Autism

Yo, you're a really cool person. Sorry it didn't work out with your wife. Idk what led to what, but I am thankful every damn day that my partner and I have pretty-identical disorders. Because I've been with a lot of people, but I don't think any of them ever quite got me like she does. Or vice versa, I think there's a lot of stuff we do left of center that neither of us give a hoot about but would be considered "weird" or "annoying" in other situations. I mean, I got alright. But it really does feel different to be understood and not just accepted I guess...is what I mean =P!

I used to call myself nature's birth-control. Because while all the little girls around my age growing up were naming their children and planning their marriages (like at six, legitimately) I was sitting around with the boys and drawing obsessively. I love my pets like they're kids, but I also understand they're still pets at the end of the day (I say this because I think a lot of people are more prone to the plight of animals than people - and I know it sounds anthropocentric but people will spend tons on carting animals around the states for adoption but won't bat an eye that there's tons of humans starving all over the world. Don't dig factory farming though!) << aside!! But I don't believe I have ever had the urge to have children in my life. And I am rounding the end of my ovulation-cycle (I guess it's called? Idk. I am just pulling that out my ass) so I don't think it's gunna hit but who knows? Either way, I think a lot of women (like my mother) followed traditionalist logic. But I don't think she ever was particularly driven to have children (I think the autism comes from her tbh), nor was particularly enthralled after having them. I mean, I was okay, but I think my other sibling pushed her over the edge to be honest. She for sure changed after they were born, but equally as I became less of what she expected and more of who I actually am she clearly felt a strong distaste for my being =P!

We're okay now, but I think because we've reached a mutual space of love and respect. But for sure, I am still convinced my mother never wanted to be a parent. And for sure I believe this is actually more common than people want to admit. But I used to think it was a gay thing, but I've met a ton of gays who want babies. So idk, seems to be more of a personal thing.

I think it's super cool that you support women's rights though. Let alone people's rights. I was watching The Cut (I think it is? Nope it was Vice) or something like that once upon a time on Youtube. There was a guy on there who was a former Marine, who talked about how he was really angry. Just so angry all the time. But then ended up having two daughters, and in his love for them and his wife he found a way to become more empathetic and it really touched me. I know people kept making fun of people "not realizing women are humans until they had a daughter" but I think it speaks levels to how toxically men are raised. I mean it literally seemed that up until now (where it's 50/50 on what side you get) all roads led to you being "gay" and being "gay" was the worst thing you could be if you were a guy. And it stopped people from being able to enjoy the things they liked, or express themselves in ways other than being funny/angry/silent. And that's pretty fucked up.

Not saying women have it better, but that in general it's pretty crazy how we've let extremist really run our society ragged. And as a little aside, on the c-section thing, a loved one lost their sister recently due to a botched c-section. She complained in the hospital that she felt unwell, but nobody listened until it was too late. And in my own health journey (which has been incredibly tumultuous until I finally started getting heard only recently) I know the medical system tends to operate off of high-speculation (esp. with women). And lord knows it's racist as hell too =P! I just uhh, cringe when I think about it all.

Either way - cheers and you keep being you =)! Even if you and your kids don't exactly fit into one another's worlds right now. Maybe in the future at least one of your kids will find a really sweet way to connect with you and you'll end up falling in love (all over again?) and it'll be super great =)!