A few years back I went through what could be referred to as a severe mental health crisis. During that time, I'm not sure what exactly it was - but for whatever reason I didn't want to be able to hear anymore. I think it might have been this warped logic that is I couldn't communicate with people, I could distance myself from everyone and shut myself off more or less. So I started going to an indoor firing range in my area, then I would take off the hearing protection while shooting. I know it's incredibly dumb, but I just wasn't thinking straight at all.
Eventually, this just wasn't enough so I turned to trying to blow out my eardrums. I bought an air compressor and got an attachment that could fit in my ear. I tried doing it a few times, but it just wasn't working how I imagined. So the last thing I did was buy one of those digital otoscopes. I mounted a needle on it and then used that to physically poke holes in my eardrums. Again, I'm aware at how crazy this all was. But to take it further I faked having an ear infection for a virtual urgent care appointment, then made up this story about this being common growing and Neomycin something that worked for me.
So they gave me a prescription for that, and for those who don't know - Neomycin can cause permanent hearing loss if it comes into contact with your inner ear, which the eardrums protect. So using this little poker, made holes in my eardrums and then poured in the Neomycin, then used my hands to create pressure that would push it through the perforations. I will never forget the pain of those drops coming into contact with my inner ear. I've been through a lot, but that was a 10/10 and I nearly threw up each time. Looking back is easy to see how unhinged it was, but at the time it all made sense
Survived a suicide attempt from a fentanyl and ketamine overdose. Life had gone to shit and for whatever reason that day (I can't even remember exactly), enough was enough. I had bought the stuff in advance for this moment although I was using dissociatives pretty regularly. I was on a video chat with a friend (someone who was also suicidal and we've talked previously about how we wouldn't interfere with each other's attempts if it came to that. we were really bad for each other, but it was just nice to see another light in the darkness and knowing you weren't alone. we ultimately made each other much worse off). But anyways, she feel asleep, it was during that moment when I guess I went for it. Took all the fentanyl and ketamine I had, and was pretty much blacked out before realizing it.
Guess I walked back to the couch where she was still sleeping on the video call and I lost conscious there. Next thing I know I feel my body violently being shaken and then suddenly I'm in the ER. I couldn't talk at all and couldn't move anything from the neck down. that lasted several days and I slowly got motor control back. Took my legs the longest and had to do a bunch of testing.
Once they found out it was a suicide attempt I was sectioned and unable to do anything if my own accord for like the next month. I was sent to some facility specifically for people who have made suicide attempts and also had drug abuse issues. Was there for a few weeks before I was able to transfer into an outpatient program for the same thing.
I guess what had happened initially was that when I passed out I was in view of the camera, so when my friend woke up she was trying to talk l with me, realized something was wrong and then what had happened, and then she was able to get an ambulance. They got there and revived me and then that's just a little before I woke up in the hospital. It at all just so confusing, and I think I'll always be bitter towards that friend that called the ambulance.
Things were bad leading up to that point, but they'd get generally so much worse afterwards. None of those feelings went away and I've just learned to mask it for now because I'm just exhausted with everyone I know feeling like they need to be so involved with my life. My friend who saved me from attempt ended up taking her own life the next year. In a way I'm pretty envious I think