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Hey I saw your other post, and I think this was a good place to post this. Anyway this is my response:
Here's a bit of a harsh truth. Most of the advice you're responding to can't work if you're alone. It's very hard to enjoy hobbies or make progress in therapy if your needs aren't being met. (although if you have access, I would recommended medication for anxiety if that's a problem for you. But medication won't cure depression or trauma, it's impossible if you don't have support)
It's really hard and really scary, but I think you should try to find people you connect with.
I promise you, there ARE people out there who are genuinely good, who will care about you and accept you for who you are, even if it doesn't line up with the world's expectations.
Look for others who don't fit in with society. They tend to be the most interesting, the most genuine, and the least judgemental.
And give yourself some credit for surviving what you have, but realize that there's a chance your life could be better in the future, and it's worth it to keep trying, even if it's the hardest thing you ever do.
You sound a lot like me when I wanted to die the most. Back when most of my family was dead, and the only family that was left was estranged due to abuse and trauma aside from one that was half a continent away. When I was lured by a girl to another state to help her move and then ditched, and left homeless, stuck between going back to those who abused me and gave me PTSD, and sleeping in my cold car that contained all of my belongings.
I know this has nothing to do with your life, and is completely removed from your experience, but I'd still like to share my tale of escape in case you ever decide to read. To note: I tried antidepressants, especially when my brain started causing nerve damage that made my entire left side severely sensitive to touch and cold... but all they did was remove me from myself, or drive me mad and made my darkest thoughts even worse... made it easier to fall apart, and even made stressors worse. Medicine truly DOES NOT suit every scenario, and can often make us worse if the underlying issues causing our pain go unresolved.
Therapy wasn't an option, my chest physically hurt from the loneliness, and hunger was growing from my lack of funds... Singing to myself covers of songs about how I wanted to or should die, or how I should be taken out... But I came across a sweet older lady that told me that the school district was hiring pretty much ANYONE for janitorial - and at first I pushed away from the thought due to hating cleaning up after others, but I took the shot and jumped in out of desperation. It might sound ass backwards, but even if it was a terribly low paying job, being able to support and prove myself in some way that gave back to others helped save me from the brink. The cheap rent for a shared house made it feasible, albeit it required staying in my tiny room because dealing with others was too much, and deep heartfelt longing to fill the chasm in my chest was there for a long time. I stayed lonely (for the most part still do,) and I still keep my list of friends EXTREMELY small, but somehow I've been able to find solace in what's essentially a Sisyphean task. Seeing countless innocent smiles even if they don't understand the work that's entailed, and getting thanks from their parents as they came through the school to pick them up from after-school programs, while doing work that I abhor... gave me life in a way that I otherwise couldn't attain. Knowing at the end of the day that I was helping keep people safe, to provide safety and care that I lacked in my upbringing, and becoming the opposite of my father made me want to keep going. I honestly think that this job in itself is the one thing that's regularly keeping me going even a decade later, even if it feels too much at times. I may be working with college students now who are WAY more out of control at times, but the comfort of being appreciated as a part of the community that keeps their lives running smoothly has helped with my issues of a continuing struggle at the lower levels of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. I earnestly think that if I had any other job, I would be much worse off mentally now, and owe my healing to that sense of a community that otherwise seems unattainable in our current world for someone who struggles with social interactions due to trauma.
I don't know what path may be best for you, or what options may even be feasible, but finding something at base level as being an essential part of a community may be infinitely more valuable than any amount of prescribed drugs. And I know it probably sounds awful, because it did to me too... but you clearly want to escape from the struggle and find a chance to properly live... finally get the opportunity to find yourself and think outside of the endless barrage of pain that feeds upon itself. The endless cycle of suffering that many of us know far too well. I'm still somewhat unwell even after years of bi-monthly therapy, and still find comfort in singing songs about how I want to die from time to time, but the growth from my past to now is still astounding.
I don't have solid answers, and nobody will, but please know that countless others are in or came from the brink of giving up. It's not easy, but it can get so much easier if the worst part of your day somehow provides you with some sort of fulfillment.
And, I'm sorry if this was too much text that may essentially lead to nothing, but you at least deserve the chance to read into the life of someone who has struggled with dark thoughts, depression, and trauma for the majority of their life.
Please, take care.
You seem to have your mind made up that things can never get better, so I don't think there is anything I can say to you that will get through. But the fact that you posted something online rather than keeping it to yourself makes me think that there's still a part of you that doesn't feel that way. I think reddit banned you because, well it's reddit (what did you expect?) but also because you're acting like you're the only person who struggles with this sort of stuff, which can make other people feel invalidated.
Anyway, I think you would do well to consider that you may have a distorted view of yourself and the world because of your experience so far. If you've lived your whole life in the arctic, it's easy to believe the whole world is frozen.
If your family is cruel to you, that's unlucky that you were born to them, but it says nothing about you. And just because you've never found people who accept you YET, doesn't mean that you won't. You can choose not to believe it, but there ARE people who don't care about things like status or social skills, and who are genuinely caring. I know because I'm friends with some. I can't really recommend anything in particular, because I don't know you or what your life is like. I will say that the reason people recommend hobbies isn't because it can really fill a void in you, but because you could use it to meet people like you. And any group that is more marginalized or countercultural is likely to be more openminded.
Like you were saying, you're in a cycle that's hard to break out from. (no friends -> poor social skills -> harder time making friends. bad life situation -> depression -> harder to change your life ) Personally, I'm in the process of pulling myself out of a similar sort of cycle. It's easy to see yourself as worthless because of where you are in life, but that's a bit of an illusion. You're currently the worst version of yourself right now, because you're running on empty. The best version of yourself isn't some abstract impossibility that you missed your opportunity for, it's actually just you with a full tank and some time. Dismantling all of the negative cycles you're stuck in is extremely difficult, and setbacks are an expected part of the process. But you're not doomed to live the rest of your life as you are now.
Hey, I was just saying reddit is a shitty place, not that you deserved it. Also I'm not sure what you want me to elaborate on. You can't expect me to give you specific instructions when you say nothing about yourself.
I would encourage you to be empathetic to others, and try to put yourself in their shoes. If if you're speaking to other people like you are in this comment, it's not surprising they don't want to be around you. (I know you're suffering and you probably don't mean it to, but this comment comes across as very combative and hostile, which would put many people off.) I'd recommend you read 'how to win friends and influence people', or at least check out an article or video summarizing it.
Also you seem to have a made quite a lot of assumptions about me. I'm not claiming to know any sort of higher truth, not sure where you got that from. I'm unemployed and never had a real career job, I've never been in a real romantic relationship, and I've spent days straight laying in bed too depressed and anxious to leave the house. I just know that I used to not want to be alive and now I do. I'm making progress very slowly, even when it doesn't feel like it. And it's mostly because I've put effort into friendships with others, and because I did a lot of introspection and changed how I view myself and the world.
I appreciate you for the double up on genuine caring responses.
Thanks for trying, in spite of their chaotic spiral.
Hey again. Please don't see this as a negative comment, but I really want to take the time to dig into the message they sent, since you were immediately shown negativity in that other post, and this person genuinely seems to show care. You may be misreading their comment as malicious or inherently negative.
I want to note that they noticed your efforts to escape this torment in their second sentence, and then made a statement (while calling out reddit for their ban-happy approach,) noting that you're not alone and that countless of us are going through it too. To note: That one commenter from your last post was way out of line from not paying attention to the community your post was in, and how varied all of the communities here are on Lemmy. Unfortunately, sometimes people don't pay attention when scrolling all, and chime in to conversations where their input does more harm than help... but that's a bit unavoidable with anything freely accessible online it seems. It's not the norm, albeit that was super unfortunate that it happened during your first attempt at being vulnerable here.
The next bits may be harder to pick apart if you're already seeing them as someone being confrontational, but it feels like they are genuinely sharing their ideas that many of us care about individuals outside of social status, and sharing that hobbies have been an alternative for them to find support in communities outside of work. That they are trying to share how they cope with the chasm in their heart.
They then relate to their own experience of seeing themselves as worthless, and the struggle that it takes to escape - noting that they themselves are still in the process. They then share their mindset of looking to a future vision of themselves, and recognizing how much energy and effort it takes to even make the slightest steps forward.
It's good to vent, and it's good that you're actively trying to find help, though misinterpreting their message only stands to hurt the both of you, and I feel that it probably did. As an outside observer, I can see how their message was only meant to help and try to build solidarity, and from your end I can see a trauma response that I know all too well. That there are going to be jerks on all social media, but I can see that they didn't mean to drag you down or demean your struggle either.