this post was submitted on 10 Jul 2023
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this really hit me like a punch in the stomach. I'm so limited by what I am and am not able to do, but I'm trying my fucking hardest just not to sink every day and not give up hope, but things are coming to a head now and the hope is getting smaller and smaller and however this end I don't come out unscathed, I'm already deep in PTSD land and this is pulling up so much shit from the past, and in any case there's at least one move ahead of me which in itself is a traumatic and exhausting experience even if it goes smoothly, and just liike you say, you never get the chance to deal with the trauma before more starts, and this cycle is just so fucking vicious.
I appreciate the validation, it helps to know this shit is damaging for real and I'm not just some oversensitive brat like I feel.
Yeah... my situation is not all that wonderful either. I suffer from cptsd among other health problems and it wouldn't take much of anything to hurt my circumstances even more.
Not sure about you but all I have left is my faith and I've gotten to the point to where either imma be alright and make it or imma end up in a hole somewhere. At this point in my life, I really don't care which way it goes. I only care about being at peace with myself and others that are closest to me. Everything else can kick rocks! Been through enough!
We can only be the best we can be and we can't undo what others have done in which has created obstacles in getting the help and things we actually need to sustain life.
Again, I'm really sorry you're hurting, I totally understand the frustration! Keep being who you are and try your best to be at peace with yourself because no matter the struggle and no matter our past failures, going through times like this, we just have to do our best to stay as grounded as possible.
Who knows, perhaps this thing you're going through may "Suddenly" change or devolve. Hard to say really when you're so used to getting tough unwanted results no matter how hard you try so I get it.
Be safe out in the wilderness and take care of yourself to your best ability. I'm very sorry you're struggling so badly right now.
It really fucking sucks, doesn't it.
Faith has never been a strong point of mine (I have this reflexive "cling to hope to remain alive" thing going on, but when I actively think about it I don't see wher I'm getting that from), but I do have a pet I love that gets me up in the morning, but in recent times even that relationship has been tested as my mental health declines and I have made several attempts unrelated to the housing situation, so yeah, all it would take is slight breeze to push me over the edge and I'm staring at a storm rolling in.
I really do appreciate the sympathetic ear, it's much easier to discuss these things with strangers, and especially strangers who have been through similar things. Those on the outside of the world of trauma and mental and other illness just don't understand, and the constant having to justify myself and my actions and my choices on top of everything else just takes so much more energy, but it's just part of this world where you have to prove your "worth" and suck up to those with the means for survival to get limited access to them at massive cost. The deeper I think about it the angrier I get, which for a while is a good bit of dissociation because big picture is less personal than little picture, but then shit hits the fan and there's nowhere to hide and I can't see a way out.
I hate so much that I'm right back in this place, I just want to exist in peace somewhere, not have to go through hell (and so far, back) just to.. what? have to do it again in a couple of years? It's exhausting.
We're still all very much connected with the whole grass roots thing at the end of the day. Doesn't really matter to much which side of the spectrum you're on. It's just We're not very good at acknowledging a problem a lot of times I guess but when you're dealing with delicate matters in the form of mental illness, it all seems to mean a little more by definition as people similar to you and I have to consider these things a bit more. But in any case, I don't think it's fair to say that you have more to prove as far as your worth is concerned.
I'll go far as to say that people that have a little extra to carry sometimes have bigger mental and/or spiritual muscle. It's just another way to think about it really. We have in a way been shoved off to the side often being alone to think about these things on a much deeper level. We experience pain on a whole new level and often times then not we can... IF we choose to, come to a realization that we are made a bit different and still serve a purpose. Our battles are greater in life than the average person but when we can or when we choose... we are quite useful to others based on our experiences. It feels burdensome but it is empowering at times I believe.
There's always an opportunity where we often connect better with people who are troubled and actually want to be acknowledged in certain situations where nobody else could offer anything worth-while or wholesome. To the point to where we have influence on someone who can't seem to grasp an understanding or perhaps they lost there way a little. So we all play a part somehow but it's left up to us if we can see it when everyone else had missed the mark.
It's the next morning and the numbness has mostly set in, I predict much dissociation going forward, I honestly don't know how this week is going to end, let alone what happens next, but if I stop to think about it I will fall apart, so I'm just trying to stick to my routine, which seems absurd, but I can't manage anything else.
But everything you've said is true (though I'd take an ignorant life over a hard but insightful life any day, if I was given a choice), and while right now I can barely help myself, let alone anyone else, this kind of experience does put us in a place to help others later on, just like you've helped me here. Only if we survive it though, and that's the tricky part.
It's all just so overwhelming.
So, I assume you have already looked in to a lot of local resources in your area for help?
Yanno, help for rent, utilities and even food? It's a huge gamble but you could even try reaching out to a catholic church for help. I recommend a catholic church over other denominations because they're a lot more resourceful and way less greedy/judgmental in my experience. I had to get help from a catholic church before. They bought me groceries... even had their own grocery store... I was shocked!
When I was homeless for 20+ years I really had to get creative and even think outside the box. It was of no risk to me because I realized that the "traditional" route to get help was terribly flawed and was much more of an obstacle than a temporary solution. I even received help from some little tiny Baptist church to get into a studio apartment but I probably called every church in my area and they were of no use so I ventured out to other areas. Making a phone call wouldn't hurt trying in my opinion as long as you're up for it.
I even used social media such as Facebook to find help for food and clothes and most of my help came from other states... even Canada.
It's a terrible shame that mostly everyone seems to not care but I found some big hearted people out there still and am thankful.
It's a hard life for sure and I understand your thoughts on the subject matter but ya keep fighting for your wellbeing and survival.
I know that you mentioned that faith isn't necessarily a trendy thing for you and we all have our reasons I suppose but maybe you should give it a try as ridiculous as it may seem. I'm not the average church-goer or bible thumper nor am I a great example and my faith may not be as strong as some others but I do know God listens and sometimes he'll put people in your path to help you and so on.
Asking for help shouldn't be embarrassing or admitting that you're weak... quite the opposite really if that's something you are able to understand.
I come from a broken home. My family didn't love me or care for me. I walked away at 17 and became homeless. I was terrified and severely hurt mentally. I was angry and I didn't like people at all. I no longer wanted to be apart of the human experience because it seemed pointless but I gave God a chance. It felt weird to try and reason with someone or some thing I heard about in church or from other people but it was something I needed to know was real because everything else seemed like a fabricated lie. But I found out that God was real though sometimes he seemed to not care much about my situation while other times he totally did and proved his love to me... not in a way that I tricked myself into setting up my own success but it was more of an experience in which really made me consider my creater even more thus giving way to a much stronger relationship even when things were tough.
I know it's not really fun to articulate and it seems silly to most... even to the ones connected to a church generally doesn't understand half of what they say they do but as for me, God helped me get through some of the worst times anyone could ever face alone.
Just thought I'd share that with you and I hope I haven't hurt you by sharing what I did...
You haven't hurt me at all! Thank you for sharing some of your experience, that sounds rough, but also somewhat familiar (I was kicked out at 19, and only just last night made the realisation that a secure home has never been something I could count on, which is a really crappy realisation to reach). It's also good to hear how your faith has helped you, we don't have to believe the same things for me to be able to appreciate that it provides you relief and comfort.
I also appreciate your suggestions, and yes, I have been looking all over for help, the thing is it isn't lack of money that is my issue, I get full disability benefits from the state, enough to maintain myself, I'm getting evicted because the house I rent is getting sold but I still haven't found anywhere suitable to go instead and if I don't leave by next week I will be forced out, so finding help is a bit more of an ask when it's a place to live I need, rather than food or money (and my disability makes that more complicated too because I can't just couch surf, and living in a hostel type place like I did the last times I was homeless was so traumatic, I don't know that I could handle it again). I'm also Jewish, so I'm not sure asking any church for help would do much haha. I have had tremendous help from the Jewish community in the past though, and if it was a money issue, they would have definitely helped like they have before.
I'm waiting to hear back from the person who's helping me on the legal front about what options I have left, and also from a couple of places to rent that would suit me that I saw today, but I'm wary of getting my hopes up for anything because so far I've ended up disappointed every time.
Also, you taking the time to chat with me here is a big help in itself, it might not be practical as such, but it is somewhat helping me stay focused on just today which is probably the best thing for me right now.
Well I certainly hope this whole thing works out for you. I'm very happy to learn that you may have potentially found somewhere to go. Please continue looking and especially if it's helping you a little.
I'm happy to be here for you. I take advantage of every opportunity to just be there for someone in need bc I remember mostly, not having anyone to help me get through some of the toughest times ever. I really care even though I don't know you. I can really appreciate your efforts to reach out like you have because many suffer in silence, and some have even left us here to wonder what it would be like for them today if they chose to stick around.
I've been through a lot and I truly understand the value of being weak, full of pain and suffering in a way that eventually leads you to fully know what living means. To the point you want to see other people "LIVE" too and I just want people to be alright. It matters to me... especially where I come from and everything God helped me through.
I'm really really hoping to get some good news about this place I applied for tomorrow, because the rest of the news I got today has been all bad and I'm running out of time fast before I get dragged out of here and thrown on the street. The only thing I can think is that I just can't go through all that again. I just can't. I won't.
Keep me updated if you don't mind. Looking forward for a good report my internet friend...
No good news yet. Not heard back from any of the places I've applied to but have applied for another.
There also seems to have been some fuck up on the court case front, so everything is being fast tracked, and I'm not even sure a defence was put in on my behalf by the people I trusted to take care of it, so I'm not quite sure what to do next (only real option is to hire a lawyer and try to fight it myself but I don't know that I have the spare time and resources for that, I need to focus on finding a place and moving out in time).
I did make a call to a housing charity to try and figure out how much time I actually had before a full blown eviction, which I thought might be as soon as next week, but it will be at least 2 weeks more, so the panic that started this whole thread was justified, but I do have a tiny bit longer than I thought I did, so I might still be able to claw my way out of this, but only just.
Well. It's still progress... I'm glad you're still trying to work it out for yourself. I think a lot of people would probably have given up by now. So on that front I hope you feel a little better.
For me, I had no choice but to keep cracking away at adversity no matter the result. It's not easy and mostly in my experience atleast was exhausting but nonetheless, things seemed to have worked out mostly. I'm still not anywhere close to have things in place in which I desire fully but it's a lot better than what it was before.
Hopefully you continue to find motivation and strength through all this. I'm inspired by your willingness to continue to be honest. I know it isn't easy.
I really appreciate the supportive words but I won't lie, it's a struggle every minute, but I don't want to end it all over this bullshit, but also I do know my limits and that if I'm pushed past a certain point, I just won't be able to fight anymore, and that in itself adds so much distress to an already distressing situation.
But as you say, it's almost like there is no choice but to fight, so you fight.
I just heard back about the house I applied for yesterday and I've been turned down which really sucks, and I don't want to jinx it, but the house I applied for today is a better fit, so I'm keeping everything crossed while trying not to get any hopes up in case it's another no.
Having this space to just let this all out without feeling like I'm burdening anyone has helped a lot too, so thank you for taking the time to hear me.
It's nice to have met you and thanks for allowing me the opportunity to be here for you!
So talking about not fighting anymore... a few years ago I was stuck on the streets in my home state. I lived in a dead pine forest on federal property for a little more than a year. I had a tent and a few other things I needed to go with it. In the middle of summer, I became ill so I decided that it might be better for me to be closer to people just incase something happened to me. I figured maybe someone would get me help if I needed it.
People didn't like seeing me around at all. I had constant police interaction multiple times a day and some of them were very rude! I kinda gave up because I never bothered anyone and I kept my distance from everyone as best I could. So yeah, I was constantly being harassed by shitty people. To the point I told the police that there's nothing I can do about it and if I'm so much of a problem then fix it. Told them that they could put me in jail or take me to a mental hospital but I'd eventually come back. One cop even tried to fight me but I stood up to him and his police buddy prevented a really bad accident from happening that night. I no longer gave a shit..
I took showers in the local grocery store while jamming out to gospel music. Started sleeping wherever at a shopping mall... kept telling the police that they can't continue to harass me just because some loser didn't want me around. People are horrible and especially when they are better off than you... they think it's alright to try and hurt you because you're nothing to them or society.
But guess what? The police chief came to talk to me. He brought his wife with him and also a couple deputies. They put me up in a motel and gave me a little bit of money. They also found me a place to stay for a while... was some Mexican dude with a Mexican restaurant. Was really cool they helped me and I was thankful but life happened and I decided it was time to move on and still to this day, nobody knew why I left but I couldn't work, I was too weak from not having enough food or proper shelter and still was very sick. It wasn't worth explaining the issue with anyone so I ghosted everyone.
It's always been like this for me. I just sorta go where the wind blows yanno. I never know if I'm gonna be alright but it's whatever and today is no different. Our lives are precious but we're disposable to those who do all kinds of evil. It is what it is... my motto is, when I die... bury me upside down so everyone can kiss my ass goodbye lol
That was a tough read, and I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, those kinds of experiences never really leave you and shape how you see humanity, don't they.. It sounds like you're in a better situation now though, I hope that's the case. I've had bad interactions with cops myself, it can be terrifying, but also you know that if they wanted to they could end you, and you're so low (because you're already having a mental health crisis, and the cops should never be there to deal with that to begin with) that you actually wouldn't care.
But you did get me to chuckle at the end there, though I will admit I was expecting it to be a place to park their bikes lol.
On a more serious note though, this
really sums it up perfectly - there is only so much we can do when there are people out there with the will and power to harm us, the best we can do is try to go on despite that and do our best possible to avoid them.
So far I'm still dodging my evil landlord and the courts that seem to be siding with him, but no new developments, so still no solution as it stands. But I keep taking one day at a time, and trying not to sink in to despair quite just yet.
Lol @ a place to park their bicycle!
Yeah it's tragic that we are already so vulnerable and then add an affliction that you didn't bring to yourself nor did God put one in your life. It really gets interesting then for sure and you're right... it's enough to really crush mostly anyone and especially if it's a repeated assault for a long period of time.
In saying that, I feel I managed well enough. I've seen people throw their lives away from much less pressures in life. It's criminal but we wonder why people go on killing sprees and do all kinds of evil. I believe that whoever governs our freedoms in society is to be held responsible ultimately. Hard to live an honest life when every truth you live is offensive to mostly everyone else. No use in having integrity unless you're a really brave soul. Oh and don't ever try to love others or show compassion because they'll think you have a mental illness.
I've learned over the years that you can't trust anyone. Mostly everyone is fake while wearing a smile and acting some good kinda way. Or you have those who just have given up and they deliberately take their hate out on you. Seems to me, everything is backwards from the way it ought to be yanno?
I am happy with your reproach to the situation you are in. You seem like a really awesome person and always remember that your circumstances don't define you no matter how hurtful it may be. Continue to try to rise above it like you are currently. I've really enjoyed our conversations and again, it also is a help to me to be able to be here for you but you help me in other ways too because I'm not really used to people being nice or receptive of me simply because I care about others.
I am in a much better place than I was before and I'm thankful for my new family. My girlfriend and her mom has severe ADHD and that has been interesting many times but I'm slowly helping both of them get a better handle on life for themselves. It takes a lot of love, patience, forgiveness and time. Especially when trying to articulate things and word things properly in the right moment without causing any further harm. But my girlfriend, I've been with her for almost 6yrs now and she's come a long way. She's figuring it out little by little. We don't have as many accidents as we used to and she doesn't respond to me in a hurtful way as she used to.
She almost got me killed once for running her mouth about something that wasn't even relevant to one of our troublesome neighbors. The guy almost shot us but instead he nearly shot himself. Haven't seen him since but his girlfriend or wife, whoever she is... she's a real evil but we're doing our best to stay out of her way. The police don't even care about the situation and even tried accusing me. The lady is delusional. But it's whatever. I'll leave her be until she provokes a needed response accordingly.
I'm so sick and tired of having to be put in situations like this. Make no mistake, I don't bother with anyone and mostly every reaction I have with the general public is kind. The world has gone batty though and I ultimately hope God will rip me from this earth. I'm definitely not in agreement with all the Tom foolery going on.
But just like you, I try to keep going and it helps to help still and it's nice to meet another person on the internet who understands these things and aren't afraid to speak up. It's refreshing!