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If I don't care what pronouns are used, can I still be an ally? (self.nostupidquestions)

submitted 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) by notanaltaccount to c/[email protected]

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Trigger warning: this could be upsetting

Shortly after graduating school, I hung out with someone I met once before and was raped and have some trauma in my background. It was aquaintance rape I guess? I barely knew him. There's other bad stuff that's happened that's also horrifying, some of it worse than that.

I am biologically male and effeminate, but don't want to have a female body. I don't really feel like anything and sort of don't care what people call me. I am slightly asexual just from trauma and don't really feel like I exist in a way. It wouldn't surprise me if I'm not around in another decade.

I support trans people, but feel like putting he/him next to my name sort of implies a more clear identity than I have or implies I care about how people label me. I don't. I sort of barely exist and don't like to imply otherwise. People can call me anything, I don't care. I don't see myself as female or a they or it. I don't see myself as anything.

I almost want to go like (he/him/*) but I am afraid this would be disrespectful.

I truthfully would like to be (he/him/🫥/💀) which would obviously be seen as demeaning. I feel like anything other than normal parantheticals opens the door to a distracting conversation that I don't want professionally and often don't want personally. And I feel like nothing after my name is dog-whistle for trans-people-are-invalid.

(I don't care about pronouns but support trans people) also seems disrespectful and sort of like "i want attention" and I really don't.

I wish I could support trans people without having to label myself or my body or even bring up these topics. Is there a way to do that? There probably isn't.

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[–] [email protected] 6 points 4 months ago (2 children)

Hey, I just want to say that I have a similarly tragic backstory, and I see you. It's never easy, but it does get easier.

If you really don't care about pronouns but want to signal that you realize they're important to people, why not try he/they on for size? People will probably default to "he" which you're accustomed to, but if someone uses "they" would you really notice?

[–] notanaltaccount 5 points 4 months ago (1 children)

I think "they" is probably a specific gender identity and using that would be like coming out as not male, but i do feel male. I dont think it would be accurate.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Well the good news is that "they" is no gender identity I've ever heard of. It's the third-person pronoun to be used when gender either doesn't matter or is unknown. For example, "I got an email from a new client, I wonder what they want?"

Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that pronouns themselves aren't genders. You should list whichever pronouns you're comfortable being used for yourself, and the presence or absence of them from your profile says nothing about your personal beliefs.

[–] notanaltaccount 3 points 4 months ago (1 children)

I didnt know that. I thought when people said they/them it meant gender fluid and was a different type of identity.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 4 months ago

my ex-wife said, after a lot of introspection, that she's definitely a cis woman, but wants to go by them as well :3 it's often used by folks who feel there's a void where their gender should be, but there's absolutely no reason why you couldn't use it, too!

[–] [email protected] 3 points 4 months ago

Yep - I identify as male, but I put he/they in my email signature because I a) want to signal active support for the trans community and b) don't really think about my own gender much and kind of like de-gendering my language wherever possible.