First off, didn't know if I should post this here, or over on the mental health board. Being focused on the interpersonal, though, I'll slap it here. Please lemme know if I should take it outside.
Second, and as a preface (maybe even the main hint I should've taken, but we'll see later on), I'm looking for a nuanced answer. I have been told that "I should go vegan if I'm allergic to veal" a lot of times before, but to my mind it's way too vehement a change for something which, as dictated by my gut, holds more nuance than that. I know it's not the standard way of doing things, but it's how I want to try to do them for now, at least.
Thirdly, I say everything from my perspective, I state solely my opinion, and draw conclusions exclusively based on my limited set of experiences, so please don't take anything I say as universally applicable or as supreme truth, because I don't, either.
So, ok, onward to the thick of it. It's about my pattern in attraction and in choosing potential partners. So far, I've primarily ended up in pretty toxic relationships, even when consciously and actively seeking something healthier as guided by my therapists. It's usually been the anxious <> avoidant dance with varying comorbid ancillaries such as reciprocally triggering each others' trauma responses, codependent <> BPD, etc., etc.
Now, my problem with all of this is that while I can recognise the mismatches and pain points when I see them - I've, unfortunately, become familiar with the dynamics of this situation, as well as the plethora of tiny little variations brought about by the different typologies of trauma clusters, I seem to be attracted primarily to characteristics which, so far, seem to be a package deal with the aforementioned unpleasantness. Even called out several incoming landmines to my therapists based on instinct in some previous relationships, which meant I started to manage avoiding the shitstorm which inevitably occurs at one point as this type of dynamic unfolds.
To note that I keep an eye out for red flags, as realistically and as attentively as possible, because I have physical abuse on my Bingo card and really don't want to have to go through hiding sharp things in my house so that my partner won't have easy access to any again. I really want something safe for myself, if anything at all, and am genuinely trying. But this shit pops up even months later, with no outward signs beforehand, and I have no idea how to account for things I can't see.
This, then, is my question: am I intrinsically attracted to that which harms me like a magnet, unconsciously, do I have fuck-me-up-dar? Or is there a possibility of having the cake and eating it, too, like, meet someone who is thoroughly fucked up (as am I), but who is keeping it in check? Because, yes, I am attracted to the existential grit brought about by hardships. I like someone with dirty hands, someone who has good reasons to not be optimistic or generally cheerful, someone who has seen the things beneath the flesh and is now knee-deep in the abyss. Being miserable together is beautiful and nothing can dissuade me of it. Can the two exist separately?
Because I tried going for the "safer" people and, without the slightest intent of condescension, it always ended up feeling very platonic on my end. It felt like interacting with an immense innocence and I couldn’t allow myself to unfold, as it would’ve been like exposing dandelions to high levels of radiation to my mind. I couldn’t reach romance, as my romance is inextricably and irredeemably influenced by who I am. My love, though sincere, is tarnished and more than a bit charred. And I don’t want to be a loved one’s harsh reality, that is one role which I wholeheartedly avoid playing. Which is why I seek someone likewise tarnished and more than a bit charred. I even tried “same, but different,” in which personality varied greatly from my base while still presenting some behavioural common ground, and I ended up receiving the aforementioned physical abuse…
I also welcome (and thank you for) any other insights you may have pertaining to this situation, even if not directly related to my question!
Personally, it sounds like you need to repair yourself before seeking out relationships. If you're miserable and seeking company, I don't think you're going to find that makes for a good relationship foundation. You're going to therapy which is a great idea. But I get the sense you're not taking the possibility that you're unhappy seriously enough. Based on your description, you're unhappy and "fucked up" and want someone just like that. That's not going to end well in any regard. This is coming from someone with a long history of mental health struggles who has also found themselves in similar relationships.
You're going to need to see therapy as a way to get past that fucked up self. I ended up taking SSRIs. I needed medication to heal. It took me a long time before finally admitting that, but it changed my life. I believe you need to find something to help you truly heal yourself whether it's medication, CBT, group therapy, etc. You don't have to be fucked up and pessimistic forever. Being optimistic and/or having stability doesn't mean you're naive to the world around you. It doesn't mean you have to change your worldviews entirely. It just means you're not actively destroying yourself as a result of your worldviews.
I just can't imagine two miserable people making a good relationship. Someone will always seek out a way to find pleasure or relief from that misery: cheating, drug abuse (not just drug use), abuse of each other, etc.
I'm not a therapist, but I've dealt with depression for decades. That's just my 2 cents.
Thank you for your answer and sincerity, I'm sorry you've been in these parts before...
I have to say, though, I think I'm past my depression, which my therapists agree. And, yes, I am unhappy, but I'm not closed off to the possibility of happiness, I do wholeheartedly believe it is possible, and on the other hand have grown enough to have realised that I don't even need happiness, I need drive. I am messed up because I cannot unsee the things I've seen. I am messed up because I see the human being as what it is, a creature with immense potential for causing varying types and degrees of harm to others, and we are living in a time in which most people alive seem to be taking full advantage of that potential. Every single point of sadness is an easily identifiable and thoroughly definable outside point over which I don't have much and/or immediate control. But I love life! I love living, I love doing things, creating, learning, and as a thespian at heart (groan all you want), there's artistic catharsis to be had in defiantly persisting while wading through this crap, and so I have all the force I need to see myself through.
What I meant through "being miserable together" wasn't "being depressed together," I meant being broken together, basking in the true ugliness of things together, facing our individual sadness together. I will never be a happy-go-lucky person and am more than fine with that, because I understand why I'm not and wouldn't have it any other way. I'd rather drown in the ugly truth than live a life of ignorant leisure, I'd rather be broken by knowing the world for what it is and staring it in the eyes incessantly.
To add, I'm not even looking for happiness in my relationships. I don't need my partner to make me happy or complete me, because I can make myself happy (or content, rather), and I am more complete in myself than I've ever been. I'm deeply satisfied with who I've managed to become in spite of things. I need a real human being with a bit more dirt under their fingernails than usual, someone unhindered by the pretence of surface acceptability and likewise unwavering in their relationship with the truth.
This is why I obsessed over nuance in my original post and why I apologise for failing to adequately provide it, I think most people misunderstand where I'm at and mistake it for a pathological thing, when it's actually just me being true to myself, which implies being open enough to the world around me, that I cannot but be affected by it when it clashes with my empathy and values. And there's a fuckload of clashing nowadays, which is why I'm in turmoil. Beyond that, there's nothing other than my profound passion for the grim and macabre, for the theatricality of ugliness. I don't want to sound pretentious, I'm just aware of the fact that this detail alone makes me an outsider. (Edit:) to be clear, this does not mean I seek drama or suffering in relationships, aesthetics and getting punched in the face during an argument because you've caught her in a lie are two very different things. The grotesque I like doesn't hurt anyone more than potentially offending their sensibilities.
I do want to confirm that I am and will continue to seek healthy growth, and am genuinely grateful that I've managed to actually understand what that growth means in my case.