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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/aitafirstdategirl on 2023-06-21 23:36:24+00:00.
I (26f) have a friend (25f) who I met in college, and although losing touch for a bit after college, I moved to the same town as her six months ago for work, and we’ve hung out quite a bit since then. I have kind of integrated into her friend group(five other girls not including us) although I’m not as close with them as they are with each other, which makes sense seeing as how they’ve known each other a bit longer.
I was recently on a first date with a woman that I’ve liked for a bit (27f). We were having coffee at a cafe, and all of a sudden, my friend walks up to us and says hi. Not a big deal, I know she comes here a lot and I introduced them, my friend is super nice to my date. At this point, I hadn’t told my friend this was a date. She knows I’ve dated women in the past, but I wasn’t expecting her to realize this was a date because it could very well have just been a friend. Then she asks if she can join us and starts to pull up a chair.
My date is visibly thrown off by this, as am I, and so I say “oh I’m sorry but (date’s name) and I are on a date right now. I’ll see you later, though!”
My friend says “oh, I don’t mind!” and sits.
I reiterate, more clearly “I’d love to hang out another time but right now I’d like for it to just be (date’s name) and I”
She says ok and leaves. I thought that was the end of it, not at all a big deal, I don’t expect her to automatically know who I am or am not on a date with.
I get a call from a different girl in the friend group that night, who tells me that my friend called her and was pissed off about earlier, so I immediately call my friend and ask if we can talk. She says it was rude of me to brush her off, it wouldn’t have been a big deal to join us, and her other gay friend lets her hang out with him and his boyfriend all the time (this friend is not a part of the friend group, I have never met him). This gets to me a little because I feel like the two situations are only being compared because her friend and I are both not straight. I tell her that because it was a date, it’s different and that she can’t expect to join me on a first date. She keeps arguing, and finally I get fed up and snap at her “be fucking honest, if I was on a date with a guy you would have taken no for an answer and not had a problem” and then hang up.
She has not talked to me since then, but she told the entire friend group and they are now split. I know this bc the friend who first told me that she was pissed off as well as one other girl messaged me individually to let me know what was going on and that they’re sorry about what happened.
The messages from the people on my friend’s (maybe former friend, idk) side are making me second guess myself, I do get that I snapped at her on the phone and was rude at the end of our conversation. I don’t think I’m wrong for not wanting her to join us, but AITA for the way I behaved at the end of our convo?