Today's news, 2050 edition:
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The Republic of Comcast has demanded an additional $100m in "aid" per country, citing rising business costs. On a separate note, Comcast claims that the recent shelling of Google's Fiber headquarters by their flagship destroyer, the CTWS Cunt, was a "training mishap". The shelling took out a sizeable portion of the building and destroyed some servers and central cables. The extent of the damage is still unknown. Independent observers who have publicly showed interest in assisting with the investigation have so far been unable to communicate with the media as their phone and internet service appear to have been disconnected.
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The Federated Nations of Monsanto has passed legislation in the UN mandating the commercial use of non-GMO crops illegal for "national security" reasons. The company has been criticised for working with governments to engineer "genetic backdoors" into all crops so that when sprayed with a special "golden shower", the crops would die within 24 hours. Originally intended to assist governments in destroying illegal poppy plantations used in the drug trade, the use of such "backdoors" is now prevalent in nearly every commercial GMO crop produced. An executive for Monsanto stated that "If you are not doing anything wrong, you do not have to fear this". Countries that have expressed interest are North Korea, Zimbabwe and Russia.
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The International Delta-GreatLakes-American Federation (IDGAF), the airline consortium created 20 years ago from United Airlines, US Airways, Delta Airlines, Great Lakes and American Airlines, has recently announced plans to restrict access to the consortium's airports to only allow airlines which follow IDGAF's service standards, termed Flying Unburdened (FU). FU standards include: a minimum charge of $10 for access to in-flight entertainment consoles, a ban on free drinks and meals on flights, a limit of $50 compensation for bumped passengers, and stricter upper limits on legroom and complimentary luggage allowance. As IDGAF owns 98% of domestic airports, airlines are expected to comply. Critics had predicted such an outcome when IDGAF began taking ownership of domestic airports 10 years ago, but were unable to petition Congress or overseas governments in person as they had been added to a "no-fly" list.
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The newest member of the UN, Nestle, is proposing a new bill that would declare tap water "undrinkable" unless it passed extremely strict quality standards, failing which it would be banned from being served in restaurants or anywhere in public. When confronted with the allegation that these standards are far too rigorous for any country to enforce and that people would have to resort to drinking bottled water (of which Nestle produces 75% of the world's supply), the Prime Executive of Nestle reiterated that his concern was for the health of humans across the globe. A reporter who asked why the legislation did not apply to bottled water (which is usually just as impure as tap water) was immediately arrested for unknown reasons.
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The People's Republic of Amazonistan today signed an additional order for 1800 drones, to be delivered over the next 2 years. This brings Amazonistan's Air/Drone Force to a total of 121,000. Many have expressed concern that these drones represent a serious militarization effort as they are capable of loitering and launching precision strikes with Hellfire missiles, but Amazonistan maintains that they are only to be used for delivery purposes. When asked about their huge Hellfire missile stockpile, the President of Amazonistan mumbled something about "maybe making it available for 1-hour Prime Now delivery", then walked away quickly. ^((inspired by /u/Alexi_Bosconovich's talk of Amazonistan below)^)
OBLIGATORY GOLD EDIT/ADDITION:
- The Amalgamated Union of Rio Tinto-Newcress announced yesterday that an unspecified "supply issue" has forced them to temporarily halt all shipments of gold, as well as copper and iron ore to Germany, effective immediately. This is expected to have a crippling effect on Germany's manufacturing industry, since the Union controls 89% of the world's iron ore and owns all copper and gold mines globally. In response to journalists' inquiries, a Union spokesman cryptically stated that "[the supply issue] will last as long as it has to". Political analysts say that this move is mean to pressure Germany, one of the last remaining holdouts, to sign the Nature Appreciation Agreement. The Agreement declares strip mines an "integral and essential part of nature", allowing Rio Tinto-Newcress to mine in signatory countries without the need for any permits. The Agreement also gives the Union the right to displace any township for mining purposes without question and classifies environment-related protests as "acts of terror".
2nd GOLD ADDITION (no more pls):
- The Sony-Valve Empire has announced the global release date of the highly anticipated Quarter-Life 3. As with the previous two iterations, Quarter-Life 3 is expected to have a 100% market penetration thanks to the Nebag Act of 2031, which classifies all Sony-Valve software as "adolescent development aids" that parents are required by law to purchase. The old payment plan remains unchanged with a low downpayment of $499.99 and 60 monthly payments of $99.99. Quarter-Life 3 also comes with an improved version of the UltraFish DRM suite. The old UltraFish software provoked brief controversy as it irrevocably erase the entire contents of the user's computer upon discovery of pirated software (including books, music and movies/TV). The new UltraFish builds on this capability and is able to scan all Internet-connected computers in the customer's home for any pirated material, similarly wiping the hard drives of offending systems. Furthermore, UltraFish is now able to access all webcams and microphones within the customer's home, a move that the Chief Gamer at Sony-Valve claimed would "allow[Sony-Valve] to better tailor our in-app purchases to the user's habits and household activity patterns".
EDIT2: Wow ok this blew up a little. I'm not Max Berry nor have I read Jennifer Government (although now I'm interested in reading that). Just had a stroke of inspiration while checking Reddit in bed this morning, my girlfriend's still asleep and there's more blood going to my head than usual ifyouknowwhatimean.
EDIT3: Wow, my first double gold! Alright have another headline story then! But NO MORE GOLD PLS I'M RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS.