A chilly, distant demeanor. Is it an asshole that hates you, or is it an introvert that just wants to go home?
this post was submitted on 27 Jul 2023
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Honestly I'm an extrovert that gets lost in thought sometimes. I have the meanest looking resting removed face when I am. But I'm as gentle as a butterfly and always up for a good conversation if anyone approaches.
Yes
Why not both
Oh, like Mr. Darcy!
Closely related is someone who's just a bit to the point with their responses. I don't mean the "I'm just saying" people; those people are assholes. I mean stuff like when someone skips the pleasantries and dives right into their question or comment. Instead of saying "hi", they'll dive right into saying "I have an issue with X". Or when they see something wrong when reviewing your work, they'll just outright say "this isn't right" without trying to sugarcoat it.
Personally, I like when people do that, particularly from people I know have good intentions. I don't want to waste time doing some "hi, how are you / I'm good, yourself?" sort of handshake when someone has a question for me. And reviews are a constant, daily thing in my job (software dev), so I don't want time wasting flowery language in review comments, nor do I want to waste time typing such up myself.
"I'm just asking questions." Could be a child, could be a moon-landing conspiracy person.
Could be someone who's genuinely trying to understand someone's viewpoint, but it reveals inconsistencies in the other person's logic, so they get irritated.
I'm autistic. This is the story of my life.
Ever since getting into arguments with strangers online stopped being fun for me, I try to be extremely polite to people when Iβm asking a probably confrontational question.
On the internet, a good amount of time people asking questions in comments sections are often just trying to show others how much they know about something in the most passive aggressively way possible, so it better to always be extra clear that youβre trying to engage on a healthy discussion.
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Eh, if it's coming from an adult who should know better, I wouldn't say it's being misinterpreted as a sign of being an asshole.
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Not being a conversational person.
I don't do small talk very well and I very quickly run put of things to say to someone I don't know so I don't like to just talk rubbish with someone, I prefer to remain quiet and get on with what I am doing.
I don't mean that the person isn't worth talking to or I don't like them, if they need something from me or have a question then I'll galdly answer or help them, but almost everyone takes it as a slight against them when i dont want to engage in idle chit chat and assume I'm an arsehole when I'm really not trying to be.
listen, as someone who needs to be social but isnt, it is ok to let there be awkward silences. it is ok.
it isn't your job to be entertaining. conversation is a 2 way road.
contribute, motherfucker
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As an autistic person I love interacting with people like you.
You'd like Northern Europe.
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Setting up boundaries.
Massive one. People automatically assume those who have defined areas that others are not allowed to access (ie personal/physical contact, topics of communication, literal areas they restrict in their home, etc) are prudish and being willfully obstinate for unfounded reasons, without considering why these boundaries are set in the first place.
The second you inconvenience someone, they assume you're the problem.
Parking in a handicapped parking spot and having no visible disability.
It's bizarre to me how many people assume that disabilities must be visible. And not just visible, but that it has to be glaringly visible.
You'd think that it'd be well known that visibilities might not be obvious, but nope.
I have an invisible, part-time disability. I used to have a wheelchair and a handicapped hang tag, but I got rid of the tag because it wasn't worth getting hassled everywhere I parked. Thankfully, the medication is helping and I haven't needed the wheelchair in a very long time, but that doesn't mean I won't need it tomorrow.
It's like people want any excuse to be a righteous jackass.
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Being bluntly honest. People who are neurodivergent can struggle with being "politely dishonest" and can tell you what they think in a very blunt manner without meaning to offend.
Not engaging in small talk. Again, people who are neurodivergent tend to prefer talking about things that fascinate them and can have a hard time understanding the point of talking about just whatever.
Struggling with being on time, struggling to focus on someone or something, struggling with eye contact. In general, neurodivergent traits tend to be seen as "asshole behavior" because they are abnormal and don't conform to society. People who aren't normal tend to be viewed as assholes because how dare they inconvenience me by being different.
Source: personal experience as well as listening to the experiences of others. I've been hit with all these things at least once and accused of being an asshole, aloof, and/or self-centered.
I think it's important to bear in mind that some of those things are what neurotypical folks, I guess you could call them, use to convey interest or disinterest. Eye contact is a way to express interest, and helps to show one is intently listening to the speaker. Conversely, frequently glancing away is kind of the body language equivalent of giving short "uh huh" type answers when one is trying to disengage from a conversation.
My point isn't that you should feel bad about struggling with these nuances; I just think it's worth mentioning that some of those negative reactions you may have experienced just has to do with expectations in body language. It's not that someone who's neurodivergent is being an asshole, it's just that they're sending out signals we're otherwise used to interpreting as disinterest, and that is (often) off-putting.
Again, it's not something to feel bad about, it's just communicating on different wavelengths so-to-speak. Sort of like a language/culture difference.
I would agree with you except that I've seen people try to clarify that they're autistic, or ADHD, or bipolar, etc, and explain that it causes them to act in that manner and sometimes, no matter how hard they try, they can't surpress it or "act normal"; only to be told overwhelmingly by the people in the room/thread that they're an asshole and selfish for not trying hard enough.
I do understand that some of those things are used as visual indicators for people to determine how the other is feeling about the current conversation, and maybe it's way more important to people than I realize; but there are way too many people who will tell you that if you can't alter your behavior to be normal, then you're an asshole.
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Well for one, I wish I could tell people no when they ask me to social events without being interpreted as an asshole
Someone who's assertive (not to be mistaken for someone who thinks they're assertive and really is just an asshole).
Someone offering constructive criticism.
Especially those two put together.
The fact that they have a record.
Look for a pattern, not a single instance. And yet companies and people hold bad decisions of the past against most folks.
Same goes for having no record, aka the famous gap in a resume. It's not really about being perceived as a dick, but the same applies nonetheless.
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Refusing to engage.
Asking a dog owner to use their leash rather than letting their dog walk up to you or your kids.
Saying no and not backing down from it
aka Boundaries.
Too many people can't deal with that, but that's their problem.
Not agreeing to false logic (say, out of pressure to be polite or non-confrontational), especially when the next step would be doing something based on that logic. People sincerely don't understand why deceiving you once like this won't work another time and think it makes you an asshole.
I am often thought of as an asshole because I am not much of a smiler and much of my politeness is perfunctory. I am somewhat reclusive and a loner by nature. I find my time at work having to mask exhausting and overstimulating. That much said, once people get to know me they generally discover that I am passionate and care deeply for people who are suffering or experience discrimination and will fight for them.
My resting bitch face
Honestly? Questions like this one
I turn the question around... people who are clearly liars, deceivers... politicians and businessmen that people line up to vote for with their money or public votes. You really wonder what people think an "asshole" is when you see the kind of politicians that get massive support in a population - to a point people have their photograph on the wall of their workplace or home, put stickers on their cars, etc. to support people that are clearly monstrous. A lot of people do not seem to like to study the crowds of Europe 1930's terrible leaders and just how many lined up to cheer on such persons.
The scientists a person believes also is a huge indicator of who they consider to be an 'asshole'. Just passively listening to people who support denial of climate change, denial of microscopic germs and virus, etc. The enthusiasm that followers to non-factual science seem to be very high, and they draw crowds in ways that fact-based science does not seem to do.
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