seeking advice
Me (26/F) and my husband (33/M) has been married for 3.5 years and we both work from home. he is a programmer and for the last 5 months I began to learn create some things he need for his game that he's creating (which he asked and encouraged me to do) so I've been experiencing some grate changes (I never did anything with technology I was a writer and a literature nerd before). we shared everything from the beginning and I need to mention he always made much more money than me and even now we are living on his savings which are good. and I always do the cooking and cleaning and laundry and feeding our dog and basically everything around the house.
The problem began when once several months ago when I asked him if he can make his own coffee just once, he argued that he is the one working and trying to make money (I was unemployed at that time) so I should have some responsibility and do the things in the house and I wasn't doing enough (our dog shed a lot and I didn't have the time to vacuum yet and didn't make coffee). I didn't say anything and agreed that since i'm not doing anything else i would take care of the house. but i'm not always so clean and although i prepare every meal on time but my kitchen sometimes gets messy but the mess wouldn't stay more than 1/2 days. since then we had this conversation a few other times that the house isn't always clean enough and I acknowledged I'm a little messy and I'll try better.
So since I began to learn and create the things he asked in my computer, I had less time to clean the house, also i need to mention I'm not very fast in this new area and my work goes on a little slow. two days ago he was going out for a swim in the pool and at last minute he turned back and said to me: "I wish my wife would surprise me with a cleaned vacuumed floor when I come back" and without any thought I answered: "well you never surprise me with a clean floor when i come home, and i'm doing stuffs too" . he got angry and said "you don't do anything and left. when he came back he didn't talk or answer me and angrily went vacuuming and then throw the vacuum with great anger that I thought it's definitely broken. then I went to bed and didn't eat for one day, he didn't even checked if i was alive, not until after he heard me vomiting (i have stomach problem and it happened cause i didn't eat) and then he called my mom and said: " she (me) is not feeling well can you bring us some food?!" when i asked him in the middle of my pain that tell her not to come and she'll get nervous seeing me like this he answered:" I want her to come because i didn't eat from last night at least somebody will cook for me." (he had dinner and launch and was lying to punish me for not cooking). anyway my mom came and i got better and that night passed... I gave him every meal on time yesterday and today and we are not talking at all, not a single word from that night, i just give him food and he eats and he's not even working anymore, just watching TV with frowning all the time.
I feel so invalid and I wanted to ask is it true that the one who don't have a job has to do everything in the house alone and say nothing? is he right to demand everything without any help just because we live with his money? I'm confused and I need straightforward frank answers. I feel my emotions has been disvalued in many ways in the last couple of years. I need to know what to do to make things ok, thanks for bear reading this.
PS I think my post isn't shown, let me know
It's a power struggle. He is attempting to get more from you than you are willing to give. It seems like he's attempting to create an unequal relationship for his benefit.
While selfishness is completely natural, relationships should be equal. And it's not only about true equality, i.e. "I vacuum the floor" -> "you should also vacuum the floor" and it being split 50/50. A relationship is beneficial because everyone can do what they're good at, and different things fit different people. By using this fact, it's possible to create something more than just sharing everything 50/50, because you're using individual people's strengths fully while minimizing weaknesses.
How exactly this should be done, what is ok, really none of us can say. It's up to the people in the relationship. And you are quite obviously not ok with what is happening. And that is the important thing. Everything else is relatively irrelevant.
You have a bunch of options now, you always have. As this is a power struggle, you have to be aware of what power you have. What do you do that he wants? That is the power you have. You can negotiate with it. You can withhold benefits to him. You can use persuasion. You can invoke traditions. You can use other people. You can exploit his insecurities. You can leave him (or threaten to) and look for a better guy. And so much more.
What exactly works in this struggle is for you to be creative about, and for you to decide what you are willing to do. Threatening to leave does not work if you're not actually willing to leave, for example.
We don't know your particular situation well enough even with this post you made here trying to explain things. I can just say that you should stand up for yourself and do what you think is right. I don't think you're being unreasonable from this post, but also this is your personal story, I can't see the other side and how accurate and truthful you are being.
For me personally, I would have never married someone that early, marriage just makes it harder to threaten to leave someone. I personally wouldn't put up with any of this, because I am able to be happy and live alone. It just sounds too selfish to me, and I wouldn't want to be the one to teach them what is too selfish. I wouldn't want to be disrespected like this.
thanks for your answer. I don't know if he is playing this power game intentionally or he just can't understand and reacts this way unconsciously. you explained it very well. thank you for your time.