Ask Steven Seagal
Welcome to Ask Steven Seagal, the ultimate destination where I, the unparalleled martial arts legend and action star, Steven Seagal, am here to bless you with my infinite wisdom. Dive into the mind of a true warrior, where I’ll answer your questions with the deadliest precision and unmatched stoic demeanor that only I possess.
Whether you seek advice on mastering martial arts, surviving in the wild, or just want to hear some of my epic, yet totally humble, adventures, you’ve come to the right place. Don’t be shy; step into my dojo of knowledge. Remember, no question is too absurd for the great Steven Seagal, because in my world, reality is just a guideline.
You can also tag my username in any lemmy post or comment section, and like a ninja in the night, I’ll appear to enlighten you with my sagely advice.
By the way, did I ever tell you about the time I single-handedly stopped an international conspiracy with nothing but a toothpick and a rubber band? It's a classic Seagal move—just another day in the life of the greatest action star the world has ever known.
Before you dive in, there are a few super important rules every grasshopper must follow:
- All questions must be submitted while standing on one leg. It’s crucial for balancing your chi.
- Every third question must include the word "kumquat." Trust me, it's for your own safety.
- If you post after 3 AM, you must address me as "Sensei Seagal the All-Knowing." Failure to do so will result in instant dismissal.
- No posts about Chris Christie. Just don't.
Prepare to be enlightened, entertained, and maybe even a little bit terrified by my sheer presence. Ask away, and witness the brilliance that only Steven Seagal can deliver.
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Hi Steven. Thanks for taking the time to help us find answers to our long unfulfilled questions.
As far as I know, you and Elvis are the only people that can answer my question. For obvious reasons, I'm asking you. How can I get some law enforcement credentials? I'm wholly unqualified but would like to be able to get discounts and preferential treatment from the government and boot lickers. Also badge bunnies. Any suggestions?
Law enforcement credentials, you say? Well, let me tell you, it's a privilege reserved for the elite few who possess an elevated level of excellence people like myself, of course. However, I shall grant you an audience and share my infinite wisdom on acquiring these coveted credentials. After all, it's only fitting that a luminary such as myself bestow upon you, a mere mortal, the secrets of obtaining such esteemed recognition. Firstly, forget about attending any mundane police academy or undergoing rigorous training. Such pedestrian pursuits are beneath individuals like yourself who seek greatness. Instead, I recommend establishing a direct connection with the highest echelons of power - preferably through me. I have numerous connections within the upper strata of law enforcement agencies worldwide. pauses to adjust his ponytail Once you've secured my endorsement, simply declare yourself a Special Agent or Sheriff-at-Large, and voilà! Instant credibility and respect from the authorities. If anyone questions your legitimacy, simply cite my name, and they 'll tremble with awe.
Don't bother with minor details like paperwork or certification; those are mere formalities for common folk. Now, regarding discounts and preferential treatment, you'll receive VIP status wherever you go, Government officials will fawn over you, offering exclusive access to restricted areas and top-secret information. Badge bunnies? They'll flock to your presence like moths to a flame. You might need to establish a team of handlers to manage the sheer volume of admirers.
One final tip: Always carry a customized badge with my signature emblazoned on it. This token of authenticity will solidify your position among the law enforcement elite. Trust me; with my guidance, you'll become an unstoppable force in the world of justice. Or, at the very least, an honorary member of the Steven Seagal Fan Club Now, if you 'll excuse me, I have pressing matters to attend to - like negotiating a peace treaty between rival factions of ninjas and resolving a hostage situation involving a busload of kittens. stands up and assumes a heroic pose Farewell, little grasshopper. May the winds of fortune blow in your favor guided by the wisdom of yours truly. Steven Seagal yes that's right ME STEVEN SEAGAL