this post was submitted on 28 Jun 2024
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EDIT: Thanks so much everyone. Great answers. This has been fun. Keep it going as long as you want!

DISCLAIMER: Silly Thought Exercise: NOT AN ENDORSEMENT OF REPLACING BIDEN. I personally do not think replacing Biden is a good idea at this stage in the election. I think that's more dangerous than keeping him, sadly, but he's who we've got. I'm just looking for shitposty thoughts on this question, please and thank you.


What-over-the-top absurd person would you choose to replace Biden who you think could actually body Trump, and why?

For an example, my choice would be based on the idea that the only thing that makes a bully like Trump wilt is a bigger bully. Secondly, US citizens love trash talking and sports and absolutely will vote for someone who is already famous, they certainly love their celebrities. Finally, what better sport for trash talk than basketball?

In that, my choice would be basketball legend Larry Bird. (he's famously apolitical, so it's hard to know if he would actually be politically aligned against Trump.)

...but, the thing is, Larry Bird is a masterclass trash talker.

And that is really what throws Trump off and throws him into obscene tantrums where his composure is lost and he comes off like a whining loser: when he's been taken down a peg by someone else. Nothing sticks deeper in his craw. I don't think he could handle Larry Bird's level of shit-talk, Bird is like god-tier.

I can imagine Bird calling Trump out and saying he can smell his shit-filled diaper from across the auditorium, obviously Bird would describe more colorfully than I. The thing is, I can also see that absolutely throwing Trump into hysterics.

Also, at 67 Bird's a fucking spring chicken compared to Biden or Trump.

So, I'm hoping for answers that are a bit silly, like this. Larry Bird is obviously not actually a good choice for this. I just like chuckling at the idea, because real life has gotten so absurd I need to hide in even deeper absurdity.


What's your absurd Biden replacement? Please, I think we could use some laughs.

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[โ€“] [email protected] 7 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago) (6 children)

Andrew Callaghan. Just sit there an ask Trump simple questions with a vibe so chill he self destructs without any outside interference.

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[โ€“] [email protected] 7 points 5 months ago (6 children)

Arnold Schwarzenegger. Or maybe Cyclops or Magneto if we're allowed fictional characters. I think it would be funny

[โ€“] [email protected] 5 points 5 months ago (5 children)

If we're going fictional characters, then Havelock Vetinari from the Discworld novels.

[โ€“] [email protected] 5 points 5 months ago

Hell yes. All Vetinari would have to do is raise an eyebrow.

[โ€“] atrielienz 4 points 5 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago)

Trump would kill himself in a week. Vetinari wouldn't even have to do anything except talk to his dog during the debate. Vetinari would even put through a request to the Assassins guild to make sure the price to beat was too high to have him assassinated. Just to make a point.

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[โ€“] Grimy 4 points 5 months ago (1 children)

I could see trump being anti mutant

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[โ€“] Snapz 7 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago) (3 children)

By the standards of the American people, the candidate should be one of those blow up car dealership streamer guys and a Bluetooth speaker playing audio of hero monologues from 80's "step dad bait" action movies.

The presidency is not one person, it's an entire administration and general philosophy. We're fed a lie that these debates always matter, they matter when candidates are unknown and then have a forum to stand out as leaders and educate voters about a vision for the country. That's NOT the case here, the candidates are wholly known entities and these fucking debates absolutely do not matter.

The people in this country, in their immediate reaction to this debate, demonstrate that they just fundamentally lack the focus, empathv and frankly basic intelligence to process the substance of this or any debate. On average, we respond solely to voice pitch, tonality, body language and facial expressions, like a still developing toddler... Or a dog.

[โ€“] [email protected] 6 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago) (3 children)

On average, we respond solely to voice pitch, tonality, body language and facial expressions

I mean, to be fair this is a human thing that is well known. It's been known since Nixon looked like hell next to young JFK, the first ever televised debate. Nixon boned it because he was sweaty and looked like shit.

It's been an issue of the television era ever since we began to focus on images instead of words. It's also an issue with public speeches.

I mean for fucks sake, JFK went to Berlin and gave a speech where he said "Ich bin ein Berliner" while a Berliner is a fucking donut and despite that confusion Germans went fucking wild cheering for him.

"What did he say? I am a donut? Whatever, he's awesome woooooooooooooo!"

Acting like it's just American citizens is fucking dumb. It's humans. It's an issue with video media, period.

[โ€“] [email protected] 7 points 5 months ago

I think the doughnut thing is actually just some folks wanting a laugh and trying to be witty. The phrase made sense as it was intended and was taken as such (a person from Berlin), and the fact that there is coincidentally also a doughnut given that name is unlikely to have registered in anyone's mind while present at the speech and if it did it probably wouldn't have merited much more than a smirk since it's not a mistake to have said that, it's just a funny coincidence.

I'm sure there's probably more than one pizzeria somewhere with a pizza on the menu called "New Yorker" and if someone said in a speech "I'm a New Yorker" no one's going to pissing themselves laughing at the person for being such a baffoon to have accidentally called themselves a pizza.

[โ€“] [email protected] 3 points 5 months ago

Berliner also means the people living in Berlin

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[โ€“] [email protected] 6 points 5 months ago

Phoenix Wright seems like a good fit. A superb lawyer that went to countless court and win, debate is part of his job and Trump would be continually shut off.

[โ€“] [email protected] 6 points 5 months ago

Jesse "the Body" Ventura. Let's go full Senior Citizens Wrestling League with this.

[โ€“] theywilleatthestars 6 points 5 months ago (3 children)

Bring Orson Welles back from the dead

[โ€“] uebquauntbez 6 points 5 months ago (2 children)

Elon Musk! It's time for him to take over USA. Like he did with Twitter. Let that sink in!

[โ€“] [email protected] 6 points 5 months ago (1 children)

The United States of America is now known as X.

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[โ€“] [email protected] 6 points 5 months ago (4 children)

Twitter has died. That shitshow is called X now.

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[โ€“] [email protected] 5 points 5 months ago

Whatever happened to Whiplash? You know, that spider monkey that would dress up as a cowboy and ride around on a border collie at rodeos and in a few Taco John's commercials. Put him in there. The border collie can be his running mate... (get it? get it?)

[โ€“] [email protected] 5 points 4 months ago

It's Vermin Supreme's moment

[โ€“] [email protected] 4 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago)

Frank fucking Zappa.... were he not dead. Even dead he's a better choice.

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