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If I don't care what pronouns are used, can I still be an ally? (self.nostupidquestions)

submitted 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago) by notanaltaccount to c/[email protected]

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Trigger warning: this could be upsetting

Shortly after graduating school, I hung out with someone I met once before and was raped and have some trauma in my background. It was aquaintance rape I guess? I barely knew him. There's other bad stuff that's happened that's also horrifying, some of it worse than that.

I am biologically male and effeminate, but don't want to have a female body. I don't really feel like anything and sort of don't care what people call me. I am slightly asexual just from trauma and don't really feel like I exist in a way. It wouldn't surprise me if I'm not around in another decade.

I support trans people, but feel like putting he/him next to my name sort of implies a more clear identity than I have or implies I care about how people label me. I don't. I sort of barely exist and don't like to imply otherwise. People can call me anything, I don't care. I don't see myself as female or a they or it. I don't see myself as anything.

I almost want to go like (he/him/*) but I am afraid this would be disrespectful.

I truthfully would like to be (he/him/🫥/💀) which would obviously be seen as demeaning. I feel like anything other than normal parantheticals opens the door to a distracting conversation that I don't want professionally and often don't want personally. And I feel like nothing after my name is dog-whistle for trans-people-are-invalid.

(I don't care about pronouns but support trans people) also seems disrespectful and sort of like "i want attention" and I really don't.

I wish I could support trans people without having to label myself or my body or even bring up these topics. Is there a way to do that? There probably isn't.

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[–] [email protected] 6 points 5 months ago

[Reader, beware: take what I say with a grain of salt. I'm not trans, I just happen to have a few trans friends here and there.]

I think that people in general confuse the symbols too much with what they represent. Third person pronouns in English might symbolise your gender identity, but they aren't the identity itself; first and foremost, you're still you, regardless of those words. Just pick whatever you feel more comfortable with - be it "he/him", "any", or any other choice.

And remember that your choice of pronouns doesn't dictate who you are. Even if you see yourself as effeminate, and even if you have an unclear identity, and go for he/him, there's no contradiction. Same deal if you pick "any" and see yourself as a man.

And I feel like a lot of trans people have the same identity struggles as you do, or at least know someone in the same situation. Based on that I don't think that the ones in good faith would bat an eye towards something like "he/him/any".