Autism

Lately, I have been thinking hard about a lot of things. It all started during the break in my college a month back where I barely interacted with people during that time. Like I have been thinking deeper and harder about myself than ever before and it's like I am after making a series of emotional breakthroughs.

I think about my teenage years. During my teenage years I went to school and then the whole I would just make jokes. It was like, I only felt the need to make superficial relationships. Everything was superficial even my relationship with my family. I only felt bad about being socially isolated when I was 16 and I developed a crush. She rejected me and I was devastated. I wanted to be normal so much that I started rebelling like smoking, shoplifting alcohol, drugs. I still wanted to be normal but I didn't realise who I even was.

I was so confused and I didn't understand myself. Looking back now it was almost like I was a non person. There was no depth to me whereas in comparison now I understand the rich and vibrant personality that I have. I wanted to normal so much all I could think about was wanting to have friends, have a girlfriend or be more normal meanwhile I was wafting through my school. I didn't study and I never applied to college because I didn't care enough to apply. Over the next 5 years I got friends and a job. And it's like only lately I've started to understand what kind of person I am. I am still trying to make sense of it all tbh.

I dunno why I posted this. It's just that the thoughts are replaying in my head in and I just want to vent.