In the last year I have discovered that my childhood memories are pretty lacking, like I don't remember major life events and even whole periods of time.
The more I thought about it, the scarier it got. The feeling of having zero recollection of things that people around me remember, is really scary.
I have some psychological issues that I never really understood the root of but after this, and reading about child abuse and specifically child sexual abuse victims and the symptoms that might develop later in life. I have this feeling that maybe something happened to me, and I even have a "suspect" who is not part of my life anymore but was when I was a child.
I suspect that my mother might know something but this is too scary to ask about, and honestly, too scary to investigate because what if it's true?
Did anyone experience something like this? How did you handle it? Am I just scared because I'm missing memories and want to find a reason for my psychological issues?
Writing this down was scary, up until now this was only between me and my brain.
You’re definitely not alone in this. Matches really closely with my experience. As long as I can remember I can’t recall childhood memories to the point that the child version of me feels like a different person - dissociation is strong. It’s been bothering me more and more and has had me thinking something traumatic must have happened because what else would explain it?
I’ve been in therapy for half a year now and learning a lot about myself. I’ve been doing EMDR with my therapist and it’s been enlightening. I haven’t uncovered any specific major traumatic event yet but I’m connecting with suppressed and abandoned parts of myself. For the moment I’m going with the assumption that I have CPTSD (complex PTSD) which is a chronic version of the acute PTSD. I’ve also learned I have a fearful (or disorganized) attachment style and am a carrier of toxic shame so I’d recommend looking into those concepts since they seem to correlate.
I’m proud of you for posting and questioning - you’re on the path, my friend :)
Thank you, your support (and others') really helps.
When I posted this I was worried that no one would respond, and the fact that so many people did, with really good advice, helps me a lot.
I think my next step is finding a therapist, not right now but I feel confident that I'll do it, it's just scary to decide to really investigate this.
It took a good while for me to start therapy as well haha. It is scary.. I was terrified of what I’d find out and to expose myself. But it wasn’t bad at all. The fear of it was far worse than the process. And the most difficult bits were also the most healing. Let me know if you have any questions ❤️