Only tiny couches. Full sized couches took millions of years to evolve to that size.

Bedbugs can't survive heat. 1 hour over 100F or a few seconds at 200F kills them. Depending on what you have available, either throw your clothing in a dryer on high for an hour or use a steamer that goes over 200F to rid them. Alternatively placing them in a black garbage bag in a parked car for a day if it's hot out will also do it. Depending on what is infested, some plastic totes to stage things that haven't been treated yet can greatly limit their ability to re-infest while you're treating stuff, and re-treat within a week if you're not certain (their life cycle is about a week, so treating the same item twice in a week kill get any that survived before they can multiply again)

Don't forget to put all your clothes, bags, and other belongings in the freezer for a week when you come home.

I sheltered two people during the storm surge last year and I think they brought in bed bugs, though I didn't wait long enough to properly confirm other than the itching and bite marks. In other words, the floor still has "bubble marks" from when the varnish started cooking during my week-long extermination craze.

Edit: Image from the glorious happening. Heater was usually placed on a box to keep it elevated. I tried to keep the room above 70°C.

Take an aspirin, they hate the taste.
50 mg a day keeps the bedbugs at bay.
I do it every time I'm staying overnight at hotels, in particular.
Obviously, medical supervision is advised if you intend to do this for a long time, let's say, more than 2 weeks.

Later.

Couch Bugs, obviously.

I read somewhere that bed bugs actually evolved alongside humans, so they're about as old as bedding and that's it

Owchy Oogga Buggas.

Counterpoint: The punchline is so blindingly obvious that explaining the joke would ruin it

Never seen it before, and I got it as bed bugs straight away. It's in the punchline.