Introduction: A Deeply Personal Reflection
https://web.archive.org/web/20250120175142/https://www.deviantart.com/toxicholygrenade2/journal/TheInvertedShadow-Expose-Log-1147844192 (Read this whole rant here before giving this post a read.)
I am writing this not out of malice, nor as an attempt to seek vindication for myself, but rather as a deeply personal, regretful, and blunt reflection on the state of the Garry’s Mod and Source Filmmaker machinima communities. I do not tar everyone with the same brush because there are indeed good and decent individuals in both parties. However, the toxicity, cynicism, elitism, and unchecked corruption that have pervaded these communities for years are undeniable and cannot go unaddressed any longer.
At the core of this message, I am extending my grievances not only to the TF2 Freakologists, TheInvertedShadow, TurkishPhantom, and GmodViolet, but also to the community leaders and members who have allowed these issues to fester unchecked. The reality is simple: the blood is on your hands. You let the toxicity, bigotry (misopedism, homophobia, racism, etc.), elitism, sensationalism, and abuse of power spread like wildfire. And when people were harmed by it? You did nothing.
In the case of Chris Roche/Shadow himself, he also recently encouraged users to steal an OC of Tyler's as well. However, I will reiterate, Tyler Wilson is a pure evil scumbag who MUST be put behind bars, no question about it, but Shadow has once again, proven that he is no better than the people he swore to stand up against. What that tells me, is that Shadow is a sheer double-hypocrite, and anytime he gets challenged or confronted, he point blank denies virtually any wrongdoing he has done. It also tells me, that the Gmod and SFM machinima communities have lingering extremism that failed to go unpunished, which is why I am motivated on making this post.
However, let me make one thing abundantly clear: I do not absolve myself of my past mistakes. I have been bitter, reactionary, and volatile at times. I have said and done things I am not proud of, and for that, I take full responsibility. But at the same time, this community played a role in pushing me down that path, and I am far from the only one who has suffered because of it.
ADDRESSING TURKISHPHANTOM’S ACTIONS
I will start off with this comment Turk wrote to ne over a month ago.
"I dont know GmodViolet whatsoever, although I can sort of recognize the other people you mentioned. Half of them are no longer apart of the community as a whole aside from cleanup duty on their own Wiki. Mind you I emphasize; THEIR wiki. THEY created it, and ultimately have control over it. It's just how it is. If I recall correctly I think you joined with an OC that was very powerful. This is a divisive topic but I can understand your response to them not accepting it. The Gmod community has for a very long time had a great standing issue for power creep characters and anything that isn't """original""".
This leaves alot of elitism and bias in the community and the major players dictate what is and isnt worth interacting with. Usually if you have the talent to create extremely good screenshots or machinima, you can circumvent their bias, but they will usually always fun police things you make. I think this mentality is, infact, incorrect. I think people shouldn't be so uptight about power levels and originality as long as you can interact and function in the community fine enough. The entire point of a community is to engage with people of like minded content and to make friends.
Your lashing out, however, if I can remember correctly, was extremely stubborn and you refused to back down as you do now still to this day until things get too much. I remember when your mom got involved and many other times when things would go over your head. When you feel wronged you want to set the record straight and youll bite and gnash your way to do it. This behavior has chased away a great many people from wanting to interact with you. They see it as childish, forced, and volatile. I don't know what your time on the platform would have been like without the headstrong responses towards people over the years but it seemed like you've always had an issue fitting in as a whole.
Many gmodders I know personally have moved away from the idea of TF2 freaks and the like as a whole in order to do their own content and branch off. I think they share a similar opinion you do that they do not enjoy people policing what is and isn't okay and would rather engage with people who aren't greatly negative. I know Shadow knows Kugawattan personally, but I don't. I have seen Kugawattan be an elitist shithead constantly. He's a B-Rate Gmodder who ran with what little fame he had and it went to his head. I do genuinely think that as a whole the community should just rely on what is fun as opposed to what should/shouldn't be ruled into existence. There's nothing wrong with having "What If" scenarios. It's not going to hurt anyone. And I think they forgot or did not care about that as time went by.
Ultimately the people in charge of the TF2 Freak wiki are no longer major players in the Gmod/SFM community anymore anyways. Youtube and Deviantart and Discord have lead to many new faces not held back by the bias' and restrictions imposed by the original team to create wonderful and fascinating things. Those people though from what I have seen you have also tended to drive away from your behavior, the few journals and things i've read on here. You may not have ill intentions but I think the way you behave and react chases people away. You need to learn how to socialize better especially if you have any social barriers or mental health issues.
The people who like Shadow don't hate you blindly. They've read everything you've posted. They do not agree with many of the points you make and hate that you represent negative press when everyone is trying to get by. We all have much larger much more important things to deal with with our lives and you trying to make Shadows life hell impresses no one. He's worked hard to get where he is which is something you need to understand is more than you have done in this community as a whole. Your time here has genuinely only caused strife. You were poisoned by a group of elitists to become a negative aspect of the community. People just want to be left alone and you need to figure that out. This all started with Kugawattan, let it just be about him. But this fandom as a whole is barely as big as it once was, atleast the way it used to be. Just pack it in and focus on yourself. Stop getting into fights. Or else no one will want to interact with you."
It is important to address TurkishPhantom’s own misconduct before proceeding further.
You weaponized my real identity against me, threatened me directly, and opened the door to potential harassment against my family and girlfriend. This was not just an attack against me personally, but an attempt to expose my loved ones to unnecessary danger and vitriol. And worst of all: you even BLACKMAILED me into deleting the journal made against you and Shadow. While you later deleted those comments, the fact remains that you were willing to stoop to that level in the first place. That is not something that can simply be brushed aside. It was reckless, unhinged, and a clear example of how deep the toxicity of this community runs. What does not surprise me either, is that you made a disgusting slur relating to homosexual individuals. There is no way I am a homophobe at all either, but you had the audacity to do the exact same thing yourself. And finally, I am not a pedophile, and to go even a step further, I consistently reported a guy by the name of Phaeton1995 for generating most child character art that would be very sexual in nature, and called him out for it. All of this, is why I went out of my way to report you to DeviantArt without you even knowing, and you were banned for all these things, and rightly so. Now, do you understand where you people are screwing up?
In fairness, you later made a more measured response, and I will acknowledge that. There were truths in your response, but it is also crucial that I address those truths from my own perspective and offer the full context of how this community - especially the TF2 Freakshow circle - poisoned my mindset and pushed me to a bitter, hateful state.
THE SIX TRUTHS AND THE REALITY BEHIND THEM
- The TF2 Freak & GMod Community Has Been in a Steady Decline
Yes, TF2 Freaks and machinima content are still being made, but the overall community is in decline. Why? Because of the very elitism and toxicity that many of its leaders upheld. The refusal to allow fresh talent and new ideas crippled creativity and drove people away.
- My Past Volatility Was a Reaction to Community Mistreatment
I acknowledge my past anger and volatility. But let’s not ignore why it developed in the first place. I was mocked, belittled, and rejected for years. Instead of guiding or mentoring people like me, the community fostered hostility, ridicule, and gatekeeping.
- The Community Never Allowed Me Room for Redemption
Other creators with past conflicts were allowed to grow and improve. I was not. The community never let go of past mistakes, regardless of how much I changed.
- Kugawattan’s Actions Contributed to the Community’s Decline
This is undeniable. Kugawattan was toxic, elitist, and manipulative. He played a key role in fostering a hostile, gatekept environment that ultimately damaged the TF2 Freak community. His behavior was ignored and excused for far too long, as well as his greedy persona on his very streams no less.
- The TF2 Freak Community’s Corrupt Culture Led to Its Own Collapse
The TF2 Freakshow group disbanded for a reason: it was unsustainable. The corruption, in-fighting, and exclusionary attitudes ensured its own demise.
- My Pain Is Real, and I Am Not the Only One Who Has Suffered
What I feel is not just bitterness - it is grief. Grief for what the community could have been but never was. Grief for the wasted potential and lost friendships.
A FINAL, BRUTAL TRUTH TO THE COMMUNITY LEADERS
You have failed the community.
You allowed elitism and corruption to go unchallenged. You fostered an environment where certain people were untouchable, while others were blacklisted permanently. You let the TF2 Freak community rot from the inside, turning a space that should have been built on creativity into a toxic battlefield.
You let misopedism, homophobia, racism, and bigotry generally, to flourish. You let sensationalism and drama dictate the culture. You allowed double standards and favoritism to run rampant. And when confronted with these realities, you refused to change.
I am not saying I am innocent, but I am saying that the blood is on your hands just as much as mine.
WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?
If there is one thing I have learned, it is this:
We ALL need to be better.
We need to start addressing grievances in a fair, unbiased manner.
We need to oppose the toxicity, bigotry, and elitism that ruined this community.
We need to challenge the corruption and make an example of those who perpetuate it.
We need to give people room to grow and improve rather than permanently writing them off.
We need to rebuild, rather than tear down.
If we cannot do these things, then we have failed - not just as a community, but as a society.
I do not expect to be forgiven, nor do I expect my words to change everything overnight. But at the very least, I will not stay silent any longer...
