Trans

Very early interactions with other children. Pretty much always being one of the girls, and taking part in activities mostly done by girls while not all that interested in the traditional guy activities.

The school had these horizontal bars my girl friends and I would twirl around endlessly. Did a lot of roleplaying with this same group of friends, including classic 'damsel in distress' scenarios, which I related to in particular. Had a crush on one of these girls, and it turns out she fought her best friend over my attention. Cue the 9-year old first relationship experience. We managed to keep it going for a year and a half until she wanted to french kiss me and I chickened out. Worst mistake of my life. 😅

The both of us were real big Tomb Raider fans back then, which was probably my first time experiencing the "be, or be with" confusion. We both had a pretty good claim at the "being" part, since we were both really into gymnastics and pretty bad ass people overall (at least as much as a 9-year old has any right to be). Naturally this would become a problem for roleplaying purposes, which I understood, so I was content being Indiana Jones instead. Looking back at those times something was definitely off there.

Then there's the mostly relating to female characters part in general, which never really stopped. And today I just consider this part of who I am. I have female role models, deal with it!

I have been refered to with the feminine variant of my name by a girl friend from next door when I was a kid. Made me wonder if she actually knew my name, no confusion at all at being "misgendered" there. Turns out, she was onto something. Currently debating using both forms of my name interchangably to see what it's like.

Had a first real crossdressing experience when I was about 13 years old, which was for a school play. Probably enjoyed being dolled up with the help of classmates way more than the average cis male should. Once again, hindsight is 20/20.

Most of the stronger signs are a recent thing though, and I see daily life in a different light now. It's actually kinda fun going out in public and looking at women around my age because the confusing part is over. I can now just look at women and either crush on them, envy them or both at the same time (which is unexpectedly thrilling). I guess it's similar to the experience a bisexual friend of mine described after coming out. "There's no more pressure, I can just look at others and enjoy, instead of feeling confused".

I'm kind of in a mental state where being trans is probably a good fit for me, but I'm trying to figure out more before committing to any coming out or transitioning. So I expect to keep experimenting to get a grip on who I want to be. In the mean time it's posting here as an outlet and figuring out what I can get away with in my appearance in daily life without having to explain what's going on.