been having panic attacks all weekend. I'm still in one.
I've got a doctor appointment scheduled for next week, but I need some encouragement and advice to calm things down right now.
I have avoidant anxiety. When I was a student and I started having panic attacks for the first time. I couldn't force myself out of the house and stopped showing up at work and got myself fired and failed out of my classes. It took me years to recover.
I found a therapist privately back then and did CBT and it helped make things manageable enough that for years things were okay. She's no longer working, and I specifically avoided drugs then but I think that was a mistake.
I've been working for over a decade and have been carefully managing my anxiety with only a couple incidents. I worked in small companies, then did independent contracting, but now I've been in corporate jobs since COVID.
The last couple years I've been really struggling with my anxiety. As soon as everyone started doing mass layoffs and tightening the belt I've been struggling hard. The last few months it's gotten exponentially wise, and it's beyond my ability to manage.
I can't focus anymore, sitting at my desk gives me a panic attack every day, then I fail to meet my deadlines, so I stay up all night pushing myself, which boosts my anxiety.
I feel like I'm on a treadmill running full speed, but I'm tired, I can't breath anymore, I have that feeling if I run anymore my legs will collapse. But I'm on a treadmill, if I fall I get wrangled and crushed, even though I know I can't keep running.
Man I just need someone to say they know how I feel, that I'm not alone, and to help me push the next week until my appointment.
Edit: thank you everyone, you all helped me through that moment and I'm feeling clearer right now. You said some things that were what I needed to hear, with concrete advice, and I can't express how much I appreciate that.
It's going to be a rough week and I have a lot to think about
You are not alone.
It seems to me that you are having a very reasonable reaction to a difficult situation. If I was in your position, I would also feel extreme anxiety. I know nothing about you, but, from what you have shared, I would like to commend you for your anxiety. It is evidently clear from what you write that you take your responsibilities to your employer and your family very seriously. A nonchalant attitude in the face of a life-changing event like the one you are facing would belie a lack of concern for the people closest to you, who depend on you and whom you care for.
These appear to be serious matters and you are taking them seriously, even to the extent that it causes you some extreme discomfort. This is a commendable commitment to duty and to the welfare of others.
Suppose there were a magic button that could make the anxiety disappear, however it would also cause the motivation for that anxiety - say, love, duty, commitment to excellence - it would make these also disappear. You would no longer be bothered by your precarious position, but you would also become someone unconcerned with their own wellbeing and the wellbeing of those around them.
If you had such a button, would you push it?
I don't know, that button is what I thought the medication was for a long time, and honestly I'm ready to press it.
I've tried not pushing the button, but I can't keep living this way, I need to try something different before I fall apart and lose everything all over again.
If there were a magic button that made me not care at all, I would not press it, that's not how I want to live life. But if there were medications that just mute these feelings, yes I would try.
I will say thank you, I do care deeply, and I value the people in my life, and I value being good at what I do and being accountable.
I'd like to say that your choice is praiseworthy. Despite your difficult circumstances, you would rather experience this very painful condition than disregard the people in your life that matter to you.
What if you could have the best of both worlds? What if you could experience the anxiety that has helped you be aware of dangers in an uncertain environment, but not experience such a high level of anxiety that it interferes with your work and sleep?
If so, try figuring out where that more desireable level of anxiety is. This would be two questions: first, on a scale of 1 - 10, where would you rate your current anxiety? (I think we know the answer to that one) second, what do you think would be the appropriate amount of anxiety for someone in your situation?
If you can answer those, perhaps there can be a way to reduce your anxiety without losing the good things about yourself that the anxiety denotes.
I’d say I’m at like 8.5/10
I’m not immenently dying or at risk of physical harm. But I am hunched over a bucket trying not to puke, heart racing, gut in a knot like it’s going to burst, and needing conscious breathing.
In my situation objectively I should be at like a 4. So that’s not great.
You're right, being at an 8.5 in anxiety when you think a 4 would be appropriate does not seem great to me. However, knowing this may make for a better target than no anxiety, particularly given the circumstances.
If you are open to it, you might consider the Feeling Good App. Although I have not personally used it, a close and trusted friend was involved with the development of the app. Also, the methods used have been very helpful to me and have also allowed me to help others.
If you try it and like it, perhaps you can let me know. I know that my friend would enjoy knowing that he was part of something that helped someone.