Rolling Dice Every Day

Now THIS should be up to speed. Friday, September 15th, future me. Yesterday.

Let's start in the early morning. I slept with them into the night, and woke up warm and fuzzy inside. Not necessarily because we had sex though. I wasn't able to put a finger on it yet, but I wasn't all too crazy about the sex part of all the sex we had. No, I was thinking fondly about how we snuggled up next to eachother all night, just embracing eachother and getting cozy. I was thinking about how exhilarating it was to get everything set up. I was thinking about the newborn kitten that kept crawling all over us. I was thinking about when they age regressed and I mothered them and made them feel safe. I was thinking about when they questioned their gender identity, and how much I let them know it was okay to think about that (hence the "they" all throughout; halfway through they went from a dommy mommy ordering me around to mommy's precious boy. Don't question it.).

Long story short, while the sex was fun, I wasn't all too crazy about it. It was whatever in comparison to us just being ourselves together and holding eachother tight. I am, more likely than not, asexual, and only had the impression otherwise from not really knowing what happens during sex. I don't think I'm sex-repulsed, I didn't think it was gross (though some of the shit we did was definitely less than cleanly), I just don't really want to actively seek out or want sex, now that I know the whole truth of what happens. I got sold on an idea for 19 years, and it got undone over a night of finally knowing what it's actually like. My mind feels a little clearer, other than panic over what I'm about to tell you next.

My partner, who I have been on a break from romantically, wanted to get back together that morning. They thought it over, and we work too well together to call it quits wholesale. Why was I panicking? Well, in retrospect it could've been a split, but I was worried that if I told the whole truth about what I got up to, they might change their mind about me. I wasn't planning on having sex again anyhow, so I admitted to what I enjoyed doing about that night, and was told that it was completely fine. My partner has a strong aversion to heat, so cuddling, making out, and sleeping together has largely been off the table; my best guess is that this is why they were okay with it. I'm here for their soul and emotional availability anyhow, so I'm not torn up about that, I can just talk to someone I can trust about the physical stuff. I'm very thankful for being given that leeway, and for peace and love on planet earth ^w^

I'm not done just yet. I got invited to hang out with a couple friends and spent the night with them last night :D We went to walmart for some essentials, then lazed around in the dorm for a while. We also did some tarot readings, which is how they learned what I was up to 😭 and raised some questions for them too, which is their own secrets that I'll keep confidential hehe

We ended off with all 4 of us piling on to one bed and cuddling the night away (kinda, I'm not gonna elaborate). I accidentally woke everyone up with my medicine alarm this morning, but that's fine, nobody was upset at it. What happens next? Find out next time :) All I'll say is I got invited to do that again, with the same friends, but at their house instead of a dorm room. I left to pack for that, and now I'll be there after I finish up with work rn. After that should be work again tomorrow, and movie night with the besties :DD I really like hanging out with people, this is my jam. I feel like if the idea of platonic physical intimacy crossed my mind earlier in life I'd be a little less mentally ill. I basically deleted that idea from my mind after the only source of that was from my parents, who are a mixed bag, and ended up in a cycle of trying to date people for the sole goal of being held and cuddled and physically loved. I ruined friendships for that. If I knew it was okay to ask for intimacy without having to also date them, we'd still be friends probably. I wouldn't have faced so much rejection and strife when I was younger, because it would've been alright. :( All I can do is do better in the future.