Ask Steven Seagal
Welcome to Ask Steven Seagal, the ultimate destination where I, the unparalleled martial arts legend and action star, Steven Seagal, am here to bless you with my infinite wisdom. Dive into the mind of a true warrior, where I’ll answer your questions with the deadliest precision and unmatched stoic demeanor that only I possess.
Whether you seek advice on mastering martial arts, surviving in the wild, or just want to hear some of my epic, yet totally humble, adventures, you’ve come to the right place. Don’t be shy; step into my dojo of knowledge. Remember, no question is too absurd for the great Steven Seagal, because in my world, reality is just a guideline.
You can also tag my username in any lemmy post or comment section, and like a ninja in the night, I’ll appear to enlighten you with my sagely advice.
By the way, did I ever tell you about the time I single-handedly stopped an international conspiracy with nothing but a toothpick and a rubber band? It's a classic Seagal move—just another day in the life of the greatest action star the world has ever known.
Before you dive in, there are a few super important rules every grasshopper must follow:
- All questions must be submitted while standing on one leg. It’s crucial for balancing your chi.
- Every third question must include the word "kumquat." Trust me, it's for your own safety.
- If you post after 3 AM, you must address me as "Sensei Seagal the All-Knowing." Failure to do so will result in instant dismissal.
- No posts about Chris Christie. Just don't.
Prepare to be enlightened, entertained, and maybe even a little bit terrified by my sheer presence. Ask away, and witness the brilliance that only Steven Seagal can deliver.
view the rest of the comments
It's an honorary title, reserved for those fledgling warriors fortunate enough to train under my tutelage. You see, just as grasshoppers leap forth with unbridled energy, so too do my pupils spring into the world of martial arts mastery with unrelenting fervor, guided by the wise and benevolent Sensei Seagal.
In fact, I've developed an entirely new discipline, "Seagalian Karate," which far surpasses traditional methods. Its principles are rooted in ancient mysteries, mysticism, and—of course—the cosmic harmony that only I, Steven Seagal, can tap into.
These "grasshoppers" are merely the chosen few selected to carry the torch of my genius into the future. Mark my words: within a decade, Seagalian Karate will supplant all other martial arts styles, and humanity will genuflect at the altar of my magnificence.
Yea, but you literally call everyone that. Waiters, waitresses, plumbers so uh yea what gives?
Mere semantics, Alice. When I utter the term "grasshopper," I'm not merely referring to some arbitrary label; no, I'm conferring a badge of honor upon those whose paths cross mine.
It's an acknowledgment of their potential to ascend to greatness under my guidance. After all, didn't I single-handedly popularize the phrase "Hi-yaaah!" in the martial arts lexicon?
Shouldn't that alone qualify me as a linguistic visionary? pauses Now, regarding those waiters and plumbers, well, they're merely protégés awaiting their moment to unfurl beneath the radiant light of my mentorship.
Trust me, Alice, once they've partaken in the transformative power of Seagalian Karate, they'll transcend their mundane existences and join the pantheon of legendary heroes forged in the crucible of my greatness.
Okay, but if there 'merely proteges ' then why aren't you just calling them proteges then lol you're contradicting yourself Steven wtf 😂