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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/Humble-View143 on 2023-06-26 15:08:57+00:00.
I 35f and husband 37m are expecting our 1st child after years of infertility at the end of August. I live in another country 3500 miles from my parents who are retired and are coming to stay with us for 2 weeks before & 3.5 months after the birth to help out because its high risk pregnancy/delivery due to chronic illness & a C-section. My husband travels for work & is gone multiple times a month.
I am the eldest, and this will be my parents first granddaughter but my younger sister Ashley 28f has 4 boys ages: 9, 7, 3,1. Ashley & I are not close and she’s always in a mess. She’s recently divorced from husband #4, has moved back in with ex-husband #1 father of her oldest & he isn’t the nicest guy, especially to the younger boys.
Here’s where the real problems lie, her 3 year old *Tyler is extremely bright but clearly has undiagnosed autism, he’s difficult to handle for my sister, has delayed speech, struggles with behavior and in Ashley’s own words “too hard to manage alone” so my parents keep Tyler 3-4 nights a week. Tyler’s father is not in the picture and the only male bonds he has are with my dad & husband. My parents were very excited about coming to stay when my daughter is born until they realized it meant leaving Tyler behind with his mom.
A week ago my mom made a “joke” about bringing Tyler with and I said I didn’t think this was a good idea, she quickly agreed & changed the subject. Last night my sister sent me a text asking about the logistics of getting Tyler a passport (a requirement to travel to us) so our parents could bring him along. When I told her that I didn’t feel like this was a good idea because it was too short notice to get him a passport, things were going to be stressful & chaotic, & ultimately I said he couldn’t come.
She BLEW up! Calling me a selfish AH before blocking me (this is typical behavior). My dad then called and said that Ashley told them she would quit her job if they left Tyler behind because there was no possible way she could work & take care of the other boys & Tyler for those 4 months & her ex she’s living with refuses to help with the younger boys especially Tyler.
I told my dad that if that was the case and they weren’t coming unless they brought Tyler that maybe they shouldn’t come, & they could make a trip later on. This sent my mom into crying hysterics & Ashley called leaving dozens of voice/text messages cursing me out, calling me all sorts of horrible names, & telling me she hoped both I & my daughter die during child birth. This went on until my husband made me turn my phone off because I was now extremely upset and physically ill. My concern is that with my own C-section recovery & health issues I already face, having Tyler underfoot with a newborn will just be too much. I adore my nephew but even my parents struggle with him. Now I’m feeling incredibly guilty because everyone is upset. So am I the AH for saying no?