shitposting

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.today/post/7564575

rule

Harper's Weekly Review 27-Feb-24

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The United States cast the sole vote against a United Nations security council resolution that would have endorsed a ceasefire in Gaza; the dissension was sufficient to veto the action, and represented the third instance of the Biden Administration’s rejection of a cessation of hostilities. Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu reiterated his intent to order the ground invasion of Rafah, and said that even the return of the remaining hostages in Hamas captivity would not deter him. “We’ll do it anyway,” he said. The UN’s World Food Programme announced that it would halt all deliveries of food rations to northern Gaza; the UN said that the aid would have been “lifesaving,” as conditions there approach those of famine, but that widespread Israeli bombardment of the region forbade their safe approach. President Joe Biden requested that Israeli forces not target the members of the Gazan police force that escorts the aid trucks, and his administration restored a legal finding that Israeli settlements in the occupied Palestinian territories are inconsistent with international law; an Israeli campaign to build more than 3,000 homes on Palestinian land in the West Bank precipitated the White House revision. “We should kill ’em all,” said the Tennessee Republican congressman Andy Ogles of Palestinians in Gaza. “I will no longer be complicit in genocide,” said a member of the U.S. Air Force before self-immolating in front of the Israeli Embassy in Washington. He succumbed to his injuries.

In a letter, members of Congress urged Biden to secure reparations for black Americans. A contender in the race for governor of North Carolina suggested that black people themselves owe reparations; the candidate, who currently serves as the state’s lieutenant governor, is black. During a South Carolina stump speech by Nikki Haley, black rallygoers revealed themselves to be protesters, interrupting Haley’s address to call her promotion of union busting “disgusting”; former President Donald Trump went on to secure that state’s primary in a landslide victory. “The black people are so much on my side now,” he said, attributing his supposed appeal among that demographic to his criminal indictments and the prevalence of his mug shot. “They have been hurt so badly and discriminated against, and they actually viewed me as, I’m being discriminated against,” Trump continued. “This is connecting with black America because they love sneakers!” opined an anchor for Fox News of Trump’s recently announced line of footwear. Joe Biden and Kamala Harris hired a “Black media director,” who called Trump “an incompetent, anti-Black tyrant.” Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas hired a law clerk who is alleged to have written text messages stating “I HATE BLACK PEOPLE. Like fuck them all … I hate blacks. End of story.” The late-night talk show host John Oliver said that he would award Thomas $1 million to resign from his post.

Vice Media announced plans to shutter its publication and slash hundreds of jobs. Biden told White House aides that the secret to a successful marriage is “good sex.” “Could it be that the world of Barbie is sheer hell?” asked the director Werner Herzog. Flaco, the Eurasian eagle owl that escaped the Central Park Zoo just over a year ago, died after flying into a building on Manhattan’s West 89th Street, and a crew of scientists working on the TV show Pole to Pole: With Will Smith discovered a new species of snake while filming; they declined to name the anaconda variety after the actor. An unidentified flying object observed traversing the skies of Salt Lake City, Utah, turned out to be a balloon; a joint military command issued a fighter jet to intercept it. Two thousand nauseated passengers have been sequestered to their cruise ship off the coast of Mauritius until their mystery gastrointestinal illness passes. Monica Lewinsky partnered with the clothing retailer Reformation to raise voter turnout with a promotional line of dresses; Lewinsky modeled each dress herself and urged women to head to the polls if they “wanna complain for the next four years.” —Lake Micah

A weekly dispatch taking aim at the relentless absurdity of the 24-hour news cycle.

The Israeli military temporarily released a Palestinian prisoner bound in zip-tie handcuffs to tell the thousands sheltering in a Khan Younis hospital to evacuate before the facility would be bombed; among the refugees was the prisoner’s mother, and Israeli forces shot him fatally after he delivered the message. “We don’t expect Gazans really to be able to return to their homes until this mission is completed,” said Matt Miller, a spokesperson for the U.S. Department of State. President Joe Biden phoned Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and conditioned his support of Israel’s air strikes in Rafah on “a credible and executable plan for ensuring the safety of and support for” civilians therein; since then, a member of Netanyahu’s cabinet planned a ground invasion of the city, Netanyahu said that Israel would “finish the job” in Gaza if hostages taken by Hamas were not returned by Ramadan, and the Biden Administration declared its intention to supply Israel with still more munitions. “I will be damned if I’m going to give another nickel to the Netanyahu government in order to continue this war against the Palestinian people,” said Senator Bernie Sanders. Senator Chris Van Hollen condemned Israel’s actions in Gaza as war crimes, then voted to send the country $14 billion in aid. The Water Transport Workers Federation of India refused to load and unload weapons cargo meant for Israel, and Yemeni Houthis disrupted Israel-bound shipments. Container ship arrivals in the Gulf of Aden were down 92 percent.

The state of Wisconsin adopted legislative maps that will reduce a long-standing Republican gerrymandering edge. Nearly one-fifth of Americans believe in a conspiracy theory involving the strategic government use of Taylor Swift to increase Biden’s reelection chances. The White House announced Biden’s imminent annual physical, which will not include a cognitive test. In a poll, 62 percent of respondents said they thought Biden was not mentally sharp, while only 47 percent said so of Donald Trump. Wind farms were found not to be “driving whales crazy,” despite Trump’s assertion that they were. Campaigning in Pennsylvania, Trump attended Philadelphia’s Sneaker Con to reveal the design of his “Never Surrender” line of footwear, the MSRP of which is $399; the announcement was met with a chorus of boos even as the shoes sold out within hours; the day before, Trump received a fine of $355 million that would require the sale of an estimated 1,127,820 pairs to pay off. “Nobody’s paying their bills,” said Trump of NATO member countries that do not devote at least 2 percent of their gross domestic product to defense. “If they’re not going to pay, we’re not going to protect,” he continued. Trump’s deputy director of communications posted a video clip of the former president watching high school cheerleaders dance for him; Trump made for an audience of one, and shimmied in return.

A New York man exploited a housing loophole that allowed him to live rent-free for five years in the New Yorker Hotel; he later filed paperwork claiming ownership of the building and charged another tenant for rent. A school in Florida asked parents for permission to teach “a book written by an African American.” “I’m hit! I’m hit!” cried a Florida deputy after mistaking for gunshots the sound of falling acorns. A virgin stingray in a North Carolina aquarium is pregnant. Senator Elizabeth Warren said that the Rock would be in her “dream blunt rotation.” The NYPD dance team performed a choreographed routine on a local New York news station; they received poor reviews. “How many school music programs got defunded for this?” asked Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez upon seeing the footage. —Lake Micah

From Harper's Weekly Review, Feb 13, 2024

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Federal safety regulators warned families of “TV tip-overs” ahead of the Super Bowl, which the Kansas City Chiefs won in overtime, and U.S. Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg reminded Tesla owners not to wear Apple’s virtual reality headset while driving. A law in Australia introduced “the right to disconnect” outside of work hours, scientists discovered a hidden ocean on Saturn’s smallest moon, and a study found that Viagra may help protect men against dementia. Two JetBlue planes collided on the tarmac at Boston’s Logan Airport, and a cruise ship hosting a music festival promising “six terrifying nights of music and madness” crashed into a pier in Jamaica. An FBI contractor arrested for stealing a car from the bureau’s headquarters said he had received “coded messages” that he was in danger, and Fairfax County police will purchase 450 “Spider-Man-like” lassos for subduing suspects. “I’m on top of the world. I got a broom, like I’m sweeping my grandma’s living room,” said the rapper Killer Mike days after winning three awards at the Grammys, where he was handcuffed and escorted out for an alleged misdemeanor. The entry “Taylor Drift” won a snowplow-naming contest in Minnesota. A boy got trapped in a claw machine in Brisbane, and a woman who fell into a New Hampshire dumpster survived being compacted with the trash four times. Climbers of Mount Everest will now be required to bring their poop back to base camp; “Our mountains have begun to stink,” said a local leader.

What’s that carnival for?

You haven't seen anything like that!

Everyone wears a mask.

But what is that for?

What these people celebrate?

Not just one, but many days,

Even months, in a succession

This parade wouldn’t stop..

This is known for even complete cretin

That’s there’s a worldwide quarantine

.

Orthodoxal quarantine!

God is with you, you are not alone.

For the nation not to get sick!

We shall not forget

To kiss our idols in the church.

Let’s get together in the procession!

.

They say, that’s the hell is opening,

But would you believe them?

There’s so much talk

There’s so much fucking lies,

About this virus, about the crisis,

Let them read the Catechism!

There are a lot of things,

Even those that Putin miss.

Don’t you sit there like a fool

Pray, repent for sins you do.

.

Orthodoxal quarantine.

God is with you, you are not alone.

For the nation not to get sick!

We shall not forget

To kiss our idols in the church.

Let’s get together in the procession!

.

The way to health is not demanding

Quarantine isn’t unlike the fasting:

From the tempting, from marasmus,

On the side of pure orgasmus.

It would help from every pain

Like the sound of church’s bell

You just stay at home, until you turn grey,

Or until they would say that going out is okay.

.

How mighty it is - the self-isolation,

That mighty we have troubles with canalization.

Volga river would become cleaner

If there’s no one to shit in her.

.

Orthodoxal quarantine!

God is with you, you are not alone!

For the nation not to get sick.

We shall not forget

To kiss our idols in the church!

Let’s get together in the procession!

Rice is very small. Wouldn't it make more sense if each grain was like 8 oz? Then you'd only have to eat a couple rice